BRAD ALDOUS: Movie Reviews

"The Nanny Diaries"

Dear Diary: I wish Scarlet Johannsen was MY nanny. Man! I also wish I could use a time machine to go back to the ticket counter at Loews and see The Bourne Ultimatum again instead. PRE---DICT---ABLE!!!
Kudos to Laura Linney who can play an upper east side bitch as well as her normal neurotic artsy bitch. You go bitch.

"Who's Your Caddy?"

A better question would be, Who's your uncle that works at the Weinstein Company and got this steaming piece of crap a green light? Oh yeah, and Outkast guy? Don't give up the music career. Hey Ya: you Suck.

"Dady Day Camp"

When did we start making sequels to shitty movies? I guess because idiots around the globe look at this and go, it's that guy from Jerry Maguire! He's getting peed on... HI-larious.
Oh how the Cuba Gooding has fallen. And after Radio and Snow Dogs - it would appear that he cannot get up. Show Me The SHITTY! Oh nevermind. You have been ever since Boyz in the Hood....

"Sicko"

Go see this movie. While it is undoubtedly one-sided, Michael Moore has made a very funny, very moving, very anger inducing film that people need to see. And may we all have health insurance soon.

"Once"

I think this might be the first time I have ever had several glowing reviews in a row, but if you haven't seen this indie musical, you need to. It's beautiful, sweet and the music is sensational. Maybe I am getting soft in my old age. But I loved it.

"Oceans 13"

Where the hell is Julia Roberts? That's not cool. This is a true popcorn flick, easy on the eyes, and forgotten before you get home, but I think Clooney, Pitt, and Damon are having so much damn fun that you can't help but enjoy it. And while Ellen Barkin and her MASSIVE fake breasts are fine and good, she's no Pretty Woman. Go, laugh and be fruitful.

"Spiderman 3"

Really? After the two previous kick-ass flicks, that was all you could come up with? Lowell from "Wings" and the dork from "That 70's show"??? A mysterious black substance that brings out the "dark" side of people? Oh I get it. Sam Raimi's 9 year old wrote this.... no, then it would have at least been believable and slightly fun. Also, please don't ever make me watch Tobey Maguire dance EVER again. Seriously. And don't even get me started on the amnesia. Amnesia? Suddenly, it's "Days of Our Lives." Ps. Kirsten Dunst. Between this and Marie Antoinette, I'll still make out with you, but I'm not cooking you dinner. So say I.

"Fracture"

This is what my brain had after the first 6 minutes. And we're talking a COMPOUND, Joe Theisman style fracture, as this movie redefines the word atrocious. Ryan Gosling manages to shine, but Anthony Hopkins is finally been reduced to single note creepy, and seems to have taken over for Michael Caine, as the man who won't turn down a movie. I found out right before the screening that the filmmakers had just cut 30 minutes out of the film... never a good sign, and in fact they could have cut out another 45. The music was crap. The story was crap. The "metaphors" were like brown piles in the middle of a field. Yeah, you get the point. Wait until this comes to DVD, and then buy 2 copies and send them to people you hate, preferably, Anthony Hopkins, and the director, Shitty McNoTalent.

"The Namesake"

Dear Projectioinst at the AMC 25 on Times Square:

I know you only make minimum wage. I know you're dealing with puberty. I know Mom and Dad are assholes, and you would rather be at home playing Halo and listening to Slipknot. But when I pay 11 bucks to see a movie, I expect to be able to HEAR IT!!!!!! THe movie is shot decently, and the acting seemed ok, but I couldn't tell you what was said in the first 30 minutes, as the sound was apparently being routed through a speak and spell, and through one speaker. Once I could hear, it was an interesting enough story, though a bit predictable, and slightly heavy handed. Who knew that the guy from "Harold and Kumar" could do something other than play "high"?? Kudos to you, young skywalker....

"Because I Said So"

Wow. I think this was possibly the most critically reviled film of the year so far, and so for me to unleash the hounds and write a scathingly hilarious review seems downright mean. So instead, I’ll disguise it as letters to the cast and crew. Because I feel like it.

