BRAD ALDOUS: Movie Reviews

"Star Wars: Clone Wars"

May the force be with you. And by "with you" I mean, "Punch You in the Face" - if you actually go see this "movie." Now that the geeks of the world have an animated Princess Leia to polish their lightsabers to: we'll never come up with a cure for cancer....

"Pineapple Express"

I went to see this sober. And while it was interesting, occasionally funny, and has the best theme song in a movie ever (thanks Huey Lewis), I am pretty sure that you have to be under the influence of Marijuana to "get it". Let's be honest, Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow could actually put a camera on their couch, film themselves playing X-box - and it would open number 1 at the Box Office. It's not my favorite movie ever, but then again it's miles better than "There Will be Blood". Take that as you will....

"Sex in the City"

Wow. I just grew a vagina. Eeesh.
First I would like to point out that I saw the new Indiana Jones, Iron Man, AND the new Adam Sandler (ouch) before I went to this.
It was pretty much what I expected, a larger than life version of the TV show, except it was 36 hours long.

PS. I'm totally a Carrie.

"My Blueberry NIghts"

If it were possible to punch a movie in the nose, this would definitely earn that honor.
I just have one question for Wong Kar and that is Wai ?? Seriously, Wai ? I have seen Afterschool specials with better scripts and acting. I don't truly even know where to begin with this flaming piece of garbage, other than to compare it to a pageant girl. Sparkly and sort of slightly pretty to look at, but completely empty and dumb as a box of rocks. Sweet Norah Jones. Sweet sweet Norah. I LOVE your music. It puts my nephew to sleep, and it is perfect music to cook by, but for the love of all that is sacred, the next time someone approaches you about acting in a film, maybe an acting class first? Or heaven forbid, just blow a whistle and scream until they run away. I have to give Mr. Wai credit for suckering a bunch of A list talent into his empty shitty well lit world, but do none of them read a script before they sign on? In summation, suck suck suck. Suck. WOW! Suck. I'm pretty sure they are now running this on a loop in Hell. It's just that bad.

"Cloverfield"

JJ Abrams owes me 3.99 for a box of dramamine. PS. I remember that monster when I saw it the first time: In Jabba the Hut's pit in 1983.

"The Hottie and the Nottie"

I'll come clean. I have not seen this movie, but I did see a trailer, and even that was time I will never get back. All love to the vapid Miss HIlton (who also produced this work of cinematic genius) but I would rather have angry weasels sewn into my pants than spend any amount of time or money on this colossal crapfest. So say I.

"There Will Be Blood"

There will be silence? Maybe. There will be soundtrack. Assuredly.
There will be scenery chewing and a run time of "can we go the hell home yet?"
Abso-damn-lutely.

Like every year, critics need a dramatic opus to wax their "Buicks" to: and PT Anderson's epic drama about oil in Texas is this year's winner.

Called "Genius", a "masterpiece", "stunning", I began to wonder if every film critic in the nation had blunt force trauma to the head leaving them in a state of previously unparallelled mental retardation. Don't get me wrong. It has it's moments. But with a 2 hour and 38 minute running time that feels like 5 hours, it better.
I was also under the impression that Mr. Anderson was married to SNL's Maya Rudolph, but after watching the film, I must be mistaken. It is obvious that he is married to whoever did the horrendously overdone and annoyingly awful soundtrack, as that is the only explanation as to why it wasn't chucked.

Cliches and mind numbing storylines aside, this film will undoutedly please many people who enjoy downtown performance art theater and other things I hate. And if any of them try to explain its "merits" to me, I will promptly hit them in the face with a bowling pin. I'm done.

"The Darjeeling Limited"

Wes Anderson is a great filmmaker. His movies look very cool and have fantastic art direction. Unfortunately, the stories tend to suck more than a Super Powered Hoover. THis clunker is no exception. Adrien Brody has a big nose, Owen Wilson is quirky and Jason Schwartzman....well, he smokes alot and tries to look uber serious. BORING. TEDIOUS. AND BORING.
While I like visiting this world for 10 minutes, after 20 I was ready to poke out my eyes with the Twizzlers I snuck into the theater.
Wes: I liked the American Express commercial that you did much much better than this. Use the money you made from that and hire a writer. Please.

