BRAD ALDOUS: Daily Brad

1) Paris Hilton was arrested for drunk driving this week in Los Angeles. Apparently a clean breathalyzer is the one thing she can’t blow.

2) Enraged Chinese Internet surfers have called for a public apology from a Taiwanese model after she poked fun at the mainland's public toilets. Racism, torture, and religion are all mockable – but don’t f**k with their crappers.

3) A Basque separatist prisoner on trial for threatening to kill a judge on Thursday risked yet another jail sentence by threatening the presiding judge. "If you're a man, come here ... I'm going to skin you alive. Come here if you've got the balls... I look forward to shooting you seven times when I get my hands on you," he shouted. His family calls him misunderstood, claiming, “He probably would have only shot him 5 times. He’s not unreasonable.”

4) Code-breaking experts at the FBI are helping Italian investigators to determine whether a Bible found on the Mafia's "boss of bosses" when he was arrested in Sicily in April hides a secret code. "The FBI is working with the Italian police to determine whether there are any hidden messages in the Bible," said a U.S. government official, who asked not to be identified. Sources say they are flummoxed by their inability to play the bible backwards on a turntable.

1) The high school class of 2006 recorded the sharpest drop in SAT scores in 31 years, a decline that the College Board says is partly due to some students taking the newly lengthened test only once instead of twice. And partly due to the lack of an X-Box section. President Bush offered that “maybe we should move that SAT test to a different day” adding “who wants to get up that early and think after a hard Friday night of boozing?”
.

2) A woman in north China crashed her car while giving her dog a driving lesson according to state officials. "She thought she would let the dog 'have a try' at driving while she operated the accelerator and brake," the report said. This officially ends the stereotype that Asians are smarter than everyone else.

3) A father-son team from a small Louisiana town broke the state watermelon record three times this summer, with melons adding up to a total weight of 677 pounds. Today it was announced that 2 of the three watermelons have given a positive test result, in their 'A' sample, for a testosterone imbalance. Farmers Cyrus and Floyd Landis were unavailable for comment.

4) A group of Arizona seniors at a retirement facility had no idea what the 5 foot tall flourishing plant they nurtured in their driveway was until a passing deputy told them it was marijuana. "The residents just thought it was a pretty weed and so they decided to nurture it," said police sources. In a related story, Arizona seniors are spectacularly good liars and desperately in need of a new dealer.

1) Dozens of Nepali women stripped naked and plowed their fields in west Nepal, hoping to appease the gods and get some much needed rain. No word yet on the rain, but a spokesman for local 12 year old Nepali boys announced, “Please send us digital cameras.”

2) An Indian businessman born with two penises wants one of them removed surgically as he wants to marry and lead a normal sexual life. But first they will film their honeymoon, says his fiancée, Rick Solomon.

3) A woman is suing the J.C. Penney Co. after an alleged run-in with a store mannequin that she says left her with a cracked tooth, a bloodied head and recurring shoulder pain. Kim Catrall was unavailable for comment.

4) Hundreds of thousands of Indians thronged temples across India on Monday in the belief that statues of Hindu gods were drinking milk. Got Vishnu?

5) Turner Broadcasting is scouring more than 1,500 classic Hanna-Barbera cartoons, including old favorites Tom and Jerry, The Flintstones and Scooby-Doo, to edit out scenes that glamorize smoking. Turner plans to replace the scenes with new ones that glamorize binge drinking and promiscuous sex.

6) Animal rights activists have described as "sick" a live art performance involving a naked woman cradling a dead pig for four hours. One activist commented, “No one wants to see that! And the dead pig was gross too.”

1) Former Friends actress Jennifer Anniston says that reports of her engagement to the Vince Vaughn, including an article in Us Weekly, are completely false, calling the stories "insane." She added, “Think about it, like I would go from Brad Pitt to the lanky goofy guy from Swingers?”

2) Protestors and Buddhist monks brawled after a rally dubbed a "peace protest" turned unexpectedly violent in Sri Lanka on Thursday. Apparently a vow of silence and chastity doesn’t mean these saffron robed bald men won’t kick your pudgy ass….