Dear Screenwriters: Just because you know the word “montage” doesn’t mean you should have it on every other page of your script. Here’s another word you should look up and avoid. Cliché. Yipes.

Dear Director: Loved Heathers! Uh…at least it’s not as bad as Hudson Hawk?? Also, congratulations on shooting the first scene with 4 women in their underwear that's ever bored me. Please slap yourself.

Dear Miss Keaton: You are still beautiful, but the gags felt forced. I hope you enjoy the new house that you buy with the money you make.

Dear Tom Everett Scott: Hire someone to do your make up. Lord, kiddo – you looked like a walking corpse up there. And did the character description say, “He is part robot?” No? Then don’t play it like that.

Dear New guy who’s name I can’t remember with the hat: You were actually one of the best things in the movie. Josh Lucas – look out. Romantic comedy has a new name and it is: uh… new guy who’s name I can’t remember with the hat.

Dear Tony Hale: I loved you on Arrested Development. I hope you enjoy the new car you buy with the money you make.

Dear Mandy: I watched “Saved” a while back, and I saw you on “Entourage”, and I think that you have a range that is far and above most of your peers. I think you also have a wonderful Lucille Ball like quality, and I for one, am ready to see you in a project worthy of your talents. Next time your “people” point you towards a project like this, call me, and we’ll drink a nice Pinot Noir and eat homemade butternut squash risotto while discussing the finer points of finding new management. And then you’ll probably want to make out, and I will undoubtedly acquiesce. What can I say – I’m a giver…

So say I.

"Dreamgirls"

Ummmm. Dreamcrap? This weak excuse for a movie musical doesn't hold a candle to Chicago, and I would frankly rather be beaten with a blunt object while watching "High School: The Musical" than ever sit through this again. Eddie Murphy does his same old schtick, but he does look sad once. For 3 seconds. Wow - such acting....
Jamie Foxx phones it in, and Jennifer Hudson, while she can certainly sing, was one note and boring. Then there was Beyonce. She's hot. She looks amazing and while all this crap was flying around her, I'd still like to play spin the bottle with her. And she comes off way better than anyone else. Oh yeah, Danny Glover is old. In a word, saveyourself3hours.

"Pan's Labyrinth"

A muddy little girl, creatures with eyes in their hands and a spanish civil war make this a movie that doesn't know what it is. Is it Alice in Wonderland? Is it Beastmaster 5? is it Life is a Dream? Since Guillermo del Sucko couldn't seem to decide, I will. This is one of the most overrated pieces of $%#* to hit screens in years. Honestly there are moments of beauty, and some intriguing twists, but mostly I just didn't give a crap, as they lost me when the story went haywire. Muy bonita, muy estupida. Very pretty, very stupid. Pretty stupid.

"Pursuit of Happyness"

Will Smith has a mustache. And a bitchy wife. And he is really good at the Rubiks cube. Add a touch of grey to his hair, his son playing....drumroll... his son, and you have all the ingredients for a long, really boring Hallmark movie. Which is what this should have been. Roger Ebert gave this a glowing review, just proving to me once more that the fat bastard is on the payroll of every studio in town. Bad bad movie. But as he cries on the floor of a subway bathroom holding his sleeping son, he'll probably get an oscar nod. Happyness is a warm puppy. And I hope that puppy bites Roger Ebert squarely in the crotch.

"Rocky Balboa"

Awesome. Stallone should be proud, and as surprised as I was, I really enjoyed it. Nice to spend a couple of hours with the champ.

"Blood Diamond"

As much as I want to hate Leonardo DiCpaprio, I have to admit he was flat out awesome in this picture. Dijon Honsou is also great, and fans of him yelling (he does that in pretty much every movie) will not be dissapointed. Jennifer Connelly got a nice paycheck, and the subject matter is a wake up call. Definitely worth checking out.

"Borat"

Ridiculously f**king hysterical. Innapropriate, lude, crude, and offensive in all of the best ways. I thought that my friend I saw it with (who is 8 months pregnant) was going to give birth right there...
Cohen is a genius!

