BRAD ALDOUS: Movie Reviews

"Valentines Day"

...is just like syrup of ipecac, just a little and you're off to the races, but then, it just gets worse and worse...

Imagine if you will, a world where a famous director could make a movie so deviod of charm, laughs or structure, and it would still make 50 million dollars its opening weekend. Now imagine me, sitting in a movie theater, wanting to walk out (and/or punch an usher) , but so horrified by the sheer awfulness on the screen, that I felt I had to keep watching (like a penance). What did I do to deserve this, universe??

Gary Marshall has apparently either become stupid crazy senile or is playing a huge practical joke on the American public - as this is without a doubt the most poorly crafted film of all time. Maybe he made a bet with friends that they could make a mint with a story that a telenovela would be ashamed of? Soft core porn on skinemax has more cohesive characters and more laughs. I can only guess that Actors in hollywood don't read scripts anymore, or were all blackmailed to do this - because this film is LAUGHABLY bad and few of them escape with their dignity. Taylor Swift (god help us) seems bent on moving into acting. Hey if you can make millions and get awards to sing horrifically - why not cross over into other genres you totally suck at as well! You go girl!! On a positive note, now the interrogators of the world have a new tool to use on suspects, as i suspect if anyone was subjected to this film even TWICE, they would spill the beans on their own mom..

Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Anne Hathaway, and Julia Roberts all in the same movie, and i STILL wanted a car, a hose and a garage after about 10 minutes.

Any reviewer who gave this over a D should be fired tomorrow and publicly ridiculed for the rest of 2010 as a movie studio shill and a mental incompetent and then beaten with their own bad taste.

I not only want my 12.50 back, I want an apology, I want the 2 hours back, and I want some saltines. Just thought about this movie again, and I now i need to go puke some more.

"A SIngle Man"

Dear Tom Ford: Thanks for creating a visually stunning, well acted, fantasy for gay men in their 50's. SOOO many of us can relate to that??? Seriously? Here's a hint. Stick to clothes and leave the film making to people with a real story to tell. On that note, I need to go write a script about a world where everywhere I go, super models try to seduce me. Kidding. That already happens.

"It's Complicated"

It's really not all that complicated. You're all old. And there's a reason romantic comedies are made with stars in their 20's and 30's. I think it's called the, "Cause it's so much less creepy" factor. Meryl - I love ya, Steve, you're my idol. Alec - you are hilarious and brilliant. Shame on you all.

"Wendy and Lucy"

My friend who I saw this with summed up this "movie" like this. "That is the first time I have ever felt like a movie stole part of my life." Let me break it down for you. Michelle Williams with a page boy haircut. She's Wendy. Her dog...is Lucy - and she spends pretty much the whole movie looking for her dog. Lucy! Luuuucy! Luuu? (long pause) Luuuucyy!...and so forth. What. The. F*#%???????? If I ever meet the director of this vomit enducing snoozefest, I can't hit her, as I don't hit girls. But I will beg her to please please please change professions and never EVER make anyone sit through another minute of her boring, useless, and unenertaining drivel. And then I will find her teachers from film school and kick them in the nuts.

"Synecdoche, New York"

Apparently, if you write a couple of weird movies that Spike Jones makes, and then you get to direct one, here's how it works. You get a bunch of huge stars to sign on, people give you a massive budget, and then you laugh your ass off, smoke a ton of weed, and put together the most bizarro, disconnected, mindfuck of a movie that has ever been made. It actually started out with some promise, but I think the ganj that Mr. Kaufman was smoking just got stronger and stronger, or he got lazier and lazier - and the problem is, when you write AND direct - there is no one to tell you that what you are making has devolved into a huge steaming pile of NONSENSE. Instead of spending 12 dollars or 2 hours to see this, use the money to buy a bum some WIne, chase a pigeon for 5 minutes, and then write a better screenplay in 25 minutes. You'll save 3 buck, an hour and a half, AND your synapses will thank you for not subjecting them to the biggest meandering pile of Dada that has ever existed. I watched a free screener of this, but I still want my 12 dollars back.

"Nights in Rodanthe"

Diane Lane is 43 and still super hot. WE GET IT! Richard Gere is greying and charming. OK! But we don't need to be reminded for 97 f*&%ing minutes! SKip this and go see the Chronichles of Rodanthe with that half man half horse and thinly veiled biblical overtones. Enjoy!