3) A German family faces eviction from an east Berlin apartment building after neighbors complained about loud prayer sessions, including singing and screaming, that keep the whole building awake at night, sometimes starting at 2:30 AM. Residents have complained that the praying is disturbing their loud German lovemaking.

4) Three of four Mexican fishermen have been rescued after drifting for around nine months across much of the Pacific Ocean in a small boat. They apparently survived by drinking rain and eating birds and fish and Juan.

5) Master illusionist David Copperfield says he has found the "Fountain of Youth" in the southern Bahamas, amid a cluster of four tiny islands he recently bought for $50 million. He also claims that Elvis, Jimmy Hoffa and Santa Claus are residents and that he is learning to fly.

6) According to new study, residents of the US know much more about pop culture than they do about current events. Respondents were far more familiar with the Three Stooges -- Larry, Curly and Moe -- than the three branches of the U.S. government -- judicial, executive and legislative. Our sources found little difference between Curly and the Executive branch.

7) An Israeli woman's breast implants saved her life when she was wounded in a Hizbollah rocket attack on Tuesday. Doctors found shrapnel embedded in the silicone implants, just inches from the 24-year-old's heart. Yet another reason why boob jobs are completely awesome!

8) Puzzled U.S. border police arrested a Mexican man with 88 pounds of cheese hidden in a special compartment in his truck on Friday. In a related story, I won’t be having delicious quesadillas for a while.

1) A German woman found a frozen dead dog when she opened the freezer in her new apartment in the southwestern town of Trossingen, police said Saturday. The previous tenant later told police that they could question his methodology, but that his frozen dinners hadn’t been stolen since the “watch dog” was “installed.”

2) A young Dutch architect has created a floating bed which hovers above the ground through magnetic force and comes with a price tag of 1.2 million euros. Magnets built into the floor and into the bed itself repel each other, pushing the bed up into the air. There is also an optional floating toilet into which you can flush more of your money.

3) A German scientist has been testing an "anti-stupidity" pill with encouraging results on mice and fruit flies which helps stabilize short-term memory and improve attentiveness. At last contact, the scientist had been captured by his newly brilliant mice and fruit flies, who were said to be demanding freedom, cheese and fruit.

4) Police in eastern England are looking to God to help them catch vandals and burglars. As well as encouraging worshippers to keep an eye out on their churches and each other, the police said the plan “would allow Christians to use prayer to help catch criminals.”
According to a police source, Buddhists, Muslims and Jews are “shit out of luck.”

5) A man faces robbery and assault charges after allegedly stabbing two homeowners who chased him when he tried to steal tomatoes from their garden in Des Moines on Saturday. Police said the man stabbed one of the homeowners in the left side and slashed the other across the wrist. The robber was quoted as saying, “You say tomato, I say I”LL CUT YOU.”

1) According to the New York Sun, France and America are near an agreement on a Middle East Truce. Which is kind of incredible, as last time I checked, neither one of them was remotely near the Middle East. In a related story, the US and France appeared atop a new ranking list this morning, the List of Most Conceited Nations.

2) Condoleeza Rice continues to be sent to the middle east to try and foster diplomacy. Next up, newly appointed White House counsel Vanilla Ice is expected to be sent to Somalia.

3) In weather related news, New York City residents are reporting that it’s, “slightly warm” as shown by their “inability to stay outside for more than 3 minutes” as well as their “skin catching fire.” Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both, I took the one with air conditioning.

1) Mel Gibson issued a lengthy statement Saturday apologizing for his drunk driving arrest. He has yet to apologize, however, for Bird on A Wire, Air America or Hamlet.

Gibson also apologized for what he said were "despicable" statements he made to the deputies who arrested him early Friday morning on Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu. Again, no apologies for the despicable statements made by “The Passion of the Christ.”

He said he was taking "necessary steps to ensure my return to health." Sources say he may be marrying Tom Cruise and getting “pregnant.”

