BRAD ALDOUS: Movie Reviews

"Because I Said So"

Wow. I think this was possibly the most critically reviled film of the year so far, and so for me to unleash the hounds and write a scathingly hilarious review seems downright mean. So instead, I’ll disguise it as letters to the cast and crew. Because I feel like it.

Dear Screenwriters: Just because you know the word “montage” doesn’t mean you should have it on every other page of your script. Here’s another word you should look up and avoid. Cliché. Yipes.

Dear Director: Loved Heathers! Uh…at least it’s not as bad as Hudson Hawk?? Also, congratulations on shooting the first scene with 4 women in their underwear that's ever bored me. Please slap yourself.

Dear Miss Keaton: You are still beautiful, but the gags felt forced. I hope you enjoy the new house that you buy with the money you make.

Dear Tom Everett Scott: Hire someone to do your make up. Lord, kiddo – you looked like a walking corpse up there. And did the character description say, “He is part robot?” No? Then don’t play it like that.

Dear New guy who’s name I can’t remember with the hat: You were actually one of the best things in the movie. Josh Lucas – look out. Romantic comedy has a new name and it is: uh… new guy who’s name I can’t remember with the hat.

Dear Tony Hale: I loved you on Arrested Development. I hope you enjoy the new car you buy with the money you make.

Dear Mandy: I watched “Saved” a while back, and I saw you on “Entourage”, and I think that you have a range that is far and above most of your peers. I think you also have a wonderful Lucille Ball like quality, and I for one, am ready to see you in a project worthy of your talents. Next time your “people” point you towards a project like this, call me, and we’ll drink a nice Pinot Noir and eat homemade butternut squash risotto while discussing the finer points of finding new management. And then you’ll probably want to make out, and I will undoubtedly acquiesce. What can I say – I’m a giver…

So say I.

"Dreamgirls"

Ummmm. Dreamcrap? This weak excuse for a movie musical doesn't hold a candle to Chicago, and I would frankly rather be beaten with a blunt object while watching "High School: The Musical" than ever sit through this again. Eddie Murphy does his same old schtick, but he does look sad once. For 3 seconds. Wow - such acting....
Jamie Foxx phones it in, and Jennifer Hudson, while she can certainly sing, was one note and boring. Then there was Beyonce. She's hot. She looks amazing and while all this crap was flying around her, I'd still like to play spin the bottle with her. And she comes off way better than anyone else. Oh yeah, Danny Glover is old. In a word, saveyourself3hours.

"Pan's Labyrinth"

A muddy little girl, creatures with eyes in their hands and a spanish civil war make this a movie that doesn't know what it is. Is it Alice in Wonderland? Is it Beastmaster 5? is it Life is a Dream? Since Guillermo del Sucko couldn't seem to decide, I will. This is one of the most overrated pieces of $%#* to hit screens in years. Honestly there are moments of beauty, and some intriguing twists, but mostly I just didn't give a crap, as they lost me when the story went haywire. Muy bonita, muy estupida. Very pretty, very stupid. Pretty stupid.

"Pursuit of Happyness"

Will Smith has a mustache. And a bitchy wife. And he is really good at the Rubiks cube. Add a touch of grey to his hair, his son playing....drumroll... his son, and you have all the ingredients for a long, really boring Hallmark movie. Which is what this should have been. Roger Ebert gave this a glowing review, just proving to me once more that the fat bastard is on the payroll of every studio in town. Bad bad movie. But as he cries on the floor of a subway bathroom holding his sleeping son, he'll probably get an oscar nod. Happyness is a warm puppy. And I hope that puppy bites Roger Ebert squarely in the crotch.

"Rocky Balboa"

Awesome. Stallone should be proud, and as surprised as I was, I really enjoyed it. Nice to spend a couple of hours with the champ.

"Blood Diamond"

As much as I want to hate Leonardo DiCpaprio, I have to admit he was flat out awesome in this picture. Dijon Honsou is also great, and fans of him yelling (he does that in pretty much every movie) will not be dissapointed. Jennifer Connelly got a nice paycheck, and the subject matter is a wake up call. Definitely worth checking out.

