BRAD ALDOUS: Movie Reviews

"Cars"

When I saw the previews for this new Pixar offering, my first thought was, "Vroom, Vroom.. this is gonna SUCK!" But I will admit I was dead wrong. I even enjoyed Larry the Cable Guy, and that's saying something, as his antics usually make me want to start sterilizing anyone who has ever paid to see him "perform". It's a good story, and as always with Pixar - the genius is in the details: like the teen cars spitting over the edge of the stadium.... And if you put Paul Newman's Doc Hudson and Buzz Lightyear in a fight, I'll take the salad dressing king anyday!

"An Inconvenient Truth"

I have it from a reliable source that this is a must see movie! Al Gore apparently...zzzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzzzzz zzzzz zzzzz

"The Break-Up"

Jennifer Aniston has a great butt. But because of my first name, she'll likely never date me..... This "romantic comedy" has some of the most realistic arguments that i have ever seen on film, and watching Mr. Vaughn and Mr. Favreau banter back and forth is always fun. Big Ups to my friend Chuck Stubbings as "plaid shorts" at the Cubs game.. and kudos to the filmmakers for an ending that is hopeful instead of hokey. So say I.

"Just My Luck"

Dear Lindsay:
I couldn't find anything else to see in my 2 hour alotted, "movie time" and I must say, that your newest film surprised me with its clever writing and well timed comedy. The appearance of my dear friend Matt as the "Silver Robot Dancer" ticked me even more, and with the catchy tunes by McFly, the fact that it was filmed in NYC, and the decent direction, I almost didn't notice that you weigh 20 pounds less than you did in Mean Girls. Please eat a sandwich or a salad or even the residents of a small country (Namibia maybe?). You are funny and nicely making the transition to adult films, now buck up and eat like one. So say I.

"X-Men: The Last Stand"

It was the last stand right up until it was the fifth biggest weekend opening ever, and now it is likely the 1st of 3 or 4 "last stands", even though the script, dialogue and storyline were, as would say in jolly old England, "dead crap." True comic book geeks undoubtedly embraced this film, but the creative team ultimately tried to do way too much in under 2 hours, and so it all came off incredibly poorly.
When you have Halle Berry, Rebecca Romjin Stamos, Anna Paquin, Famke Jannsen and Ellen Page in one movie and I just don't care....there's something wrong in the kitchen, capice?? We can only hope that Bryan Singer will come back and bring a little life back into the inevitable sequel. As it stands - the X-Men are X-tremely X-boring and X-actly what is wrong with Hollywood - too much money, no style, and no substance...so say I.

"Basic Instinct 2"

Ewww. My instinct is, why not just rent the first one when Sharon was still kind of sexy and before all of the plastic surgery?? Also, sequels suck. So say I.

"Must Love Dogs"

Must throw up. Why John Cusack and Diane Lane agreed to make this flaming piece of feces, no one will ever know, but suffice to say this. Formula, 1. Originality, 0. My jaw hurt after watching this from gaping the entire time at how unfunny it was. Romantic COMEDY. That generally insinuates that there will be something FUNNY to watch. Except for Baron Von Trapp himself, slumming as Lane's Dad and reciting Keats. Pathetic: thy name is Hollywood.

"Failure to Launch"

Matthew McConnaughey is pretty. We get it. In real life he's sleeping with Penelope Cruz. But when it is advertised as a romantic "comedy" there should be a little more of that special sauce we call "the funny". Points to my pal Rob Corddry for a nicely understated cameo as the gun salesman, and to Zooey Deschanel as the second banana. If those two had been the leads - it might have actually made people laugh, and we could have avoided seeing Terry Bradshaw's naked old ass. Movie executive...why???