A breath test indicated Gibson's blood-alcohol level was 0.12%, His “crazy” level was, according to deputies, “off the charts.”

2) A studio executive scolded Lindsay Lohan in a letter for her behavior on a movie set this week, calling her behavior "discourteous, irresponsible and unprofessional." Adding, “We totally wouldn’t put up with this if you weren’t so damn HOT!”

3) Zuleyka Rivera Mendoza is back on her feet after being crowned Miss Universe 2006 and fainting shortly after. According to a spokesman, her fainting spell was caused by a combination of the heat, the lights and the emotional rush of winning. It was not caused, he assured, by the combination of lack of food, diet pills and Zima.

1) A chicken in a village in Kazakhstan has laid an egg with the word "Allah" inscribed on its shell, state media reported Thursday. A local farmer announced, "We'll keep this egg and we don't think it'll go bad." He then went back to having sex with his sister and a goat.

2) Lance Bass of the boy band 'N Sync, said today that he is gay. The nation shuddered with the oh-so unexpected and earth shattering news.(read previous line with heavy sarcasm) “The thing is, I'm not ashamed — that's the one thing I went to say, I'm more liberated and happy than I've been my whole life.” Especially that the media is paying attention to him again. Have fun Lance! You’re down to minute 12…

3) Ice-cold watermelon may be can be less nutritious than watermelon served at room temperature, U.S. Dept. of Agriculture scientists reported on Wednesday. The study was apparently done at the insistence of the powerful but previously unknown Watermelon Lobby. “Watermelon. It’s what’s for dinner.” It’s apparently a slow month in agriculture….

4) China said on Wednesday that Canada's decision to bestow honorary citizenship on the Dalai Lama could hurt commercial relations between the two countries. According to an inside source, sexual relations should continue undisturbed.

1) Supermodel Christie Brinkley has split with her husband, architect Peter Cook, after nearly 10 years of marriage, her publicist confirmed. This is her 4th divorce. When asked for comment, the model, who is fast approaching Elizabeth Taylor status, responded, “The Total Gym helps me stay in shape and feel great,” before running off down the beach with Chuck Norris.

2) Debbie Rowe, the former Mrs. Michael Jackson, has sued the pop singer, claiming he has failed to pay her what he promised when the two divorced in 1999. No mention of his failure to do what he promised on the honeymoon or at any point in their so-called “marriage.” Rowe is said to be suffering from a common malady known as “stoopid”.

3) The chairman of HOOTERS, Robert Brooks was found dead this morning. No cause of death has been announced, but officals announced that an autopsy will be performed: by a top heavy medical examiner in tight orange shorts. His airline continues to be awesome.

4) Fort Collins, Colorado was named the best place to live in the US this week. The worst place? Crackden, North Dakota.

5) Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley, Sum 41's frontman, were married Saturday afternoon in Montecito, Calif. The two are expected to have very loud, angry, pissed off, tatooed babies.

.6) Jackie Chan has apologized for disrupting a recent concert by a Taiwanese singer-songwriter. Chan climbed on the stage and then exchanged insults with the audience during the July 10 concert. He then apologized for beating up the entire security force as well as most of the audience, saying, “My bad.”

7) A date with Jessica Biel will be up for bid next week to help raise money for a teenager who lost her leg in a prom night limousine accident. In a related story, everything I own is currently for sale.

1) The head of FIFA's referees committee said tournament officials are doing a great job. Angel Maria Vilar, aside from having a girl’s name, is apparently blind and mentally challenged. "We have given marks to the referees and their marks have been high.” And so are the referees.

2) Rapper Lil Kim will be released from prison on July 3rd. "She has accepted responsibility and handled herself in an exemplary manner," said prison officials as well as her new “old lady” Big Betty Sonnifrank.

3) David Hasselhoff had surgery after severing a tendon in his right arm in an accident in a London gym bathroom, his spokeswoman said Friday. The 53-year-old actor was shaving at a gym in the Sanderson Hotel on Thursday when he hit his head on a chandelier, showering his arm with broken glass, according to his publicist. This marks the first time a publicist has used the old “shaving/chandelier” story to cover up acrobatic man love.

