BRAD ALDOUS: Movie Reviews

"Albert Nobbs"

It's when movies like this get made that I feel the urge to seek out the powers that be and shake some sense into their tiny little empty heads. Within the first 3 minutes, you get it. Glen Close is acting like a man. She's a good actress. People think she's a man. Then, they make you watch it for 2 f *ing hours and NOTHING HAPPENS. NOTHING! I mean, you get an occasional look of longing, or one of those speeches which I am sure makes community theater stars and the members of the Hollywood Foreign Press wet themselves, but for the rest of us, it was almost, but not quite, as exciting as watching paint dry. Dull, Flat, badly written paint.

(Spoiler Alert) Normally when a character dies in a movie, you feel a little bad. This time: I felt elated - because I knew it meant this god forsaken excuse for a movie was finally almost over.

Miss Close - I loved you on the Wire. And I know you want an Oscar - but the reason Meryl keeps beating you is because she picks good stories! Whoever your advisors are need a swift kick in the ass.

And now, I'm gonna go boil a rabbit.

"New Years Eve"

Dear Gary Marshall:

I used to love you. I loved Happy Days and Laverne and Shirley and Pretty Woman, but this needs to stop. First - Valentines Day, which was a total abortion of a movie, and now this one. What next? Arbor Day? I realize that absolutely everyone wants to work with you and you CAN get a huge amazing cast of stars for your movies, but that doesn't mean you should. You are undoubtedly a great guy - but your judgement regarding what makes a good movie has apparently waned and fallen off the Brooklyn Bridge. And while its nice that I can always count on your giving the underrated and awesome Hector Elizondo more work, I think he even might agree - these last movies have made "The Kentucky Fried Movie" look artistic. Stay home, count your money, hug your loved ones, and stop doing holiday movies that make me want to cut myself.

"Shame"

My female friend who took me to see this "film" swears that she had no idea that it was as much of a soft core porn film as it is. And that said, I found it to be oddly boring. There is lots of sex, and lots of brooding, and I don't begin to understand the fascination with Michael Fassbender. Other than he has a cool last named that sounds like a German beer, he's about as charismatic as a piece of rye toast. Carey Mulligan is lovely, but her rendition of New York, NY was so bad that it made me a little angry. Frank Sinatra, were he around, would have probably slapped her. Ok, not probably, definitely. If you like your films long, boring and filled with full frontal male nudity right from the get go, by all means - go check it out. If not, stay home and play Angry Birds. You're welcome.

"The Greatest Movie Ever Sold"

I won't call this "The Greatest Review ever Sold." Did Morgan Spurlock pay me to write this review? No. But I will admit that after flying on a Jet Blue charter to Altoona, PA to see the local premiere of the film, I am inclined to say that I was a rootin tootin good time. Apparently the film was already in the black by the time it came out, which in todays day and age is a special kind of genius. It's a really funny movie, and if you aren't interested in buying "Mane and Tail" shampoo after seeing it - we're probably not friends. The movie combines the smart dissecting of a topic that Spurlock is known for along with this trademark humor and an inside look at marketing and advertising that makes you start to see how much of it we are exposed to every day. Check it out! (this review is brought to you by Dr.Pepper) ( in as much as I have been drinking it whilst writing)

Ok, here's the thing. I hold the Farrelly brothers up to a different level for comedy, because they have made me laugh so much before. But Hall Pass feels like a bad idea, run through a bad idea mill, and then with every single half wit development assistant adding their bad ideas. Jason Sudeikis is funny and likable as always, but I still dont get Owen Wilson. He's just not that good or funny or handsome or anything. I think my doorman has better timing, a straighter nose, and a less annoying voice. There are about 4 laughs in this entire movie. So, I guess I would say, if you're looking for the funny: it packed and left the building. And it took your 13 dollars with it.

Ok, I don't think i have ever written 2 glowing reviews in a row - but Rango is stupidly good. Funny, weird, and just thematically awesome, this is the best animated feature I have seen in eons. If you miss it, you're dumb.

"Biutiful"

Javier Bardem is a really amazing actor. I get it. But it would have been slightly less powerful had they merely reached inside me and ripped out my entrails. The movie is indeed beautiful. And also incredibly depressing, sad, and, well, let's just say this - if you like a good cry, or more truthfully a good sob, go for it.

"Tooth Fairy"

This film is far and away the most surprising and cinematically exciting motion picture to be seen here in many a moon. As a matter of fact, it comes close to being the most sensational film ever made in Hollywood.

We would, indeed, like to say as many nice things as possible about everything else in this film—space, unfortunately, is short. All we can say, in conclusion, is that you shouldn't miss this film. It is cynical, ironic, sometimes oppressive and as realistic as a slap. But it has more vitality than fifteen other films we could name. And, although it may not give a thoroughly clear answer, at least it brings to mind one deeply moral thought: For what shall it profit a man if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul? See "Tooth Fairy" for further details.

