BRAD ALDOUS: Daily Brad

1) Outraged officials in largely conservative India will examine video clips to see whether a halter slipping off a top model or another's skirt zip splitting at a fashion show were "deliberate" acts, a state minister said. Justin Timberlake was immediately brought in for questioning.

2) A new textbook used at schools in the Indian state of Rajasthan, and approved by the state government, compares housewives to donkeys. "A donkey is like a housewife ... In fact, the donkey is a shade better, for while the housewife may sometimes complain and walk off to her parents' home, you'll never catch the donkey being disloyal to his master.” Women’s groups across India countered that feeding housewives is much less expensive, and you will never catch a housewife crapping on the floor of the living room.

3) German authorities are changing 150 locks at a nuclear power plant after its owner said they had lost the keys to a security area, a ministry spokesman said on Monday. Repeated calls to AAA were unreturned and after a thorough search of the couch, the hunt was given up and the authorities returned to their bratwurst and schnapps.

4) The UK Independence Party (UKIP) demanded an apology from Conservative leader David Cameron on Tuesday after he called them "fruit cakes and loonies and closet racists". A UKIP spokeman described Cameron’s comments as “a refrigerator, jumping jacks and some biscuits” before calling him a “stupid jew chink darky.”

5) Mexican President Vicente Fox treated President Bush and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper to a tour of the Mayan ruins at Chichen Itza just outside the Caribbean resort city of Cancun today. Bush apparently took one look at the ruins and asked, “I did NOT realize that Osama hit you guys too…”

1) Pamela Anderson has bought a 2 million dollar condo in Las Vegas, just off the Vegas Strip. We can only hope that what moves to Vegas, stays in Vegas.

2) Oscar-winning rappers Three 6 Mafia say they are producing and recording tracks with Paris Hilton. And by producing and recording tracks: they mean having sex with her and taping it.

3) Same-sex couples from states where gay marriage is banned cannot legally marry in Massachusetts, the state's highest court ruled Thursday. The court then assured gay vacationers that Massachusetts will still take their money in P-town.

4) The US is considering legalizing cel phone conversation on airline flights. A study published this month found that cel phone radio signals do "present a clear and present danger" by interfering with sensitive navigational equipment. In my own study, this “clear and present danger” comes to whoever is next to me jabbering at 35,000 feet when I punch them in the face.

1) A 12-year-old visitor to the Detroit Institute of Arts stuck a wad of gum to Helen Frankenthaler’s, “The Bay” $1.5 million abstract painting, leaving a stain the size of a quarter. The 12 year old has been suspended by his school, disciplined by his parents and awarded a medal by the Nat. Asoc. Of People Who Think Paying 1.5 Million Dollars For Shitty Modern Art Is A Crime.

2) Lawyers for Jessica Alba, 24, have threatened to sue Playboy for running a photo of Alba wearing a multicolored bikini and sporting a belly ring, on the cover. They say it has damaged Alba’s image and is being used to fool readers to thinking she is nude inside. The actress who recently played a stripper in Sin City, and spent the entire film “Into the Blue” in a string bikini, says that she doesn’t believe in using sex to sell a product: unless she gets her cut.

3) After winning their first Oscar last night,, the 36 Mafia commented on their detractors, “We be in the studio makin’ hits. We ain’t worried about who dissin’ us. We wish the best for everybody that’s dissin’ us because we just in the studio workin’ on music.” They then prank called Sean Penn, Tom Cruise, and Morgan Freeman, shouting “You Ain’t got no Oscar!"

1) Tuesday , President Bush visited one of the nation's premiere labs studying renewable energies. His trip to the lab is part of a two-day, three-state trip to promote the energy proposals Bush outlined in his State of the Union address. "You're doing great work here," said Bush, who picked up a bottle of clear-colored ethanol and chugged it. “That’s good hootch!”

2) Martha Stewart recently spoke out on the failure of her NBC reality show, claiming the only reason her series flopped was because Trump’s version gobbled up too much airtime. “The Donald” claims that the only person to blame for Stewart's failure was Martha herself, saying, “It’s common knowledge that you can’t trust a felon.”