4) Rap star Nelly is hosting a party and black-tie event in his home town of St. Louis this week with a guest list that includes Janet Jackson, Usher, Evander Holyfield, and Chingy. Chingy’s publicist assures us that “It’s ok, we don’t actually know who the hell he is either.”

1) Star Jones has left the View! The reason, Barbara Walters told the AP late Tuesday: research showed Reynolds' dramatic weight loss was a turn off to viewers. In other news, new co-host Rosie O’Donnell is expected to sign a new mandatory “I will stay fat because fat is funny” clause before Friday.

2) JK Rowling announced this week that she may very well kill off 2 characters in the final installment of her critically touted “Harry Potter” series. She then bought the island nation of Malta and declared herself High Queen.

3) Israeli troops entered the Gaza Strip this week, where they were quickly awarded a red card and forced to play a man down by the French referee.

1) According to a new study, having several older brothers increases the likelihood of a man being gay. The new study elaborates that the chances are even greater if the older brothers are totally hot, or into showtunes.

2) Kevin Richardson, the oldest member of the Backstreet Boys, is leaving the group. Richardson says he is leaving to pursue other interests. According to sources, the other interests include the AARP, picture books and shiny things. When asked for comment, his older brothers said “See the previous joke.”

3) Nicole Kidman wed country music star Keith Urban this weekend, proving once again that love is blind. And if you have heard his music: I would argue that love is also deaf.

1) A Chinese woman has been charged with accidentally killing her husband with a sword after he refused to make her dinner, the Shanghai Daily said on Tuesday. Police said the woman had often forced her husband of three years at swordpoint to carry out her demands. Note to self: stop dating asian women. Quentin Tarantino has reportedly already signed the woman to a 3 picture deal.

2) Thousands are flocking to an impoverished Indian village to worship a 27 yr old man they believe possesses divine powers because he climbs up trees in seconds, gobbles up bananas and has a "tail." They believe he is an incarnation of the Hindu monkey god Hanuman. Sources say he is regularly rescued from trouble by a Man in a Yellow Hat.

3) According to US Weekly, Angelina Jolie is already planning to adopt again. "They say they definitely plan on adding to their family, but they're likely to adopt the next time around.” Men the world over have already begun sending in applications.

1) Customers craving live lobster will have to look beyond Whole Foods Market Inc. after the natural-foods grocery chain decided Thursday to stop selling them; saying they could not ensure the creatures are treated with respect and compassion. I can only speak for myself: but I drop them into the boiling water with utmost compassion, and I eat their delicious flesh as respectfully as I eat anything I am dipping into melted butter.

2) Lightning killed an entire herd of 70 goats in central Bulgaria Thursday, but their goatherd escaped unharmed, civil defense officials said. Our thoughts are with the lonely goatherd. Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo.

3) Police are investigating Massachusetts outlets of Home Depot Inc. after a shopper found 40 pounds of marijuana in a bathroom cabinet he had bought at the store. “You can smoke it. We can help.” …The Home….De….pot.

1) Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie left Namibia with their newborn daughter and their two older children this weekend, after which the African country immediately fell back into obscurity.

2) A Chinese TV presenter in Hunan issued a public apology after posing topless with two other women in hospital advertisements for women's health after a huge backlash in the media. On the flip side, local teenage boys have sent her a medal.

3) Cambodia's patriarch has told the country’s 40,000 Buddhist monks they must remain passive while watching World Cup soccer games or be defrocked. "They may watch, but if they make noise or cheer as they watch, they will lose their monkhoods.” The 40,000 monks are waiting eagerly for his ruling on sex.

4) Winnie the Pooh has been voted the England’s favorite animal character in a new survey this week. The country’s least favorite animal character?? Camilla Bowles.

5) JK Rowling was voted the greatest living British writer in a survey published Thursday. The worst living writer? 2 year old Anton Cohen, who’s “crayon scribblings” were deemed, “cryptic”, “indecipherable” and “juvenile”.