"Borat"

Ridiculously f**king hysterical. Innapropriate, lude, crude, and offensive in all of the best ways. I thought that my friend I saw it with (who is 8 months pregnant) was going to give birth right there...
Cohen is a genius!

"School for Scoundrels"

Billy Bob Thorton can do just about anything. And what we can take from this abortion of a movie is that he WILL do just about anything. Scot Armstrong is a funny writer, and a fellow improv alum, so I am fairly certain that the script for this was WAY WAY funnier than the final product. Jon Heder AKA Napoleon Dynamite, should be immediately deported back to Utah, as this makes it abundantly clear, he is as much a lead actor as I am Somalian freedom fighter. Stick to the strange characters - because your acting makes the cast of "Degrassi Junior High" blush. Honestly - I wanted to like this. And I laughed maybe 4 times. And we all know what a sucked for stupid laughs I am. Confuscious say, "Don't even CONSIDER renting it. S to the U to the C to the K to the S. Play scrabble instead, get a triple words score on "french fried potatoes" and dream of a time when Billy Bob would have seen the final cut and punched Todd Phillips in the face. So say I.

"Flags of Our Fathers"

Go ahead Clint. Make me bored....
Man!! No story, schmaltzy sing song music, and 15 minutes of "Saving Private Ryan" stapled into the middle?? Aside from an amazing performance by Adam Beach, I felt like this would have been a great 30 minute documentary. I like flags. And I like fathers. But apparently when you put the two together you get: SUCK! I bet the book is incredible, and all studio execs reading please take note, just because it's a great book does NOT MEAN IT WILL MAKE A GREAT MOVIE!!!! Dirty Harry?
Mystic River. Strike 1. Million Dollar Baby. Strike 2. This one?? Foul ball - but your next pitch better be straight down the pipe or we're breaking up. So say I.

"The Departed"

Wicked violent. Heavy on the symbolism, and with an ending that feels like they ran out of ideas and money, it's still fun as hell to watch and has some great performances. I walked out and wanted to shoot things and punch people in the face. And that's why I love america.

"Snakes on A Plane"

Genius. Unmittified chortle inducing genius. Nothing can take away from the ridiculous premise and the wonderful awfulness that is the plot, dialogue, and style. They shot it in the manner of Magnum PI and the A Team, and with lines like, "Get this snake of my dick!!!!" The 12 year old in me was as happy as an Irishman locked in a Guiness factory. It's cheesy, stupid, and worth every penny of the 11 bucks they charge these days at the cinema. Go. Laugh. Scream. and witness the awesomeness that is Samuel L. Jackson.

"Little Man"

Shitty, thy name is Wayans. I went to see this based on the fact that the last movie by these guys, "White Chicks," was actually pretty fun, but Hollywood and the broad comedy have hit a new low. At a budget of 60 million dollars, I think that every moviegoer who has to sit through this pathetic attempt at a comedy should receive twice their ticket price refunded, and then get to punch a Wayans in the crotch. The lovely and talented Kerry Washington does her best to rise above the crappy script and worse direction, but ultimately this is a movie that tried to pas off unintentional bad acting and hokey sentimentality as a "broad" comedy. And when I, king of the crappy movies, truly hate something.... you know it reallllllly sucks. If you see a Wayans (except Damon who had the sense to avoid this stinkball) - please smile sweetly; and then throw the nearest heavy object at their crotch. So Say I....

"The Devil Wears Prada"

Anne Hathaway is gorgeous and lowly. Meryl Streep is the queen bitch. Add loads of fancy clothes and bitchy comments from models doing cameos and Stanley Tucci doing "gay". I just saved you 10 dollars....

"Strangers with Candy"

If you liked it on Comedy Central, you'll like this longer, cameo filled Jeri Blank fest. Stephen Colbert and 300 celebrity cameos are fun, but Amy Sedaris is the shining star. She is perhaps the funniest woman in show biz, and I for one, would like to date her. Someone please hook that up..

"Little Miss Sunshine"

Awesomeness Personified. Dark, Dysfunctional and Hilarious. Go!!

"Miami Vice"

Seriously. Why remake perfection?? Also, Colin Farell and Jamie Foxx aren't qualified to hold Don Johnson and Phillip Michael Thomas's jockstraps. And, Colin? The mustache? It just increases the magnitude of your "punch me" face.
So say I....