3) A visitor to a British museum tripped on his shoelace, stumbled down a stairway and fell into a display of centuries-old Chinese vases, shattering them into "very small pieces," officials said Monday. Sources at the Museum say it is the last time they will allow entry to Mr. Bean.

4) Three former associates of Jack Abramoff say the now-convicted lobbyist frequently told them he had strong ties to the White House through presidential confidant Karl Rove. The White House said Monday night that Rove remembers meeting Abramoff at a 1990s political meeting and considered the lobbyist a "casual acquaintance.” The White House then said “but not so casual that he wouldn’t take his money.” Apparently even evil incarnate doesn’t want to be linked to Abramoff.

5) The 78-year-old lawyer wounded by Vice President Dick Cheney in a hunting accident suffered a mild heart attack Tuesday after a shotgun pellet in his chest traveled to his heart, hospital officials said. Vice President Cheney scoffed when told the news citing, “Even I know that lawyers don’t have hearts!” The Vice Robot then went back to the laboratory to plug in and recharge.

6) In other news, the large Burger King “King” Mascot continues to be incredibly creepy.

1) Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets. His victim, a republican lawyer, was wounded in his very large right wing.

2) It was reported today that NASA has begun a mission to Pluto. At President Bushs’ request, the next missions will be to Goofy, Yosemite Sam and Bullwinkle.

3) Presidet Bush’s approval rating has dropped to 39 %, with some sources even suggesting he accompany the Vice President on a “nice long hunting trip”.

4) Saddam Hussein has announced he is going on a hunger strike. In a related story, most of the world wishes it was a breathing strike.

5) A Haitian national faces federal charges after security screeners found a human head in her luggage at Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport. The accused woman, stated that the purpose of the package was to “ward off evil spirits.” She was then informed that the purpose of the security screeners in place at the airport was to “ward off psychos who travel with human heads.”

6) Thousands of sports shoes washed up onto a Dutch island near Amsterdam Friday after a passing container ship lost part of its cargo. Nine containers drifted ashore after an overnight storm, packed with shoes, aluminum briefcases, toys and hamburgers. Even more popular than the shoes to the people from Amsterdam? The Hamburgers.

7) A Wyoming man staged his own disappearance in the Bighorn Mountains after losing $40,000 on a Super Bowl bet, police said Monday. Search and rescue teams spent two days looking for him in the rugged Bighorn Mountains in north-central Wyoming where he had told his wife he was headed to "clear his head" after losing the money, “maybe herd some sheep”, and “make out with Heath Ledger”.

1) Reuters reported today that staying married has its benefits, especially financial, as a new U.S.-wide study shows the wealth of a married person is almost double that of somebody who is single. Reuters then reported that they are awesome at math.

2) William Shatner sold his kidney stone to online casino GoldenPalace.Com this week for $25,000. The money will be donated by Shatner to Habitat for Humanity to build houses for the poor. This is just one in a long line of personal items Shatner has sold, starting with his dignity. In a related story, George Takei continues to sell himself.

3) Scientists in Ireland have discovered that as many as one in twelve Irish men could be descended from 5th century warlord Niall of the Nine Hostages. Scientists then reported the other 11 Irish men were likely descended from too much whiskey.

Niall’s genetic legacy is almost as impressive as the ancient warlord Genghis Khan, who has nearly 16 million descendants. 90 % of whom are absolutely terrifying.

4) President Bush gave his “State of the Union” address tonight, declaring, amid 763 standing ovations, that the US must get free of its dependence on mideast oil. His proposed solution: Midnight Oil, who the president promised will “Spin us Round Round Baby Round Round like a Record Baby right Round, Round Round.”


The President then called for a re-instatement of the controversial Patriot Act, further commenting, “After all, they won the Super Bowl and that Bledsoe fella is damn handsome!”

Throughout the speech, Bush nodded, smiled, squinted, and continued to look more and more like Alfred E. Neuman.

