BRAD ALDOUS: Daily Brad

1) Floyd Landis warmed up for his doping arbitration hearing with another swipe at the US Anti-Doping Agency, claiming USADA offered him a short sentence if he provided incriminating evidence against Lance Armstrong. That, or naked photos of Sheryl Crow.

2) Worried Congress' support for Iraq is deteriorating rapidly, Baghdad dispatched senior officials to Capitol Hill this week to warn members one-on-one that pulling out U.S. troops would have disastrous consequences. And by disastrous consequences, they mean, they'd lose their meal ticket. To the tune of billions of dollars.

3) Sheryl Crow adopted a baby boy today. This after my numerous offers to help her grow one the old fashioned way.

4) Former astronaut Lisa Nowak waited nearly an hour at the airport for the romantic rival she is accused of attacking, donning a trenchcoat as the woman looked for her bags, a video released Friday shows. In a related story, are we really still talking about this?

5) Pope Benedict XVI urged tens of thousands of young Catholics packing a soccer stadium in Brazil Thursday to resist the temptations of wealth, power and other "snares of evil," and told them to promote life from "its beginning to natural end." The young brazilians in turn vowed to especially promote the "very beginning", and even more so during "Carnivale" or when they are "very drunk."

6) FInally, USA Today has announced that Katrina has dropped in popularity as a baby name. The paper reports that this has less to do with the catastrophe of Hurricane Katrina, and more to do the fact that most Katrina's are "total bitches."

1) According to a new study, as modern humans spread across Europe tens of thousands of years ago, they may have interbred with Neanderthals, creating hybrids. The study cites ancient human bones, cave paintings, and Daniel Baldwin.

2) Paris Hilton will spend 45 days in jail, beginning June 5. This marks the first time in history when people in jail have been more afraid of what they might catch from an incoming prisoner as supposed to vice versa.

3) Queen Elizabeth attended the Kentucky Derby yesterday. Prince Charles and his wife were conspicuously absent, as Charles feared someone might try and put a saddle on Camilla.

1) When 95-year-old Nola Ochs graduates next month, she will be the world's oldest college graduate. On Thursday, the Kansas Legislature honored Ochs with praise and standing ovations. Later that afternoon, SIgma Phi honored Ochs with keg stands, Strip Thumper, and jello wrestling.

2) The former director of a whaling museum and an antiques dealer pleaded guilty Thursday to illegally importing hundreds of sperm whale teeth from England and selling them to U.S. merchants. Displeased by this news? Jimmy Chang's Sperm Whale Denture Outlet in Brighton.

3) An Indian court ordered the arrest of Richard Gere thursday for kissing Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty at an AIDS campaign event, saying it was an obscene act committed in public. India recently ordered the arrest of Kirstie Alley, on the same charges, for wearing a bathing suit.

4) The rising popularity of text messaging poses a threat to writing standards among schoolchildren, an education commission says. "Text messaging, with its use of phonetic spelling and little or no punctuation, seems to pose a threat to traditional conventions in writing." A spokesman for schoolchildren responded with "u r fubar. lol. brb, sucka."

5) During an interview with 60 minutes, former CIA head George Tenet also defended the CIA's "high-value detainee" program, under which targets in the war on terrorism are interrogated at secret locations using "enhanced interrogation techniques." Tenet defined "enhanced interrogation techniques" as "cleverly verbally camouflaged torture."

1) U.S. hip-hop executive Russell Simmons on Monday recommended that the recording and broadcast industries voluntarily remove/bleep/delete the "misogynistic" words 'bitch' and 'ho' and the racially offensive word 'nigger'. When pressed, Simmons admitted no problem with "nigga", "whore" and "beeyotch," calling them "more pleasing to the ear" though "more difficult to rhyme."

2) An Indian state has ordered the wardens of a national wildlife park to shoot poachers of endangered one-horned rhinos on sight, officials said Monday. The warden has also ordered the rhinos to "try and be inconspicuous" and "at least try and run away.."

3) Blowing his nose and wiping away tears, the multimillionaire founder of the "Girls Gone Wild" video empire pleaded guilty to contempt of court Monday and was sentenced to 35 days in jail. Joe Francis will spend those 35 days with his new cel mate, and star of his next film, "Bubba Gone WIld."

4) Germany's celebrity polar bear cub Knut has received an anonymous death threat, causing alarm at Berlin Zoo on Thursday and prompting heightened security. Top-selling Bild newspaper said the zoo had received a hand-written fax with the words: "Knut is dead! Thursday midday." Investigators are centering their investigation on the Zoo's former celebrity baby, Dolph the Panda.

5) An explosion set fire to a Miami house being used to grow marijuana hydroponically on Wednesday and the force of the blast sent the occupant flying into the yard, police said. When asked for comment, the occupant responded, "Dude! That was Crazeeee! Does anyone have any corn chips?"

1) Hawaiian crooner Don Ho died this morning. Don Imus has refused comment.

2) Kate Middleton and Prince William have ended their four-year relationship. The Sun newspaper reported the breakup Saturday, saying the couple had reached an "amicable agreement" to separate. Inside sources cite Miss Middleton as objecting to the prince's newly appointed "royal fluffer."

3) Michael Jordan's split last December from his wife of 17 years, Juanita, is No. 1 on Forbes.com's list of "The 10 Most Expensive Celebrity Divorces." According to Forbes, Juanita should received somewhere in the vicinity of a "gajillion" dollars, as well as several pairs of sneakers, and Scotty Pippin.