(adapted from the NY TIMES original review for Citizen Kane)

"Win Win"

Tom McCarthy has knocked this one out of the park. Funny, understated, and just incredibly real, this is one of my favorite films in the past couple of years. Paul Giamatti, Bobbi Carnavale, Jeffrey Tambor, Amy Ryan and a newcomer named Alex Shaffer are all amazing. Don't miss it.

"Valentines Day"

...is just like syrup of ipecac, just a little and you're off to the races, but then, it just gets worse and worse...

Imagine if you will, a world where a famous director could make a movie so deviod of charm, laughs or structure, and it would still make 50 million dollars its opening weekend. Now imagine me, sitting in a movie theater, wanting to walk out (and/or punch an usher) , but so horrified by the sheer awfulness on the screen, that I felt I had to keep watching (like a penance). What did I do to deserve this, universe??

Gary Marshall has apparently either become stupid crazy senile or is playing a huge practical joke on the American public - as this is without a doubt the most poorly crafted film of all time. Maybe he made a bet with friends that they could make a mint with a story that a telenovela would be ashamed of? Soft core porn on skinemax has more cohesive characters and more laughs. I can only guess that Actors in hollywood don't read scripts anymore, or were all blackmailed to do this - because this film is LAUGHABLY bad and few of them escape with their dignity. Taylor Swift (god help us) seems bent on moving into acting. Hey if you can make millions and get awards to sing horrifically - why not cross over into other genres you totally suck at as well! You go girl!! On a positive note, now the interrogators of the world have a new tool to use on suspects, as i suspect if anyone was subjected to this film even TWICE, they would spill the beans on their own mom..

Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Anne Hathaway, and Julia Roberts all in the same movie, and i STILL wanted a car, a hose and a garage after about 10 minutes.

Any reviewer who gave this over a D should be fired tomorrow and publicly ridiculed for the rest of 2010 as a movie studio shill and a mental incompetent and then beaten with their own bad taste.

I not only want my 12.50 back, I want an apology, I want the 2 hours back, and I want some saltines. Just thought about this movie again, and I now i need to go puke some more.

"A SIngle Man"

Dear Tom Ford: Thanks for creating a visually stunning, well acted, fantasy for gay men in their 50's. SOOO many of us can relate to that??? Seriously? Here's a hint. Stick to clothes and leave the film making to people with a real story to tell. On that note, I need to go write a script about a world where everywhere I go, super models try to seduce me. Kidding. That already happens.

"It's Complicated"

It's really not all that complicated. You're all old. And there's a reason romantic comedies are made with stars in their 20's and 30's. I think it's called the, "Cause it's so much less creepy" factor. Meryl - I love ya, Steve, you're my idol. Alec - you are hilarious and brilliant. Shame on you all.

"Wendy and Lucy"

My friend who I saw this with summed up this "movie" like this. "That is the first time I have ever felt like a movie stole part of my life." Let me break it down for you. Michelle Williams with a page boy haircut. She's Wendy. Her dog...is Lucy - and she spends pretty much the whole movie looking for her dog. Lucy! Luuuucy! Luuu? (long pause) Luuuucyy!...and so forth. What. The. F*#%???????? If I ever meet the director of this vomit enducing snoozefest, I can't hit her, as I don't hit girls. But I will beg her to please please please change professions and never EVER make anyone sit through another minute of her boring, useless, and unenertaining drivel. And then I will find her teachers from film school and kick them in the nuts.

"Synecdoche, New York"

Apparently, if you write a couple of weird movies that Spike Jones makes, and then you get to direct one, here's how it works. You get a bunch of huge stars to sign on, people give you a massive budget, and then you laugh your ass off, smoke a ton of weed, and put together the most bizarro, disconnected, mindfuck of a movie that has ever been made. It actually started out with some promise, but I think the ganj that Mr. Kaufman was smoking just got stronger and stronger, or he got lazier and lazier - and the problem is, when you write AND direct - there is no one to tell you that what you are making has devolved into a huge steaming pile of NONSENSE. Instead of spending 12 dollars or 2 hours to see this, use the money to buy a bum some WIne, chase a pigeon for 5 minutes, and then write a better screenplay in 25 minutes. You'll save 3 buck, an hour and a half, AND your synapses will thank you for not subjecting them to the biggest meandering pile of Dada that has ever existed. I watched a free screener of this, but I still want my 12 dollars back.

"Nights in Rodanthe"

Diane Lane is 43 and still super hot. WE GET IT! Richard Gere is greying and charming. OK! But we don't need to be reminded for 97 f*&%ing minutes! SKip this and go see the Chronichles of Rodanthe with that half man half horse and thinly veiled biblical overtones. Enjoy!

"The Women"

Wow. I never thought these words would cross my lips, but this was worse than Sex in the City. And Meg Ryan? A platypus called and he wants his face back. What were you THINKING? You look like an Alien and Joan Rivers had a baby and then someone put it in a face stretching machine. This movie has no men in it. And yet there was no making out at all. Lame lame lame. Cloris Leachman was the only saving grace in that she can make anything funny, and did, but that alone was not enough to make up for the sheer awfulness of this schlockfest. Do not put yourself through this, ever ever ever. So say I.