"School for Scoundrels"

Billy Bob Thorton can do just about anything. And what we can take from this abortion of a movie is that he WILL do just about anything. Scot Armstrong is a funny writer, and a fellow improv alum, so I am fairly certain that the script for this was WAY WAY funnier than the final product. Jon Heder AKA Napoleon Dynamite, should be immediately deported back to Utah, as this makes it abundantly clear, he is as much a lead actor as I am Somalian freedom fighter. Stick to the strange characters - because your acting makes the cast of "Degrassi Junior High" blush. Honestly - I wanted to like this. And I laughed maybe 4 times. And we all know what a sucked for stupid laughs I am. Confuscious say, "Don't even CONSIDER renting it. S to the U to the C to the K to the S. Play scrabble instead, get a triple words score on "french fried potatoes" and dream of a time when Billy Bob would have seen the final cut and punched Todd Phillips in the face. So say I.

"Flags of Our Fathers"

Go ahead Clint. Make me bored....
Man!! No story, schmaltzy sing song music, and 15 minutes of "Saving Private Ryan" stapled into the middle?? Aside from an amazing performance by Adam Beach, I felt like this would have been a great 30 minute documentary. I like flags. And I like fathers. But apparently when you put the two together you get: SUCK! I bet the book is incredible, and all studio execs reading please take note, just because it's a great book does NOT MEAN IT WILL MAKE A GREAT MOVIE!!!! Dirty Harry?
Mystic River. Strike 1. Million Dollar Baby. Strike 2. This one?? Foul ball - but your next pitch better be straight down the pipe or we're breaking up. So say I.

"The Departed"

Wicked violent. Heavy on the symbolism, and with an ending that feels like they ran out of ideas and money, it's still fun as hell to watch and has some great performances. I walked out and wanted to shoot things and punch people in the face. And that's why I love america.

"Snakes on A Plane"

Genius. Unmittified chortle inducing genius. Nothing can take away from the ridiculous premise and the wonderful awfulness that is the plot, dialogue, and style. They shot it in the manner of Magnum PI and the A Team, and with lines like, "Get this snake of my dick!!!!" The 12 year old in me was as happy as an Irishman locked in a Guiness factory. It's cheesy, stupid, and worth every penny of the 11 bucks they charge these days at the cinema. Go. Laugh. Scream. and witness the awesomeness that is Samuel L. Jackson.

"Little Man"

Shitty, thy name is Wayans. I went to see this based on the fact that the last movie by these guys, "White Chicks," was actually pretty fun, but Hollywood and the broad comedy have hit a new low. At a budget of 60 million dollars, I think that every moviegoer who has to sit through this pathetic attempt at a comedy should receive twice their ticket price refunded, and then get to punch a Wayans in the crotch. The lovely and talented Kerry Washington does her best to rise above the crappy script and worse direction, but ultimately this is a movie that tried to pas off unintentional bad acting and hokey sentimentality as a "broad" comedy. And when I, king of the crappy movies, truly hate something.... you know it reallllllly sucks. If you see a Wayans (except Damon who had the sense to avoid this stinkball) - please smile sweetly; and then throw the nearest heavy object at their crotch. So Say I....

"The Devil Wears Prada"

Anne Hathaway is gorgeous and lowly. Meryl Streep is the queen bitch. Add loads of fancy clothes and bitchy comments from models doing cameos and Stanley Tucci doing "gay". I just saved you 10 dollars....

"Strangers with Candy"

If you liked it on Comedy Central, you'll like this longer, cameo filled Jeri Blank fest. Stephen Colbert and 300 celebrity cameos are fun, but Amy Sedaris is the shining star. She is perhaps the funniest woman in show biz, and I for one, would like to date her. Someone please hook that up..

"Little Miss Sunshine"

Awesomeness Personified. Dark, Dysfunctional and Hilarious. Go!!

"Miami Vice"

Seriously. Why remake perfection?? Also, Colin Farell and Jamie Foxx aren't qualified to hold Don Johnson and Phillip Michael Thomas's jockstraps. And, Colin? The mustache? It just increases the magnitude of your "punch me" face.
So say I....