"The Nanny Diaries"

Dear Diary: I wish Scarlet Johannsen was MY nanny. Man! I also wish I could use a time machine to go back to the ticket counter at Loews and see The Bourne Ultimatum again instead. PRE---DICT---ABLE!!!
Kudos to Laura Linney who can play an upper east side bitch as well as her normal neurotic artsy bitch. You go bitch.

"Who's Your Caddy?"

A better question would be, Who's your uncle that works at the Weinstein Company and got this steaming piece of crap a green light? Oh yeah, and Outkast guy? Don't give up the music career. Hey Ya: you Suck.

"Dady Day Camp"

When did we start making sequels to shitty movies? I guess because idiots around the globe look at this and go, it's that guy from Jerry Maguire! He's getting peed on... HI-larious.
Oh how the Cuba Gooding has fallen. And after Radio and Snow Dogs - it would appear that he cannot get up. Show Me The SHITTY! Oh nevermind. You have been ever since Boyz in the Hood....

"Sicko"

Go see this movie. While it is undoubtedly one-sided, Michael Moore has made a very funny, very moving, very anger inducing film that people need to see. And may we all have health insurance soon.

"Once"

I think this might be the first time I have ever had several glowing reviews in a row, but if you haven't seen this indie musical, you need to. It's beautiful, sweet and the music is sensational. Maybe I am getting soft in my old age. But I loved it.

"Oceans 13"

Where the hell is Julia Roberts? That's not cool. This is a true popcorn flick, easy on the eyes, and forgotten before you get home, but I think Clooney, Pitt, and Damon are having so much damn fun that you can't help but enjoy it. And while Ellen Barkin and her MASSIVE fake breasts are fine and good, she's no Pretty Woman. Go, laugh and be fruitful.

"Spiderman 3"

Really? After the two previous kick-ass flicks, that was all you could come up with? Lowell from "Wings" and the dork from "That 70's show"??? A mysterious black substance that brings out the "dark" side of people? Oh I get it. Sam Raimi's 9 year old wrote this.... no, then it would have at least been believable and slightly fun. Also, please don't ever make me watch Tobey Maguire dance EVER again. Seriously. And don't even get me started on the amnesia. Amnesia? Suddenly, it's "Days of Our Lives." Ps. Kirsten Dunst. Between this and Marie Antoinette, I'll still make out with you, but I'm not cooking you dinner. So say I.

"Fracture"

This is what my brain had after the first 6 minutes. And we're talking a COMPOUND, Joe Theisman style fracture, as this movie redefines the word atrocious. Ryan Gosling manages to shine, but Anthony Hopkins is finally been reduced to single note creepy, and seems to have taken over for Michael Caine, as the man who won't turn down a movie. I found out right before the screening that the filmmakers had just cut 30 minutes out of the film... never a good sign, and in fact they could have cut out another 45. The music was crap. The story was crap. The "metaphors" were like brown piles in the middle of a field. Yeah, you get the point. Wait until this comes to DVD, and then buy 2 copies and send them to people you hate, preferably, Anthony Hopkins, and the director, Shitty McNoTalent.

"The Namesake"

Dear Projectioinst at the AMC 25 on Times Square:

I know you only make minimum wage. I know you're dealing with puberty. I know Mom and Dad are assholes, and you would rather be at home playing Halo and listening to Slipknot. But when I pay 11 bucks to see a movie, I expect to be able to HEAR IT!!!!!! THe movie is shot decently, and the acting seemed ok, but I couldn't tell you what was said in the first 30 minutes, as the sound was apparently being routed through a speak and spell, and through one speaker. Once I could hear, it was an interesting enough story, though a bit predictable, and slightly heavy handed. Who knew that the guy from "Harold and Kumar" could do something other than play "high"?? Kudos to you, young skywalker....