"Cars"

When I saw the previews for this new Pixar offering, my first thought was, "Vroom, Vroom.. this is gonna SUCK!" But I will admit I was dead wrong. I even enjoyed Larry the Cable Guy, and that's saying something, as his antics usually make me want to start sterilizing anyone who has ever paid to see him "perform". It's a good story, and as always with Pixar - the genius is in the details: like the teen cars spitting over the edge of the stadium.... And if you put Paul Newman's Doc Hudson and Buzz Lightyear in a fight, I'll take the salad dressing king anyday!

"An Inconvenient Truth"

I have it from a reliable source that this is a must see movie! Al Gore apparently...zzzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzzzzz zzzzz zzzzz

"The Break-Up"

Jennifer Aniston has a great butt. But because of my first name, she'll likely never date me..... This "romantic comedy" has some of the most realistic arguments that i have ever seen on film, and watching Mr. Vaughn and Mr. Favreau banter back and forth is always fun. Big Ups to my friend Chuck Stubbings as "plaid shorts" at the Cubs game.. and kudos to the filmmakers for an ending that is hopeful instead of hokey. So say I.

"Just My Luck"

Dear Lindsay:
I couldn't find anything else to see in my 2 hour alotted, "movie time" and I must say, that your newest film surprised me with its clever writing and well timed comedy. The appearance of my dear friend Matt as the "Silver Robot Dancer" ticked me even more, and with the catchy tunes by McFly, the fact that it was filmed in NYC, and the decent direction, I almost didn't notice that you weigh 20 pounds less than you did in Mean Girls. Please eat a sandwich or a salad or even the residents of a small country (Namibia maybe?). You are funny and nicely making the transition to adult films, now buck up and eat like one. So say I.

"X-Men: The Last Stand"

It was the last stand right up until it was the fifth biggest weekend opening ever, and now it is likely the 1st of 3 or 4 "last stands", even though the script, dialogue and storyline were, as would say in jolly old England, "dead crap." True comic book geeks undoubtedly embraced this film, but the creative team ultimately tried to do way too much in under 2 hours, and so it all came off incredibly poorly.
When you have Halle Berry, Rebecca Romjin Stamos, Anna Paquin, Famke Jannsen and Ellen Page in one movie and I just don't care....there's something wrong in the kitchen, capice?? We can only hope that Bryan Singer will come back and bring a little life back into the inevitable sequel. As it stands - the X-Men are X-tremely X-boring and X-actly what is wrong with Hollywood - too much money, no style, and no substance...so say I.

"Basic Instinct 2"

Ewww. My instinct is, why not just rent the first one when Sharon was still kind of sexy and before all of the plastic surgery?? Also, sequels suck. So say I.

"Must Love Dogs"

Must throw up. Why John Cusack and Diane Lane agreed to make this flaming piece of feces, no one will ever know, but suffice to say this. Formula, 1. Originality, 0. My jaw hurt after watching this from gaping the entire time at how unfunny it was. Romantic COMEDY. That generally insinuates that there will be something FUNNY to watch. Except for Baron Von Trapp himself, slumming as Lane's Dad and reciting Keats. Pathetic: thy name is Hollywood.

"Failure to Launch"

Matthew McConnaughey is pretty. We get it. In real life he's sleeping with Penelope Cruz. But when it is advertised as a romantic "comedy" there should be a little more of that special sauce we call "the funny". Points to my pal Rob Corddry for a nicely understated cameo as the gun salesman, and to Zooey Deschanel as the second banana. If those two had been the leads - it might have actually made people laugh, and we could have avoided seeing Terry Bradshaw's naked old ass. Movie executive...why???

"V for Vendetta"

Ok. I'm coming clean up front. I haven't actually seen this film yet. BUT! I can honestly say that Natalie Portman and I would probably produce the smartest, best looking children ever. Our hair is about the same length right now, which is a little creepy, but once hers grows out, and I win the lotto or invent the next pet rock - I am totally sending her brownies. Also the guys who made The Matrix did this film, and come one, that was a pretty awesome trilogy, with awesome long leather jackets and awesome names. Morpheus, Neo - who talks like that? So I say, run, don't walk to the theater, and if you see Natalie, would it kill you to put in a good word???