6) In another new Survey this week, England has voted that they like surveys.

7) Ten cats in search of owners will spend the next 10 days in a New York store window, their every move caught on camera for a reality TV show on which they will compete for best sleeper and best mouse-catcher. In a related story, I will pay 1000 dollars to anyone who lets a boa constrictor loose in same said store window.

8) President Bush assured Iraqis in a surprise visit to Baghdad on Tuesday that the US stands with them and their new government. "It's in our interest that Iraq succeed.” Iraqis responded everywhere by saying, “Why do you think assurances will work here, when they don't in YOUR OWN COUNTRY??”

9) When Esquire asked men who they'd invite from a list of 14 notable women to a dinner party, they chose Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice — over such stars as Julia Roberts, Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson. In a related story, 99 % of Esquire readers are totally gay.

1) A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in a Kiev zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure Monday, according to zoo officials. Apparently, the lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery. A spokesman for God called the man, “just plain stupid” noting, “even God stays out of the lion enclosure.”

2) Officials in one Sydney district have decided to pipe Barry Manilow’s music over loudspeakers in an attempt to rid streets and car parks of hooligans whose anti-social cars and loud music annoy residents and drive customers from businesses. Officials admit that the plan may backfire if any of the hooligans happens to be named Mandy, or if the hooligans are replaced by Barry Manilow fans.

3) A South Korean man upset at not being able to find a job protested his plight by climbing into a zoo pen with a pair of rhinoceroses. The rhinoceroses took his resume, and told him they would call if a position opened up. A spokesman for God called the man, “slightly less of a nutjob than the guy in Kiev.”

4) Youngest brother, Zac Hanson, of the pop group Hanson will marry longtime girlfriend, Kate Tucker this weekend, the group's publicist said. The publicist also stated that, “the oldest brother Issac has grown out of his ‘awkward’ phase, and the middle brother Taylor 'still sounds and looks like a girl'.

1) The NCAA ruled Tuesday that the North Carolina school, Catawba College, can use only the nickname Catawba Indians instead of just Indians. "Although the NCAA executive committee continues to believe the stereotyping of Native Americans is wrong, it recognizes that a Native American tribe is a distinct political community," NCAA senior vice president Bernard Franklin said. "Therefore, we respect the authority of the tribe to permit universities and colleges to use its name and imagery. As well as to make much wampum at their casinos.”

2) Ice Cube, today followed in the footsteps of fellow rappers turned critics Ludacris and 50 Cent, telling FHM magazine that Oprah Winfrey has unfairly kept hip hop artists off her influential show. In future news, all three will “strangely disappear” within a month.

3) More than 3,000 English football hooligans were due to have handed over their passports to police today, as a safety precaution to prevent them travelling to the World Cup in Germany. In a related story, several cricket fans were “pretty darn peeved” when a match started 3 minutes late on Sunday.

4) Today marks Katie Couric's last day as "Today" co-host! She'll be feted in a three-hour special edition stuffed with film clips and performances by Tony Bennett, the cast of the Broadway show "Jersey Boys”, and a colonoscopy machine.

1) Paris Hilton says her upcoming album will be a mix of reggae, pop and hip-hop, with the first single being a reggae song called "Stars Are Blind. And Whoever Gave Me A Record Deal is Deaf."

Hilton will also do a remake of the Rod Stewart song Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?, as well as a remake of his lesser known song, Da Ya Think I'm Slutty?

"I have always had a voice and always known I could sing, but I was too shy to let it come out. I think that is the hardest thing you can do, to sing in front of people. Even more than blowing someone on video!”

2) Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are the proud parents of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, hereafter known as the most beautiful child with the shittiest name.

3) The Himalayan Times reported Friday that a Nepali sherpa stood naked for three minutes in freezing conditions on the 29,035-foot summit of Mount Everest, the world's highest peak. Giving a whole new meaning to the term, blue balls.