"Because I Said So"

Wow. I think this was possibly the most critically reviled film of the year so far, and so for me to unleash the hounds and write a scathingly hilarious review seems downright mean. So instead, I’ll disguise it as letters to the cast and crew. Because I feel like it.

Dear Screenwriters: Just because you know the word “montage” doesn’t mean you should have it on every other page of your script. Here’s another word you should look up and avoid. Cliché. Yipes.

Dear Director: Loved Heathers! Uh…at least it’s not as bad as Hudson Hawk?? Also, congratulations on shooting the first scene with 4 women in their underwear that's ever bored me. Please slap yourself.

Dear Miss Keaton: You are still beautiful, but the gags felt forced. I hope you enjoy the new house that you buy with the money you make.

Dear Tom Everett Scott: Hire someone to do your make up. Lord, kiddo – you looked like a walking corpse up there. And did the character description say, “He is part robot?” No? Then don’t play it like that.

Dear New guy who’s name I can’t remember with the hat: You were actually one of the best things in the movie. Josh Lucas – look out. Romantic comedy has a new name and it is: uh… new guy who’s name I can’t remember with the hat.

Dear Tony Hale: I loved you on Arrested Development. I hope you enjoy the new car you buy with the money you make.

Dear Mandy: I watched “Saved” a while back, and I saw you on “Entourage”, and I think that you have a range that is far and above most of your peers. I think you also have a wonderful Lucille Ball like quality, and I for one, am ready to see you in a project worthy of your talents. Next time your “people” point you towards a project like this, call me, and we’ll drink a nice Pinot Noir and eat homemade butternut squash risotto while discussing the finer points of finding new management. And then you’ll probably want to make out, and I will undoubtedly acquiesce. What can I say – I’m a giver…

So say I.

"Dreamgirls"

Ummmm. Dreamcrap? This weak excuse for a movie musical doesn't hold a candle to Chicago, and I would frankly rather be beaten with a blunt object while watching "High School: The Musical" than ever sit through this again. Eddie Murphy does his same old schtick, but he does look sad once. For 3 seconds. Wow - such acting....
Jamie Foxx phones it in, and Jennifer Hudson, while she can certainly sing, was one note and boring. Then there was Beyonce. She's hot. She looks amazing and while all this crap was flying around her, I'd still like to play spin the bottle with her. And she comes off way better than anyone else. Oh yeah, Danny Glover is old. In a word, saveyourself3hours.

"Pan's Labyrinth"

A muddy little girl, creatures with eyes in their hands and a spanish civil war make this a movie that doesn't know what it is. Is it Alice in Wonderland? Is it Beastmaster 5? is it Life is a Dream? Since Guillermo del Sucko couldn't seem to decide, I will. This is one of the most overrated pieces of $%#* to hit screens in years. Honestly there are moments of beauty, and some intriguing twists, but mostly I just didn't give a crap, as they lost me when the story went haywire. Muy bonita, muy estupida. Very pretty, very stupid. Pretty stupid.

"Pursuit of Happyness"

Will Smith has a mustache. And a bitchy wife. And he is really good at the Rubiks cube. Add a touch of grey to his hair, his son playing....drumroll... his son, and you have all the ingredients for a long, really boring Hallmark movie. Which is what this should have been. Roger Ebert gave this a glowing review, just proving to me once more that the fat bastard is on the payroll of every studio in town. Bad bad movie. But as he cries on the floor of a subway bathroom holding his sleeping son, he'll probably get an oscar nod. Happyness is a warm puppy. And I hope that puppy bites Roger Ebert squarely in the crotch.

"Rocky Balboa"

Awesome. Stallone should be proud, and as surprised as I was, I really enjoyed it. Nice to spend a couple of hours with the champ.

"Blood Diamond"

As much as I want to hate Leonardo DiCpaprio, I have to admit he was flat out awesome in this picture. Dijon Honsou is also great, and fans of him yelling (he does that in pretty much every movie) will not be dissapointed. Jennifer Connelly got a nice paycheck, and the subject matter is a wake up call. Definitely worth checking out.