"V for Vendetta"

Ok. I'm coming clean up front. I haven't actually seen this film yet. BUT! I can honestly say that Natalie Portman and I would probably produce the smartest, best looking children ever. Our hair is about the same length right now, which is a little creepy, but once hers grows out, and I win the lotto or invent the next pet rock - I am totally sending her brownies. Also the guys who made The Matrix did this film, and come one, that was a pretty awesome trilogy, with awesome long leather jackets and awesome names. Morpheus, Neo - who talks like that? So I say, run, don't walk to the theater, and if you see Natalie, would it kill you to put in a good word???

"She's the Man"

I know, I know. But I have this addiction to cheesy romantic comedies aimed at the tween demographic - plus, it was based on Twelth Night - so that makes it a little less pathetic...right? No matter- Amanda Bynes is a star. She is funny, gorgeous, and has a huge career in front of her if she plays her cards right. Oh wait - she's been acting since she was a fetus, I forgot - she can probably retire next year to her own private island off of Borneo, and just walk around, eating coconuts and yelling at the natives. And if she films that, i will probably fork over 10 bucks to see it. Cause that is how i roll.....

"Date Movie"

SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKFEST. This film made me angry!!!! This was arguably the worst movie I have ever seen. The "2 of the 6 writers from Scary Movie" who wrote this should have their Writers Guild Cards burned and then someone should beat them with something blunt. I can honestly say that I laughed twice in the entire film, and that mostly, I felt the place where I was supposed to laugh and felt pained that I couldn't. The director, producers, and most of the actors are equally at fault, and finally there is no getting back the 90 minutes that was stolen from my otherwise awesome life. If you know anyone involved with "Date Movie", please kick them in the crotch and tell them it's from me. I usually prefer to save my angry diatribes for modern dance where there is talking or bad art shows, but this is one day I am ashamed to be part of the entertainment industry. My apologies and instead of seeing this film, spend an hour slapping yourself. It'll be a much more pleasant experience.

"King Kong"

Adrien Brody tiene un nariz muy muy grande. In english, for my non- spanish friends, Adrien Brody's got a HUUUUGE noggin. And amidst the CGI Dinosaurs, 1920's cars, and piles of skulls, I just kept thinkin - I wonder if his sneezes effect the trade winds?? Peter Jackson's latest effort, (after the incredible if longwinded LOTR cycle) is a testament to the fact that the bearded man from New Zealand could literally have a bowel movement on a piece of celluloid and people will flock to the multiplexes to see it. I would totally take Naomi Watts on a gondola ride through Venice, but I preferred her in Mulholland Drive when she was half naked and makin out with chicks. In this film, she spends half the film looking teary eyed at a giant monkey. Emoting thy name is Naomi. Jack Black deserves an Oscar nod for saying the last line of the movie with a straight face. "It wasn't the airplane. It was Beauty killed the Beast." Then he turns into a candelabra and sings a song with a tea cup. WHAAAA? Oh yeah, and the film is 2 days long. So my advice is, rent one of the LOTR movies instead, and if you really want the King Kong experience, go to your nearest Zoo and check out the chimps, and then thrown away 10 bucks and punch yourself in the face. So say I.

"Brokeback Mountain"

YAWN. Ok, from the very first shot of the mountains and the whiny guitar twang, i knew I was in for a good nap. Let's get this out of the way, in terms of the subject matter, I have absolutely no problem, although had it been say Kirsten Dunst and Julia Stiles, I likely would have enjoyed it much more. The performances were fine, but I don't get the hubub? They were out in the middle of nowhere, they had two choices, and they didn't choose the sheep. All right, whatever - but it is not the "greatest american love story of our generation." Unless "Showgirls" is the greatest american drama of our generation. Or "Dude, Where's my Car" is the greatest american comedy of our generation, and sorry Ashton. It's NOT. And even though you are sleeping with Demi - your last name still sounds weird. So say I.