5) Pop Star Brittney Spears will appear on the April 13th episode of NBC’s “Will and Grace.” Her husband, Kevin Federline will appear on the April 13th unemployment line.

1) A study by an Italian sexologist has found that couples who have a TV set in their bedroom have sex half as often as those who don't. The same survey found that singles who have a TV set in their bedroom have green hair on their palms.

Violent films will put a stop to sexual relations for half of all couples, while reality shows stem passion for a third of couples. Unless they are watching Caroline Rhea on “The Biggest Loser”, which was found to put a stop to all thoughts sexual for half a century.

2) A British dentist has been banned from working after allowing her unqualified boyfriend to carry out dental work on patients in her surgery. People everywhere were stunned to learn that there are actually British Dentists.

3) An Australian scuba diver has survived an attack by a great white shark after fighting it off with his speargun and then his hands. Lawyers for the great white have already filed suit for assault against the diver, stating, “We look after our own…”

4) Self appointed fashion guru Mr. Blackwell's 46th annual “Worst Dressed List” came out on Tuesday. But Tom Cruise still hasn’t…

5) Former President Gerald R. Ford was responding well to treatment for pneumonia that put him in the hospital over the weekend, his chief of staff said Tuesday. His chief of staff then tripped and fell off the podium….

6) Reyan Lo, A 20-year-old California Institute of Technology student set a new world's record Saturday for solving the popular Rubik's Cube puzzle, solving it in 11.13 seconds. He says he now is setting his sights on kissing a girl.

1) Fetuses do not count as passengers when it comes to determining who may drive in the carpool lane, a judge ruled today in Arizona. Conversely, in Florida today, fetuses were given the right to vote.

2) Naked News, which features anchors and reporters who disrobe during newscasts, launched its risque take on current affairs in Japan Tuesday. Yet another in a long list of reasons I am moving to Japan.

3) U.S. Sen.Ted Kennedy is writing a children's book that will explain the workings of government from the point of view of his portugeese water dog Splash. Sources say Kennedy is also working on a follow up book, “Splash at Chappaquiddick.”

4) A spider that nested in the ear of a Swedish woman was discovered and removed alive after 27 days. The woman, Miss Inga Muffet, was unavailable for comment.

1) The new film “Glory Road” was originally slated to star Ben Affleck instead of Josh Lucas. Affleck reportedly pulled out of the film due to scheduling conflicts, namely scheduling his rapid fall into obscurity.

2) According to a recent article, attacks on humans by man-eating lions are on the rise in Tanzania and Mozambique. Coincidentally, attacks on humans by man eating, Talking Lions are on the rise in Narnia.

3) An Australian woman will face court on Tuesday charged with repeatedly stabbing her partner because he played an Elvis Presley song over and over again, police said on Tuesday. In a related story, if anyone plays any Kevin Federline song at all……I will stab them repeatedly.

1) President Bush is spending part of his Christmas holiday reading about the post-presidential years of Theodore Roosevelt and the lives of U.S. troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. In a related story, President Bush has learned to read.

2) President Bush says he can’t wait to finish this “assigned” reading so he can get back to finding Waldo. He commented, “that little bugger is almost as hard to find as Osama!”

3) A new version of the Surreal Life is out on VH1, including participants Janice Dickinson, Jose Canseco, and the Apprentice’s illustrious Omarossa. Omarossa comes from the latin Omarossanus, which means “desperately grasping to hold on to her 15 minutes of fame while simultaneously making everyone want to smack her silly.”

1) Actress Susan Lucci turned 59 today. Her facelift turned 16.

2) Former “Jackass” Star Johnny Knoxville is starring in a new movie where he plays a mentally handicapped individual. He commented,” It was almost like I didn’t have to act at all…”

3) Former Survivor winner Richard Hatch is back in the news, after he was indicted for tax evasion. No word yet if he will be charged with making us look at his fat sweaty naked ass all those times.

4) Gwen Stefani announced that she's pregnant at a concert in Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., on Wednesday evening. She said, “The whole pregnancy thing is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.”

5) USA Today reported this morning that 11 million US adults cannot read. Unfortunately, none of them will be able to check out the article.