"Borat"

Ridiculously f**king hysterical. Innapropriate, lude, crude, and offensive in all of the best ways. I thought that my friend I saw it with (who is 8 months pregnant) was going to give birth right there...
Cohen is a genius!

"School for Scoundrels"

Billy Bob Thorton can do just about anything. And what we can take from this abortion of a movie is that he WILL do just about anything. Scot Armstrong is a funny writer, and a fellow improv alum, so I am fairly certain that the script for this was WAY WAY funnier than the final product. Jon Heder AKA Napoleon Dynamite, should be immediately deported back to Utah, as this makes it abundantly clear, he is as much a lead actor as I am Somalian freedom fighter. Stick to the strange characters - because your acting makes the cast of "Degrassi Junior High" blush. Honestly - I wanted to like this. And I laughed maybe 4 times. And we all know what a sucked for stupid laughs I am. Confuscious say, "Don't even CONSIDER renting it. S to the U to the C to the K to the S. Play scrabble instead, get a triple words score on "french fried potatoes" and dream of a time when Billy Bob would have seen the final cut and punched Todd Phillips in the face. So say I.

"Flags of Our Fathers"

Go ahead Clint. Make me bored....
Man!! No story, schmaltzy sing song music, and 15 minutes of "Saving Private Ryan" stapled into the middle?? Aside from an amazing performance by Adam Beach, I felt like this would have been a great 30 minute documentary. I like flags. And I like fathers. But apparently when you put the two together you get: SUCK! I bet the book is incredible, and all studio execs reading please take note, just because it's a great book does NOT MEAN IT WILL MAKE A GREAT MOVIE!!!! Dirty Harry?
Mystic River. Strike 1. Million Dollar Baby. Strike 2. This one?? Foul ball - but your next pitch better be straight down the pipe or we're breaking up. So say I.

"The Departed"

Wicked violent. Heavy on the symbolism, and with an ending that feels like they ran out of ideas and money, it's still fun as hell to watch and has some great performances. I walked out and wanted to shoot things and punch people in the face. And that's why I love america.

"Snakes on A Plane"

Genius. Unmittified chortle inducing genius. Nothing can take away from the ridiculous premise and the wonderful awfulness that is the plot, dialogue, and style. They shot it in the manner of Magnum PI and the A Team, and with lines like, "Get this snake of my dick!!!!" The 12 year old in me was as happy as an Irishman locked in a Guiness factory. It's cheesy, stupid, and worth every penny of the 11 bucks they charge these days at the cinema. Go. Laugh. Scream. and witness the awesomeness that is Samuel L. Jackson.

"Little Man"

Shitty, thy name is Wayans. I went to see this based on the fact that the last movie by these guys, "White Chicks," was actually pretty fun, but Hollywood and the broad comedy have hit a new low. At a budget of 60 million dollars, I think that every moviegoer who has to sit through this pathetic attempt at a comedy should receive twice their ticket price refunded, and then get to punch a Wayans in the crotch. The lovely and talented Kerry Washington does her best to rise above the crappy script and worse direction, but ultimately this is a movie that tried to pas off unintentional bad acting and hokey sentimentality as a "broad" comedy. And when I, king of the crappy movies, truly hate something.... you know it reallllllly sucks. If you see a Wayans (except Damon who had the sense to avoid this stinkball) - please smile sweetly; and then throw the nearest heavy object at their crotch. So Say I....

"The Devil Wears Prada"

Anne Hathaway is gorgeous and lowly. Meryl Streep is the queen bitch. Add loads of fancy clothes and bitchy comments from models doing cameos and Stanley Tucci doing "gay". I just saved you 10 dollars....

"Strangers with Candy"

If you liked it on Comedy Central, you'll like this longer, cameo filled Jeri Blank fest. Stephen Colbert and 300 celebrity cameos are fun, but Amy Sedaris is the shining star. She is perhaps the funniest woman in show biz, and I for one, would like to date her. Someone please hook that up..