"THE PRODUCERS"

I walked into this ready to hate it, even though I loved the musical and several of my dear friends had small parts in it. Boy was I pleasantly surprised. Maybe I was just in the right mood, but I laughed harder watching this film than I have in a long time. They managed to take the best parts of the original movie and the musical and combine them into what is 2 1/2 hours of fairly solid laughs. The one weak link in the cast is the lovely Uma Thurman, who, while she has a body made for sinning, comes off amateurish, as she is surrounded by one genius performance after another. Broderick, Lane, Ferrell, all outdo themselves and there is no shortage of dancing girl eye candy either! Vava-voom. That said, it is a musical, so if you are not a fan of people breaking into song at the drop of a hat and for no discernable reason - get the new Jean Claude Van Damme from Netflix and enjoy!

"JUST FRIENDS"

I love me a good stupid comedy! And after years of hating Ryan Reynolds on "Two Pricks, a Whore, and a Pizza Place", I'll admit he has started to win me over. The movie is predictable, but the gags are many, and there are quite a few good laughs. Amy Smart (who ranks in the top 50 women with whom I'd like to share spaghetti) is as dreamy as ever, and I would pay $10 just to watch her do dishes. Anna Faris plays another parody of a pop star (as she did in Lost in Translation) but is given more of a chance to go wild, and she steals the movie. Chris Klein is Chris Klein, and any jackass stupid enough to break up with Katie Holmes isn't worth reviewing. If you like dumb romantic comedies, as I do, you'll enjoy this. If your favorite movies are typically Woody Allen or lesser known foriegn films: stay home and cook risotto....

"CAPOTE"

Holy Crap. I call this kind of movie a "statue" movie. As in, "I want to win me one of those Statues this year." And Phillip Seymour Hoffman may very well win the Oscar nod for his portrayal of Truman Capote. He has the funny voice down, but I can sum up the movie by saying that my friend (who is a stunning actress and a film lover) actually fell into REM sleep next to me. Long shots of Kansas wheat fields, witty party banter, prison scenes, a virtual.... ZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Sorry, fell asleep remembering it. The length is 1 hour and 54 minutes, although I am pretty sure that is a misprint and it was actually 7 hours and 54 minutes. Author David Rakoff has a brief cameo which is fun, and Catherine Keener and I should totally make out. If you are an insufferable bore or need a nap, head on out and see Capote. Otherwise stay home and watch Hoffman in "Happiness" or read Rakoff's new book, "Don't Get Too Comfortable."

"A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE"

This film has about the longest, strangest opening sequence I've seen since "Mulholland Drive" and my lovely date for the evening summed up the movie better than I can. As we left the theater, she said, "I want to beat people up and have sex." And though we refrained, she's right. The movie is uber-violent, very sexy, and will make you look at stairs in a whole new way. The sub plot with the son and the "mullet bullies" felt like it was ripped from a bad 80's after school special, and William Hurt has a nice cameo, but overall I would reccomed to wait for the DVD and then fast fwd to the violence and the sex. Of course that's what I reccomed for almost every movie, but you get my gist...

"ELIZABETHTOWN"

Cameron Crowe makes good movies. Say Anything, Singles, Almost Famous, and Jerry Maguire are all movies I would see again. And some I have watched many many times. Elizabethtown does not, unfortunately, make this list. Not by a long shot....

As with all of his movies, the music is great, but this time he could have just made us a mix tape: an itunes playlist of the songs and saved the money. Orlando Bloom is flat out boring, Kirsten Dunst (who I would love to cook Lasagna for) is over the top and badly directed, and Susan Sarandon, who can make a Lifetime movie seem compelling, even has a hard time keeping the ball afloat. Alec Baldwin is fun in a quick cameo, but when you make a road movie about a funeral and there are no weddings and no Hugh Grant - you got bubkis.

While Mr. Crowe struck out big with this one, everyone is allowed the occasional dud, especially when they gave us LLoyd Dobler. "She gave me a pen." Indeed. We only hoped Mr. Crowe would use it to re-write this clunker before it hit the screen....