"The Women"

Wow. I never thought these words would cross my lips, but this was worse than Sex in the City. And Meg Ryan? A platypus called and he wants his face back. What were you THINKING? You look like an Alien and Joan Rivers had a baby and then someone put it in a face stretching machine. This movie has no men in it. And yet there was no making out at all. Lame lame lame. Cloris Leachman was the only saving grace in that she can make anything funny, and did, but that alone was not enough to make up for the sheer awfulness of this schlockfest. Do not put yourself through this, ever ever ever. So say I.

"Beverly Hills Chihuahua"

Where is Benji when you need him? Or Lassie? or Beethoven? Because I wish one of them would have come, peed on Jamie Lee Curtis's androgenous leg, and then doggy punched these little yippy bastards. Piper Peraboo? You were better in Coyote Ugly when you were lipsynching and dancing on a bar. As this is the NUMBER ONE MOVIE IN AMERICA, i hereby am considering moving to Spain more seriously. Look for the sequel, NYC Chihuahua, where a peregrine falcon mistakes it for a rat and, oh, short movie....

"Star Wars: Clone Wars"

May the force be with you. And by "with you" I mean, "Punch You in the Face" - if you actually go see this "movie." Now that the geeks of the world have an animated Princess Leia to polish their lightsabers to: we'll never come up with a cure for cancer....

"Pineapple Express"

I went to see this sober. And while it was interesting, occasionally funny, and has the best theme song in a movie ever (thanks Huey Lewis), I am pretty sure that you have to be under the influence of Marijuana to "get it". Let's be honest, Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow could actually put a camera on their couch, film themselves playing X-box - and it would open number 1 at the Box Office. It's not my favorite movie ever, but then again it's miles better than "There Will be Blood". Take that as you will....

"Sex in the City"

Wow. I just grew a vagina. Eeesh.
First I would like to point out that I saw the new Indiana Jones, Iron Man, AND the new Adam Sandler (ouch) before I went to this.
It was pretty much what I expected, a larger than life version of the TV show, except it was 36 hours long.

PS. I'm totally a Carrie.

"My Blueberry NIghts"

If it were possible to punch a movie in the nose, this would definitely earn that honor.
I just have one question for Wong Kar and that is Wai ?? Seriously, Wai ? I have seen Afterschool specials with better scripts and acting. I don't truly even know where to begin with this flaming piece of garbage, other than to compare it to a pageant girl. Sparkly and sort of slightly pretty to look at, but completely empty and dumb as a box of rocks. Sweet Norah Jones. Sweet sweet Norah. I LOVE your music. It puts my nephew to sleep, and it is perfect music to cook by, but for the love of all that is sacred, the next time someone approaches you about acting in a film, maybe an acting class first? Or heaven forbid, just blow a whistle and scream until they run away. I have to give Mr. Wai credit for suckering a bunch of A list talent into his empty shitty well lit world, but do none of them read a script before they sign on? In summation, suck suck suck. Suck. WOW! Suck. I'm pretty sure they are now running this on a loop in Hell. It's just that bad.

"Cloverfield"

JJ Abrams owes me 3.99 for a box of dramamine. PS. I remember that monster when I saw it the first time: In Jabba the Hut's pit in 1983.

"The Hottie and the Nottie"

I'll come clean. I have not seen this movie, but I did see a trailer, and even that was time I will never get back. All love to the vapid Miss HIlton (who also produced this work of cinematic genius) but I would rather have angry weasels sewn into my pants than spend any amount of time or money on this colossal crapfest. So say I.

"There Will Be Blood"

There will be silence? Maybe. There will be soundtrack. Assuredly.
There will be scenery chewing and a run time of "can we go the hell home yet?"
Abso-damn-lutely.

Like every year, critics need a dramatic opus to wax their "Buicks" to: and PT Anderson's epic drama about oil in Texas is this year's winner.

Called "Genius", a "masterpiece", "stunning", I began to wonder if every film critic in the nation had blunt force trauma to the head leaving them in a state of previously unparallelled mental retardation. Don't get me wrong. It has it's moments. But with a 2 hour and 38 minute running time that feels like 5 hours, it better.
I was also under the impression that Mr. Anderson was married to SNL's Maya Rudolph, but after watching the film, I must be mistaken. It is obvious that he is married to whoever did the horrendously overdone and annoyingly awful soundtrack, as that is the only explanation as to why it wasn't chucked.

Cliches and mind numbing storylines aside, this film will undoutedly please many people who enjoy downtown performance art theater and other things I hate. And if any of them try to explain its "merits" to me, I will promptly hit them in the face with a bowling pin. I'm done.