"Little Miss Sunshine"

Awesomeness Personified. Dark, Dysfunctional and Hilarious. Go!!

"Miami Vice"

Seriously. Why remake perfection?? Also, Colin Farell and Jamie Foxx aren't qualified to hold Don Johnson and Phillip Michael Thomas's jockstraps. And, Colin? The mustache? It just increases the magnitude of your "punch me" face.
So say I....

"Cars"

When I saw the previews for this new Pixar offering, my first thought was, "Vroom, Vroom.. this is gonna SUCK!" But I will admit I was dead wrong. I even enjoyed Larry the Cable Guy, and that's saying something, as his antics usually make me want to start sterilizing anyone who has ever paid to see him "perform". It's a good story, and as always with Pixar - the genius is in the details: like the teen cars spitting over the edge of the stadium.... And if you put Paul Newman's Doc Hudson and Buzz Lightyear in a fight, I'll take the salad dressing king anyday!

"An Inconvenient Truth"

I have it from a reliable source that this is a must see movie! Al Gore apparently...zzzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzzzzz zzzzz zzzzz

"The Break-Up"

Jennifer Aniston has a great butt. But because of my first name, she'll likely never date me..... This "romantic comedy" has some of the most realistic arguments that i have ever seen on film, and watching Mr. Vaughn and Mr. Favreau banter back and forth is always fun. Big Ups to my friend Chuck Stubbings as "plaid shorts" at the Cubs game.. and kudos to the filmmakers for an ending that is hopeful instead of hokey. So say I.

"Just My Luck"

Dear Lindsay:
I couldn't find anything else to see in my 2 hour alotted, "movie time" and I must say, that your newest film surprised me with its clever writing and well timed comedy. The appearance of my dear friend Matt as the "Silver Robot Dancer" ticked me even more, and with the catchy tunes by McFly, the fact that it was filmed in NYC, and the decent direction, I almost didn't notice that you weigh 20 pounds less than you did in Mean Girls. Please eat a sandwich or a salad or even the residents of a small country (Namibia maybe?). You are funny and nicely making the transition to adult films, now buck up and eat like one. So say I.

"X-Men: The Last Stand"

It was the last stand right up until it was the fifth biggest weekend opening ever, and now it is likely the 1st of 3 or 4 "last stands", even though the script, dialogue and storyline were, as would say in jolly old England, "dead crap." True comic book geeks undoubtedly embraced this film, but the creative team ultimately tried to do way too much in under 2 hours, and so it all came off incredibly poorly.
When you have Halle Berry, Rebecca Romjin Stamos, Anna Paquin, Famke Jannsen and Ellen Page in one movie and I just don't care....there's something wrong in the kitchen, capice?? We can only hope that Bryan Singer will come back and bring a little life back into the inevitable sequel. As it stands - the X-Men are X-tremely X-boring and X-actly what is wrong with Hollywood - too much money, no style, and no substance...so say I.

"Basic Instinct 2"

Ewww. My instinct is, why not just rent the first one when Sharon was still kind of sexy and before all of the plastic surgery?? Also, sequels suck. So say I.

"Must Love Dogs"

Must throw up. Why John Cusack and Diane Lane agreed to make this flaming piece of feces, no one will ever know, but suffice to say this. Formula, 1. Originality, 0. My jaw hurt after watching this from gaping the entire time at how unfunny it was. Romantic COMEDY. That generally insinuates that there will be something FUNNY to watch. Except for Baron Von Trapp himself, slumming as Lane's Dad and reciting Keats. Pathetic: thy name is Hollywood.

"Failure to Launch"

Matthew McConnaughey is pretty. We get it. In real life he's sleeping with Penelope Cruz. But when it is advertised as a romantic "comedy" there should be a little more of that special sauce we call "the funny". Points to my pal Rob Corddry for a nicely understated cameo as the gun salesman, and to Zooey Deschanel as the second banana. If those two had been the leads - it might have actually made people laugh, and we could have avoided seeing Terry Bradshaw's naked old ass. Movie executive...why???