6) Actor Brad Renfro was arrested yesterday after trying to buy heroin from an undercover officer. His career has been in a slump, but this contradicts an earlier statement by the actor that, “I can’t even get arrested in this town!”

1) An animal behaviorist says she's figured out what dogs are doing when they make that excited panting noise while playing. They're laughing. And I’ve figured out who keeps making late night obscene phone calls to my house. Damn you Beethoven!!!

2) President Bush today refuted statements that he was “living in a bubble”. He clarified,
”It’s a freedom pod!”

3) After months of resistance, the White House has finally agreed to accept Sen. John McCain's call for a law specifically banning torture. The White House had earlier threatened to veto this law if it was passed to the President’s desk: and further threatened to torture anyone who tried to do so. A White House spokesman said today, “We do not support or engage in “torture.”…..wink wink.”

"The church does not allow torture as a means to extract the truth," the Vatican said Tuesday. “There are other ways to obtain the truth," The vatican then followed up with, “Which is why it took us so long to find out about the whole priest/molestation things, so…come to think of it, nevermind. Torture away!

"Respect for that law must be considered binding on all peoples," the pontiff said. “Unless of course the “peoples” in question are heathens who don’t believe in Jesus – in which case, again, torture away. Do you need some tools? I think we have a whole crapload of stuff down in the catacombs…?”

The pope "is not condemning anybody, but is inviting them to observe the Geneva Convention" on the treatment of prisoners of war, said his spokesman. The continent of Africa then invited the Pope to observe the Bible and consider selling off a few trinkets to feed the starving masses. The Pope was on his way to afternoon tea and was unavailable for further comment. His spokesman fielded the question, and promptly sent an envoy to torture the continent of Africa…

Recent spotting of the Ivory-billed woodpecker, often called the “Elvis” of the bird world, have ornithologists combing a corner of Arkansas in an intensive six-month hunt. The bait: prescription drugs and fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

The last reliable sighting before amateur naturalist George Sparling's was in 1944, and most ornithologists had considered it extinct. Also, most ornithologists considered Dungeons and Dragons to be “life changing”, “The Lord of the Rings” the best movie Ever Ever Ever, and topped their new year resolutions with “kiss a girl.”

The woodpecker's appearance is so striking it has earned the nickname the "Lord God" bird, because people would exclaim, "Lord God what a woodpecker" on first spotting one. And then “Lord God, I’m a loser.” upon registering how excited they got. About seeing a bird…

In addition to visual evidence, automatic audio recorders posted at various locations in Arkansas have picked up the distinctive call and double-knock tap of the ivory-bill. They’ve also picked up the distinctive sounds and consistent tapping of brother on sister love.

One researcher said "We have signs that were put up in April that have not one bullet hole in them -- which is a reflection, I think, of the community's reaction to the bird." And a reflection of the reputation of the community. As they apparently frequently DO shoot signs.

The Audubon Society's senior ornithologist, Frank Gill, said, "It's kind of like finding Elvis." While Reuben Studdard said, “It’s kind of like eating chicken.”

1) "America's Next Top Model 5" won the hour in the net's target 18-34 year old demographic, delivering the best score for the unscripted series since its second edition. Then it ran to the bathroom and threw up.

2) The 1995 Honda Civic was the most-stolen car during 2004, according to statistics from the National Insurance Crime Bureau. The least-stolen car? The Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile.

3) A tooth believed to have been extracted from Napoleon's mouth was sold at auction in London Thursday for roughly $22,000. The anonymous British collector was heard to say,” I’ll care for it as if it were my own….wait – actually much better than that.”

4) Tom Cruise says he bought a sonogram machine for his pregnant fiance Katie Holmes so that they can monitor the development of their child. People everywhere are chipping in for an electro-shock treatment machine for Tom so they can monitor the spread of his crazy.

5) Of the sonogram machine he just purchased, Tom Cruise said this week: "I'm going to donate it to a hospital when we are done." He added “Then I just have to figure out how to get rid of Katie.