"The Darjeeling Limited"

Wes Anderson is a great filmmaker. His movies look very cool and have fantastic art direction. Unfortunately, the stories tend to suck more than a Super Powered Hoover. THis clunker is no exception. Adrien Brody has a big nose, Owen Wilson is quirky and Jason Schwartzman....well, he smokes alot and tries to look uber serious. BORING. TEDIOUS. AND BORING.
While I like visiting this world for 10 minutes, after 20 I was ready to poke out my eyes with the Twizzlers I snuck into the theater.
Wes: I liked the American Express commercial that you did much much better than this. Use the money you made from that and hire a writer. Please.

"The Nanny Diaries"

Dear Diary: I wish Scarlet Johannsen was MY nanny. Man! I also wish I could use a time machine to go back to the ticket counter at Loews and see The Bourne Ultimatum again instead. PRE---DICT---ABLE!!!
Kudos to Laura Linney who can play an upper east side bitch as well as her normal neurotic artsy bitch. You go bitch.

"Who's Your Caddy?"

A better question would be, Who's your uncle that works at the Weinstein Company and got this steaming piece of crap a green light? Oh yeah, and Outkast guy? Don't give up the music career. Hey Ya: you Suck.

"Dady Day Camp"

When did we start making sequels to shitty movies? I guess because idiots around the globe look at this and go, it's that guy from Jerry Maguire! He's getting peed on... HI-larious.
Oh how the Cuba Gooding has fallen. And after Radio and Snow Dogs - it would appear that he cannot get up. Show Me The SHITTY! Oh nevermind. You have been ever since Boyz in the Hood....

"Sicko"

Go see this movie. While it is undoubtedly one-sided, Michael Moore has made a very funny, very moving, very anger inducing film that people need to see. And may we all have health insurance soon.

"Once"

I think this might be the first time I have ever had several glowing reviews in a row, but if you haven't seen this indie musical, you need to. It's beautiful, sweet and the music is sensational. Maybe I am getting soft in my old age. But I loved it.

"Oceans 13"

Where the hell is Julia Roberts? That's not cool. This is a true popcorn flick, easy on the eyes, and forgotten before you get home, but I think Clooney, Pitt, and Damon are having so much damn fun that you can't help but enjoy it. And while Ellen Barkin and her MASSIVE fake breasts are fine and good, she's no Pretty Woman. Go, laugh and be fruitful.

"Spiderman 3"

Really? After the two previous kick-ass flicks, that was all you could come up with? Lowell from "Wings" and the dork from "That 70's show"??? A mysterious black substance that brings out the "dark" side of people? Oh I get it. Sam Raimi's 9 year old wrote this.... no, then it would have at least been believable and slightly fun. Also, please don't ever make me watch Tobey Maguire dance EVER again. Seriously. And don't even get me started on the amnesia. Amnesia? Suddenly, it's "Days of Our Lives." Ps. Kirsten Dunst. Between this and Marie Antoinette, I'll still make out with you, but I'm not cooking you dinner. So say I.

"Fracture"

This is what my brain had after the first 6 minutes. And we're talking a COMPOUND, Joe Theisman style fracture, as this movie redefines the word atrocious. Ryan Gosling manages to shine, but Anthony Hopkins is finally been reduced to single note creepy, and seems to have taken over for Michael Caine, as the man who won't turn down a movie. I found out right before the screening that the filmmakers had just cut 30 minutes out of the film... never a good sign, and in fact they could have cut out another 45. The music was crap. The story was crap. The "metaphors" were like brown piles in the middle of a field. Yeah, you get the point. Wait until this comes to DVD, and then buy 2 copies and send them to people you hate, preferably, Anthony Hopkins, and the director, Shitty McNoTalent.

"The Namesake"

Dear Projectioinst at the AMC 25 on Times Square:

I know you only make minimum wage. I know you're dealing with puberty. I know Mom and Dad are assholes, and you would rather be at home playing Halo and listening to Slipknot. But when I pay 11 bucks to see a movie, I expect to be able to HEAR IT!!!!!! THe movie is shot decently, and the acting seemed ok, but I couldn't tell you what was said in the first 30 minutes, as the sound was apparently being routed through a speak and spell, and through one speaker. Once I could hear, it was an interesting enough story, though a bit predictable, and slightly heavy handed. Who knew that the guy from "Harold and Kumar" could do something other than play "high"?? Kudos to you, young skywalker....