4) The search for Jimmy Hoffa continues as…wait a minute – hasn’t he been dead and buried for THREE DECADES? Time for the FBI to put this one in the "no one gives a rats ass file" and stop wasting our tax dollars. So says Brad....

1) Lynyrd Skynyrd frontman Johnny Van Zant had his appendix removed in emergency surgery Thursday night, the band's manager said. And I for one, only just found out that Lynyrd Skynyrd wasn’t one guy.

2) In an informal poll conducted by a Namibian radio station, half of the respondents said they believed the day Angelina Jolie gives birth should be declared a national holiday. In another informal poll conducted by me, 100% of the respondents think half of all Nambians are jackasses.

3) Mortgage finance giant Fannie Mae agreed to pay a $400 million fine after a U.S. probe into its $11 billion accounting scandal blamed management and the board for an "arrogant and unethical" corporate culture that led to massive manipulation of earnings. All of this from a company whose name makes them sound like they make snack cakes.

1) A 10-year-old Florida girl drove off with her guardian's SUV Thursday night, sideswiping several cars, reaching speeds up to 50 mph, before finally jumping a curb and hitting a fire hydrant. Her careless and erratic driving, said Ted Roy, spokesman for the Escambia County Sheriff's Office, made the 10 year old completely indistinguishable from most of the elderly drivers in Florida.

2) Keith Richards has returned to the United States after being treated for a head injury in New Zealand, his publicist said Monday. "He is feeling great, happy to be home and looking forward to getting back to being the lovable drunkard that no one understands.”

3) Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton has joined the portable music player generation. Motown tunes, classical music and the Rolling Stones are all on the playlist on Clinton's iPod, she told the New York Post. The mix includes Aretha Franklin's Respect, the Beatles' Hey Jude and 3 6 Mafia’s It’s Hard Out Here for A Pimp.

1) The beverage industry has agreed to stop selling sodas in schools around the country over the next three years. Schoolchildren everywhere will now have to drive to 7-11 to get something to mix with their rum.

2) Whoopi Goldberg will launch a four-hour daily drive-time show for Clear Channel Radio on July 31. The format will include daily topics, call-ins, music, and Ted Danson in blackface.

3) Magician David Blaine left the hospital Tuesday, where he had been admitted for observation after being submerged in an 8-foot fish bowl with an oxygen mask for a week followed by a 7-minute breath-holding stunt: proving once again, that there is no feat that an insatiable desire for press cannot overcome.

The challenge did take a toll on the magician's body, including liver damage, pins and needles in his feet and hands, some loss of sensation and rashes, as well as making a mess of his normally immaculate goatee.

His medical team and trainer said they would talk in detail about his condition at a news conference later Tuesday, but they were confident he would soon be back at 100% of the cocky asshole he used to be.

Blaine's previous feats included balancing on a 22-inch circular platform atop a 100-foot pole for 35 hours, being buried alive in a see-through coffin for a week, surviving inside a massive block of ice for 61 hours, fasting for 44 days in a suspended acrylic box over the Thames River in London, and dating Madonna.

1) A Philippine judge who claimed he could see into the future and admitted consulting imaginary mystic dwarfs has asked for his job back after being fired by the country's Supreme Court. The Judge stated that he has since fired the three dwarfs, Armand, Luis and Angel, who are now said to be working for Peter Jackson.

2) Al-Qaida conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui escaped the death penalty Wednesday as a jury decided he deserved life in prison instead for his role in the Sept. 11 Plot. "America, you lost……I won." Moussaoui taunted. That’s right - ass monkey – you’ve won a lifetime of anal rape. Enjoy...

3) Jeff Timmons of '90s boy band 98 Degrees has been arrested on charges of drunken driving and driving without a valid license. Authorities said Timmons' eyes were "very glassy" and he told police he had "a lot" to drink, explaining, “I’m 33 and the high point of my life was being in a boy band.” Timmons was immediately released and given a 5th of Jack Daniels.