6) A Swedish drama student was fined on Wednesday for reading pornographic stories to a group of six-year-olds as part of a theater project on children's sexuality. The man's lawyer told Swedish radio that he would appeal as he had not meant the stories: about children having oral sex with each other, to be seen as pornographic. The man’s lawyer? Michael Jackson.

1) Officials in Santa, Idaho, on Monday voted to rename the 115-person town Secretsanta.com to hype an online service in exchange for an undisclosed sum. State officials are looking into legislation to change the name again, to GreedyBastardVille.

2) Researchers in Rome have found that looking at great works of art can inspire a strong, sometimes irresistible urge to destroy them. Apparently they first stumbled onto this syndrome after observing reactions to Andy Warhol’s famous work – SLASH THIS PAINTING WITH A KNIFE, YOU PUSSY!

3) The Vatican says homosexuals who are sexually active or support "gay culture" are unwelcome in the priesthood unless they have overcome their homosexual tendencies for at least three years. In response, priests across the world are throwing out their collections of show tunes.

4) A man who was struck in the head by a train this weekend was also hit in the head by a New York City subway car three years ago, officials said Monday. I think there’s an old adage about that - Hit in the head by a train once, shame on the train. Hit in the head by a train twice, you’re a jackass.

5) Some 1 million adult New Yorkers are obese, but nearly two-thirds of them don't think they are, according to a study released Tuesday. Of those 1 million, about 39% said the were “very overweight”, 42% that they were “slightly overweight”, and 19 % waited to do the survey until they finished their fries.

6) CNN apologized on Tuesday for a technical glitch many viewers failed to notice -- a large "X" the network flashed over Vice President Dick Cheney's face. Officials explained the image was actually supposed to be a mustache and a dunce cap.

1) Seattle based soda maker Jones Soda Co. is introducing a new soda flavor for the holidays: salmon. When asked how they came up with it, CEO Peter van Stolk replied, “it was a mix of inspiration, creativity, and tons of weed.”

2) A California woman said she still plans to marry the man who shot her in the groin and then held her hostage in his family's garage for six days. She added: And I pray that Christian has forgiven me for failing him when he needed me most. Oh. And for not being bulletproof.”

3) Researchers have found a compound that exists only in hops, the ingredient used to brew beer, that may help prevent some forms of cancer. College students everywhere celebrated the new cancer prevention by funneling it.

4) A blind golfer in Jerusalem hit a hole-in-one on Monday. Last month he bowled 300, pitched a perfect game and solved the rubik’s cube in sixteen seconds. His seeing eye dog, Fibber, was unavailable for comment.

5) Michael Jackson stirred a small controversy in the United Arab Emirates by entering the ladies room in a shopping mall Tuesday. A source called the charges “inflated”, saying "People are always interested in portraying a negative image of him. The reality is that he's an easy person to be with, not demanding and not difficult. Plus he always has candy.”

Thank God It's Friday! Two days until I have to stress again about the fact that I don't have a job....

1) A nursing home in Ireland has found a way to keep up the spirits of its elderly patients -- by providing its own pub. The home believes ready access to a good pint may help its patients -- average age 85 -- actually live longer. According to a source, the pub has already led to an increase in the number of visitors: as well as several cases of the clap.

2) Pat “Fire and Brimstone” Robertson, this week told the citizens of Dover, Pennsylvania who voted down "intelligent design" not to be surprised if disaster struck and warned them not to ask for god’s help because “he might not be there." He then warned them not to ask for FEMA’s help because “they definitely won’t be there.”

3) Former Beatle Paul McCartney will broadcast live into space Saturday from a U.S. concert to two astronauts on the international space station. Not to be outdone, Yoko Ono will broadcast into space as well: from her shower.

4) Keepers at a park in Mexico are looking for a mate for “Modesto” a lovesick giraffe after the 15-foot-tall beast tried to make love to a tree, a fence, and a garden shed. The park is home only to Modesto and a few ducks, and sources say the ducks are “totally stuck up.”