"V for Vendetta"

Ok. I'm coming clean up front. I haven't actually seen this film yet. BUT! I can honestly say that Natalie Portman and I would probably produce the smartest, best looking children ever. Our hair is about the same length right now, which is a little creepy, but once hers grows out, and I win the lotto or invent the next pet rock - I am totally sending her brownies. Also the guys who made The Matrix did this film, and come one, that was a pretty awesome trilogy, with awesome long leather jackets and awesome names. Morpheus, Neo - who talks like that? So I say, run, don't walk to the theater, and if you see Natalie, would it kill you to put in a good word???

"She's the Man"

I know, I know. But I have this addiction to cheesy romantic comedies aimed at the tween demographic - plus, it was based on Twelth Night - so that makes it a little less pathetic...right? No matter- Amanda Bynes is a star. She is funny, gorgeous, and has a huge career in front of her if she plays her cards right. Oh wait - she's been acting since she was a fetus, I forgot - she can probably retire next year to her own private island off of Borneo, and just walk around, eating coconuts and yelling at the natives. And if she films that, i will probably fork over 10 bucks to see it. Cause that is how i roll.....

"Date Movie"

SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKFEST. This film made me angry!!!! This was arguably the worst movie I have ever seen. The "2 of the 6 writers from Scary Movie" who wrote this should have their Writers Guild Cards burned and then someone should beat them with something blunt. I can honestly say that I laughed twice in the entire film, and that mostly, I felt the place where I was supposed to laugh and felt pained that I couldn't. The director, producers, and most of the actors are equally at fault, and finally there is no getting back the 90 minutes that was stolen from my otherwise awesome life. If you know anyone involved with "Date Movie", please kick them in the crotch and tell them it's from me. I usually prefer to save my angry diatribes for modern dance where there is talking or bad art shows, but this is one day I am ashamed to be part of the entertainment industry. My apologies and instead of seeing this film, spend an hour slapping yourself. It'll be a much more pleasant experience.

"King Kong"

Adrien Brody tiene un nariz muy muy grande. In english, for my non- spanish friends, Adrien Brody's got a HUUUUGE noggin. And amidst the CGI Dinosaurs, 1920's cars, and piles of skulls, I just kept thinkin - I wonder if his sneezes effect the trade winds?? Peter Jackson's latest effort, (after the incredible if longwinded LOTR cycle) is a testament to the fact that the bearded man from New Zealand could literally have a bowel movement on a piece of celluloid and people will flock to the multiplexes to see it. I would totally take Naomi Watts on a gondola ride through Venice, but I preferred her in Mulholland Drive when she was half naked and makin out with chicks. In this film, she spends half the film looking teary eyed at a giant monkey. Emoting thy name is Naomi. Jack Black deserves an Oscar nod for saying the last line of the movie with a straight face. "It wasn't the airplane. It was Beauty killed the Beast." Then he turns into a candelabra and sings a song with a tea cup. WHAAAA? Oh yeah, and the film is 2 days long. So my advice is, rent one of the LOTR movies instead, and if you really want the King Kong experience, go to your nearest Zoo and check out the chimps, and then thrown away 10 bucks and punch yourself in the face. So say I.

"Brokeback Mountain"

YAWN. Ok, from the very first shot of the mountains and the whiny guitar twang, i knew I was in for a good nap. Let's get this out of the way, in terms of the subject matter, I have absolutely no problem, although had it been say Kirsten Dunst and Julia Stiles, I likely would have enjoyed it much more. The performances were fine, but I don't get the hubub? They were out in the middle of nowhere, they had two choices, and they didn't choose the sheep. All right, whatever - but it is not the "greatest american love story of our generation." Unless "Showgirls" is the greatest american drama of our generation. Or "Dude, Where's my Car" is the greatest american comedy of our generation, and sorry Ashton. It's NOT. And even though you are sleeping with Demi - your last name still sounds weird. So say I.