1) Naomi Campbell is under fire this week from yet another housekeeper, who alleges that the model hit her in the back of the head when she couldn’t locate her jeans. Apparently at the Campbell house, “it’s hard out here for a maid.” Campbell accused her current maid of stealing her jeans, apparently forgetting that no one else on the planet wears size negative 17.

2) Rosie O’Donnell will take over for Meredith Viera as the new co-host of “The View” on ABC. Which now leaves us with :
Annoying,
Crass and Annoying,
Really Annoying,
Fat and Annoying,
and Please bring Lisa Ling back.

3) Tennessee Teacher Pamela Rogers is back in jail, after contacting the 14 yr. old boy she had sex with last year. She apparently sent the 14 yr old nude photos and videos of herself. All we have to say is , Go 14 year old!!!

4) Snoop Dog and 5 members of his entourage were arrested at Heathrow Airport outside of London last week. Strangely, the arrest had nothing at all to do with pot.

5) The british producer of the new spanish language version of the National Anthem is drawing fire from critics everywhere. He claims he sees it as an ode to the millions of immigrants who come here looking for a better life. I think he sees it more as an ode to the millions of dollars he’ll make if 1/10th of those immigrants are gullible enough to buy this piece of $%^*.

6) With the NFL draft over, 43-year-old Doug Flutie is expected to announce this week if he will end a career that included a Heisman Trophy and took him through three pro football leagues. Flutie is also expected to admit that his name sounds like a Muppet.

7) YONKERS, N.Y. - A 62-year-old retired schoolteacher is fighting with a cable company over a hefty bill for porn and gangsta rap programming she says she never ordered. She claims, "I already have a massive porn collection" and "I prefer death meatal over rap."

1) Venezuelan researchers reported on Tuesday that two strains of bacteria are the key to making beans flatulence-free. Finally, a scientist who has really earned his paycheck.

2) An official in Turkey's ruling party has been arrested for chewing gum while laying a wreath at a monument to the country's revered founder Kemal Ataturk. Two other officials are said to be under investigation for farting.

3) World heavyweight boxing champion Vladimir Klitschko said his favourite way to relax is by pressing his shirts. "I love to iron," the 30-year-old Germany-based Ukrainian added. "I've never revealed this before, but the ironing board is the place I relax.” His favorite place to hang out? The closet.

Klitschko also said men should not worry about their looks.
"My grandmother always told me: 'If you're a man, it's enough if you look a little bit better than an ape'. Or at least a gay ape in a freshly pressed shirt.”

4) Teri Hatcher has apparently suffered an injury to her right eye on the "Desperate Housewives" set. The incident happened Tuesday, and sources say the injury stemmed from eye strain from constantly trying to look down her own shirt. A spokesman for Ryan Seacrest said that he and the eye are just friends…

5) A television writer has filed a lawsuit saying Jennifer Lopez and UPN stole his idea for a series based on his move from Brooklyn to Miami and involvement with the modeling and nightclub scenes. In another separate law suit, the writer claims J-Lo stole his idea for having a huge ass. UPN, meanwhile, is just thrilled for the publicity.

1) A controversial television seance airing on Monday will claim it has reached the spirit of John Lennon. Producers say they are hoping to lure an audience that now loves such prime-time network TV shows as "Ghost Whisperer" and "Medium." Unfortunately, they are lacking the most important ingredient, namely, Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts...

2) Rappers LL Cool J and Nas urged financial responsibility at the Hip-Hop Summit on Financial Empowerment in New York last week. Said Nas "We've got to think about our future, think about tomorrow. It's beyond the corner, it's beyond the jails. We've got to think about growing old in this game." Slightly more mature financial opinions from the man who sang, "My money, money, money, my bitch is my money. Ohhh money you my honey. Money is my bitch."

3) Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger on Sunday said that building a 700-mile wall along the Mexican border to deter illegal immigration was foolish. "If I say now, 'Yes, let's build the wall,' what would prevent you from building a tunnel? And then, what would prevent me and a team of well armed commandos from taking out that tunnel with strategically placed explosives and loads of witty banter?" He then chugged a red bull and fondled his busty assistant.