5) A wealthy Sri lankan presidential canidate, Victor Hettigoda has said he will use his personal fortune to buy a cow for every home in Sri Lanka if he is elected. President Bush called the claim ridiculous, saying, “Everyone knows there’s no such thing as cows..”

6) Next week at the Westchester Cat Show there will be a book signing by Allia Zobel, author of "101 Reasons Why a Cat is Better Than a Man”. Coincidentally, next week I will be at the Westminster Dog Show signing my own book, “101 Reasons I Guarantee Allia Zobel is a total dog.”

I'm taking an amazing class through the People's Improv Theater here in NYC, it's about writing for a late night comedy/variety show (a la Conan, Letterman, Leno, that scottish dude...) and we had to do monologue jokes last week - here are a few of my favorites...

1) This week Brooke Shields announced that she is thrilled to be pregnant again. Her husband writer-director Chris Henchy announced that he is thrilled that he got to have sex with her again.

2) Police in Iran are launching a new morality drive by confiscating what they called "alluring" mannequins from area boutiques, authorities said monday. When asked what would be done with the mannequins, an unnamed source replied, “Well, they certainly won’t be at my house having a nude tea party.”

3) A Greenpeace ship, the Rainbow Warrior II, hit a coral reef in the Phillipines on monday doing 7,000 dollars worth of damage. The ship was there to raise awareness about global warming, promote renewable energy, and to re-invent irony.

4) The "flying" Ford Anglia used in the Harry Potter films has been stolen from a film studio lot, police said on friday. When asked for comment, a spokesman for the Ministry of Magic muttered something about muggles and promptly disappeared into a chimney.

5) A new reality show in Czechoslovakia will follow the lives of four gorillas living together at the Prague Zoo who will battle it out for a grand prize of 12 melons, a delicacy for gorillas. Viewers and listeners will be able to vote via text messages for their favorite contestant. No word yet on how many of the gorillas Paula Abdul has slept with.

News is FUN!!!

Halloween raged for 5 days this year in the Big Apple, and by Monday people were completely toast! But I saw two costumes worth mention on Monday night. Number one was a guy in a tan floor length rain coat, holding a boom box over his head AS HE WALKED AROUND blaring "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel. She gave me a pen.....amazing!

And then there was my favorite - he was probably 5 or 6 years old, walking next to his mom, and he obviously had a hard time picking A costume - because he was wearing ALL of them! He was attired in A cowboy hat, a harry potter scar and scarf, a Red Superman Cape, Yellow Rain Boots, holding a lightsaber....

I call him "Super Jedi Cowboy Wizard" and pal - this Bud's for you!!!

In other news, I apparently have a big following in Singapore and Sweden! There have been a lot of hits to my website from those countries - so apparently I am an international man of comedy! Sweet! Next I aim to grow my fan base in Saudi Arabia, Somalia, Sierra Leone and Samoa. I will conquer the world, one letter at a time...

Saw Spammalot last night and have to admit I thought it Suckedalot. I liked all of the sketches, the first time when the real Monthy Python did them...although the new songs were funny and Sarah Rairez was awesome. It's a love letter to Monty Python and as disappointed as I was, it was still oodles better than Suckler on the Roof or Beauty and the Suck. My favorite Broadway show of the year is still the Putnam County Spelling Bee... so say I.

love,

King Brad!!!

In case you haven't stepped out in the past few days, it is once again Monsoon Season here in Manhattan. I don't know who lost a bet with The Flying Spaghetti Monster, but we are being pounded with precipitation the likes of which I have never seen in my seven + years living in NYC.

-There are several carp living in a large puddle/small pond on the corner of 23rd street and 10th avenue. I named the brown one "hungry" as he devoured what was left of my chinese take out.

-Pretty sure i saw two rhinos swim by my window this morning..... I live on the 7th floor...

-How many days left until the frogs rain down??

-Counted 17 umbrella carcasses between my apartment and the subway. (totally true)

-I'm staying home and cooking and watching old movies. If anyone needs me - I'll see you in April....

As those of you who know me know, I see movies like normal people have meals....often. So - here are a few mini reviews for current releases. Word.