"THE PRODUCERS"

I walked into this ready to hate it, even though I loved the musical and several of my dear friends had small parts in it. Boy was I pleasantly surprised. Maybe I was just in the right mood, but I laughed harder watching this film than I have in a long time. They managed to take the best parts of the original movie and the musical and combine them into what is 2 1/2 hours of fairly solid laughs. The one weak link in the cast is the lovely Uma Thurman, who, while she has a body made for sinning, comes off amateurish, as she is surrounded by one genius performance after another. Broderick, Lane, Ferrell, all outdo themselves and there is no shortage of dancing girl eye candy either! Vava-voom. That said, it is a musical, so if you are not a fan of people breaking into song at the drop of a hat and for no discernable reason - get the new Jean Claude Van Damme from Netflix and enjoy!

"JUST FRIENDS"

I love me a good stupid comedy! And after years of hating Ryan Reynolds on "Two Pricks, a Whore, and a Pizza Place", I'll admit he has started to win me over. The movie is predictable, but the gags are many, and there are quite a few good laughs. Amy Smart (who ranks in the top 50 women with whom I'd like to share spaghetti) is as dreamy as ever, and I would pay $10 just to watch her do dishes. Anna Faris plays another parody of a pop star (as she did in Lost in Translation) but is given more of a chance to go wild, and she steals the movie. Chris Klein is Chris Klein, and any jackass stupid enough to break up with Katie Holmes isn't worth reviewing. If you like dumb romantic comedies, as I do, you'll enjoy this. If your favorite movies are typically Woody Allen or lesser known foriegn films: stay home and cook risotto....

"CAPOTE"

Holy Crap. I call this kind of movie a "statue" movie. As in, "I want to win me one of those Statues this year." And Phillip Seymour Hoffman may very well win the Oscar nod for his portrayal of Truman Capote. He has the funny voice down, but I can sum up the movie by saying that my friend (who is a stunning actress and a film lover) actually fell into REM sleep next to me. Long shots of Kansas wheat fields, witty party banter, prison scenes, a virtual.... ZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Sorry, fell asleep remembering it. The length is 1 hour and 54 minutes, although I am pretty sure that is a misprint and it was actually 7 hours and 54 minutes. Author David Rakoff has a brief cameo which is fun, and Catherine Keener and I should totally make out. If you are an insufferable bore or need a nap, head on out and see Capote. Otherwise stay home and watch Hoffman in "Happiness" or read Rakoff's new book, "Don't Get Too Comfortable."

"A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE"

This film has about the longest, strangest opening sequence I've seen since "Mulholland Drive" and my lovely date for the evening summed up the movie better than I can. As we left the theater, she said, "I want to beat people up and have sex." And though we refrained, she's right. The movie is uber-violent, very sexy, and will make you look at stairs in a whole new way. The sub plot with the son and the "mullet bullies" felt like it was ripped from a bad 80's after school special, and William Hurt has a nice cameo, but overall I would reccomed to wait for the DVD and then fast fwd to the violence and the sex. Of course that's what I reccomed for almost every movie, but you get my gist...

"ELIZABETHTOWN"

Cameron Crowe makes good movies. Say Anything, Singles, Almost Famous, and Jerry Maguire are all movies I would see again. And some I have watched many many times. Elizabethtown does not, unfortunately, make this list. Not by a long shot....

As with all of his movies, the music is great, but this time he could have just made us a mix tape: an itunes playlist of the songs and saved the money. Orlando Bloom is flat out boring, Kirsten Dunst (who I would love to cook Lasagna for) is over the top and badly directed, and Susan Sarandon, who can make a Lifetime movie seem compelling, even has a hard time keeping the ball afloat. Alec Baldwin is fun in a quick cameo, but when you make a road movie about a funeral and there are no weddings and no Hugh Grant - you got bubkis.

While Mr. Crowe struck out big with this one, everyone is allowed the occasional dud, especially when they gave us LLoyd Dobler. "She gave me a pen." Indeed. We only hoped Mr. Crowe would use it to re-write this clunker before it hit the screen....