"Beverly Hills Chihuahua"

Where is Benji when you need him? Or Lassie? or Beethoven? Because I wish one of them would have come, peed on Jamie Lee Curtis's androgenous leg, and then doggy punched these little yippy bastards. Piper Peraboo? You were better in Coyote Ugly when you were lipsynching and dancing on a bar. As this is the NUMBER ONE MOVIE IN AMERICA, i hereby am considering moving to Spain more seriously. Look for the sequel, NYC Chihuahua, where a peregrine falcon mistakes it for a rat and, oh, short movie....

"Star Wars: Clone Wars"

May the force be with you. And by "with you" I mean, "Punch You in the Face" - if you actually go see this "movie." Now that the geeks of the world have an animated Princess Leia to polish their lightsabers to: we'll never come up with a cure for cancer....

"Pineapple Express"

I went to see this sober. And while it was interesting, occasionally funny, and has the best theme song in a movie ever (thanks Huey Lewis), I am pretty sure that you have to be under the influence of Marijuana to "get it". Let's be honest, Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow could actually put a camera on their couch, film themselves playing X-box - and it would open number 1 at the Box Office. It's not my favorite movie ever, but then again it's miles better than "There Will be Blood". Take that as you will....

"Sex in the City"

Wow. I just grew a vagina. Eeesh.
First I would like to point out that I saw the new Indiana Jones, Iron Man, AND the new Adam Sandler (ouch) before I went to this.
It was pretty much what I expected, a larger than life version of the TV show, except it was 36 hours long.

PS. I'm totally a Carrie.

"My Blueberry NIghts"

If it were possible to punch a movie in the nose, this would definitely earn that honor.
I just have one question for Wong Kar and that is Wai ?? Seriously, Wai ? I have seen Afterschool specials with better scripts and acting. I don't truly even know where to begin with this flaming piece of garbage, other than to compare it to a pageant girl. Sparkly and sort of slightly pretty to look at, but completely empty and dumb as a box of rocks. Sweet Norah Jones. Sweet sweet Norah. I LOVE your music. It puts my nephew to sleep, and it is perfect music to cook by, but for the love of all that is sacred, the next time someone approaches you about acting in a film, maybe an acting class first? Or heaven forbid, just blow a whistle and scream until they run away. I have to give Mr. Wai credit for suckering a bunch of A list talent into his empty shitty well lit world, but do none of them read a script before they sign on? In summation, suck suck suck. Suck. WOW! Suck. I'm pretty sure they are now running this on a loop in Hell. It's just that bad.

"Cloverfield"

JJ Abrams owes me 3.99 for a box of dramamine. PS. I remember that monster when I saw it the first time: In Jabba the Hut's pit in 1983.

"The Hottie and the Nottie"

I'll come clean. I have not seen this movie, but I did see a trailer, and even that was time I will never get back. All love to the vapid Miss HIlton (who also produced this work of cinematic genius) but I would rather have angry weasels sewn into my pants than spend any amount of time or money on this colossal crapfest. So say I.

"There Will Be Blood"

There will be silence? Maybe. There will be soundtrack. Assuredly.
There will be scenery chewing and a run time of "can we go the hell home yet?"
Abso-damn-lutely.

Like every year, critics need a dramatic opus to wax their "Buicks" to: and PT Anderson's epic drama about oil in Texas is this year's winner.

Called "Genius", a "masterpiece", "stunning", I began to wonder if every film critic in the nation had blunt force trauma to the head leaving them in a state of previously unparallelled mental retardation. Don't get me wrong. It has it's moments. But with a 2 hour and 38 minute running time that feels like 5 hours, it better.
I was also under the impression that Mr. Anderson was married to SNL's Maya Rudolph, but after watching the film, I must be mistaken. It is obvious that he is married to whoever did the horrendously overdone and annoyingly awful soundtrack, as that is the only explanation as to why it wasn't chucked.

Cliches and mind numbing storylines aside, this film will undoutedly please many people who enjoy downtown performance art theater and other things I hate. And if any of them try to explain its "merits" to me, I will promptly hit them in the face with a bowling pin. I'm done.

"The Darjeeling Limited"

Wes Anderson is a great filmmaker. His movies look very cool and have fantastic art direction. Unfortunately, the stories tend to suck more than a Super Powered Hoover. THis clunker is no exception. Adrien Brody has a big nose, Owen Wilson is quirky and Jason Schwartzman....well, he smokes alot and tries to look uber serious. BORING. TEDIOUS. AND BORING.
While I like visiting this world for 10 minutes, after 20 I was ready to poke out my eyes with the Twizzlers I snuck into the theater.
Wes: I liked the American Express commercial that you did much much better than this. Use the money you made from that and hire a writer. Please.