A History of Violence - Wow. If you are looking for a movie to inspire you to beat the crap out of people and then have sex - this is the movie for you. The "mullet bully" killed it for me though....

Elizabethtown - Cameron Crowe can put together a killer soundtrack! now if he could only direct his actors....If Kirsten Dunst (who I like) tried any harder she would be doing Kabuki theater...but I'll watch Susan Sarandon read the phone book...

Into the Blue

The only reason to see this is to see Jessica Alba in a skimpy bikini...

http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hv&id=1808628267&cf=pg&photoid=589814&intl=us
Now there's no reason...

The Constant Gardener

If you liked "City of God" - this is by the same director and is smart, well acted and has a sensibility that transcends typical film-making. Also, Rachel Weisz is HOT.

Just Like Heaven

Formulaic. Cheesy. I wept like a small girl. And who doesn't love Reese Witherspoon? Commies - that's who!

Dreamer

I haven't actually seen this, but here's the equation. Horses + Dakota Fanning + Kurt Russell = start punching yourself in the face repeatedly....

The Fog

A thick fog rolls into a costal town and brings with it a ghost ship of vengeful spirits who think up movie ideas so entirely dumb and laughable that everyone just dies.

Allright - gotta go - Blind Date is starting.....

In case you just crawled out from under a rock, or you're a foreigner who doesn't know about it - on the 31st of this month is the BEST HOLIDAY EVER. Well, it isn't actually a holiday, as no one gets out of work or school, but it is a celebration that involves free candy, women dressing up in ways that you normally have to pay them to, and a great excuse to toilet paper anyone's house or car that you feel deserves it... all in the spirit of All Hallow's eve of course!

Halloween's true origins date back to the Celtic festival of Samhain. The Celts, who lived 2,000 years ago in the area that is now Ireland, the United Kingdom, and northern France, celebrated their new year on November 1. They were very fond of Basketball and Harps.

This day, Nov. 1, marked the end of summer and the harvest and the beginning of the dark, cold winter, a time of year that was often associated with human death (this was before central heating and "Seventh Heaven")

Celts believed that on the night before the new year, the boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead became blurred. On the night of October 31, they celebrated Samhain, when it was believed that the ghosts of the dead returned to earth. In addition to causing trouble and damaging crops, Celts thought that the presence of the otherworldly spirits made it easier for the Druids, or Celtic priests, to make predictions about the future.

To commemorate the event, Druids built huge sacred bonfires, where the people gathered to burn crops and animals as sacrifices to the Celtic deities.

So feel free to celebrate like the celts for Halloween! Burn stuff, destroy property and blame it on "the dead", sacrifice animals to Larry Bird, and if you have to, dress up like a french maid, hooker or cheerleader. But only if you really want to. And please take pictures....

That's right! Jumping on the bandwagon of the movie industry, "The Exorcismof Emily Rose" - the Vatican is offering a class in Exorcism at a Vatican Unversity outside of Rome. Apparently there are four sure signs that pointed to demonic possession rather than psychological problems.

They are listed as:

When someone speaks or understands languages they normally do not; when their physical strength is disproportionate to their body size or age; when they are suddenly knowledgeable about occult practices; when they have a physical aversion to sacred things, such as the communion host or prayers.

I like the term, "suddenly knowledgable about occult practices". Where would this "sudden knowledge" come from? Perhaps....READING??? But I wil say, I think I would look oh soooo fine in a pope hat. Right? Pope Brad Paul....Your papal Bradness... it could work....

In an effort to improve the "searchability" of my site - I make the following entry. Thanks Moody. NBC CBS FOX Anna Kournikova Lolita Free Money Paris Hilton Brad Pitt Jesus Buddha Allah Simpsons American Idol Puffy Esther Tantric Disney Chicago New York London Tokyo Katie Holmes.... mmm...sorry...lyrics U2 Anna Nicole Dane Cook Halloween Christmas Thanksgiving Arbor Day Maps Katrina Eva Longoria Yahoo Michael Jackson Elvis Beatles Katie Holmes. :)