4) Steel and coal from the Titanic have been transformed into a new line of luxury wristwatches by Geneva watchmaker Romain Jerome SA. The watches were offered for sale for the first time in Basel for between $7,800 and $173,100. And for $173,100, we hope that a ghost of one of the passengers comes out of the watch and tells you the time.

5) Two fans have asked Florida to pardon rock bad-boy Jim Morrison, who was convicted of exposing himself during a Miami concert nearly 40 years ago. The two men, Kerry Humpherys of Utah and David Diamond of Ohio, sent a letter to Florida Gov. Charlie Crist last month asking him to issue a full pardon to Morrison. "I'm a big Doors fan. It was all trumped up and he shouldn't have this hanging over him." A stamp. 39 cents. Pen and Paper. $2.75. Having so much free time that you try to get a pardon for a junkie who's been dead for 36 years? Priceless. There are some things that money cant buy. Like a life. Kerry and David? You're dumb.

Dear iTunes:

I signed in to the iTunes store a while back to check out the Celebrity playlists, as I am occasionally known to do. I, like you, am obsessed with celebrities and music, so when the two see fit to make out, I’ll be there. When I arrived, I was greeted by the photo of someone I have never, EVER seen before, and a name which meant even less. After some exhausting research (a google search), I found out that the tool that iTunes was trying to hoist on me as a celebrity is a defenseman for the Calgary Flames. That’s a hockey team, in case you, like I, don’t give a flying crap. His name is Andrew Ferrance. And while I have nothing against him personally, dear Andrew is about as much a celebrity as the dog excrement I stepped into on 9th avenue yesterday on the way to lunch at the Westway. I’ve seen pro hockey games live, I used to collect the trading cards, and I even know the names of some hall of famers and a few current players. But first of all, a defenseman?? And second, a Canadian? Jesus, iTunes! The depths to which you have sunk. There are so so many celebrity whores out there just drooling for publicity, you can’t tell me that you couldn’t find someone better than this kid, who, by the way, included neither Stevie Wonder or Tom Waits or Elvis Costello on his list. And every person who isn’t mentally challenged (and even most of them) know that you have to include at least one of them, better two. (see Five For Fighting, Liz Phair, Sergio Mendes) Even Alanis Morisette knows this (and she is most certainly retarded as I hear she is dating Ryan Reynolds). Anyway. In response I am putting up my own celebrity playlist, so buy em, and just listen and love me even more than you suckers already do.
Smooches, B


Brad Aldous’s Playlist
Release Date: April 11, 2007
Total: 10 songs
$11.88


“Close to You” (Track 1): “Maxi Priest may have been a major one hit wonder, AND looked like a wanna be Milli Vanilli, but what a great song by which to do it. The bass line is just perfect for a sweaty afternoon romp.

”Mahna Mahna” (Track 2) “ Perhaps the penultimate song of my childhood, Mahna Mahna and the two Snowths know how to kick it old school. I’m pretty sure they would kick Eminem’s ass in a rap battle. And all they would have to say is,”Mahna mahna…............ ..bitch.”

“Rock With You” (Track 3) “This was my first 45, and I am sure that I was dancing my parachute pants off on the pool table… that filled the basement where the record player was. MJ may be a freak, and a whack job, and a pedophile, and have a friend who‘s a monkey, but back when he was little – Freaky McWeirdo could kick it!

“Killing in the Name“ (Track 4) “Sometimes, a brother just needs to destroy shit...and Rage Against the Machine knows that when I choose to smash my apartment to bits, I like to do it to a funky ass beat.

“Delta Dawn“ (Track 5) “This was the first song I ever learned by heart, and according to my female parental unit, I sang it at the top of my lungs with “Gusto“…her words. "What’s that flower you got on?" Indeed, temptress Helen Reddy, indeed..

“Pink Gardenia“ (Track 6) “I used to play this song twice in a row on my early morning college radio show just to see if anyone would call in and complain. The song conists of the title being spoken, and then about 25 seconds of CRAZEE guitar wailing by the Flat Duo Jets. Then they do it again. Then they do it once more. Awesome!!

“Big Booty Hoes“ (Track 7) „“Cause I likes em, yo, you know what I‘m sayin…? Nobody tells it like it is like Biggie…

“Love In Vain“ (Track 8) The story of my ever loving life. Steve Tannen wrote this gospel and the lord said....“Word.“

“Do What You Gotta Do“ (Track 9) Greg Tannen writes some smooth ass tunes, and this one is especially kick ass. The bass solo is wicked.

“The Fox“ (Track 10) When I am getting ready for an evening on the town, as I am known to do, I like to get my energy up, so I put on a little Nickel Creek, and this diddy is like lighting a fire under your own a**. Try and not dance while this is playing, oh I know you can't, because it's IMPOSSIBLE.

"I Believe" (Track 11) Stevie Wonder is my favorite musician of all time. Also, the Calgary Flames can bite me.

"The Heart of a Saturday Night" (Track 12) While I honestly enjoy the Shawn Colvin version better than Mr. Waits, he still wrote it. And he's awesome. And so am I.

Hope you enjoyed my 1st Playlist.
If you see iTunes, please kick them in the crotch. Hockey players....dag.

1) According to a royal spokesman, Queen Elizabeth II has hired a team of consultants to carry out the first-ever audit of carbon emissions from her three official residences. The spokeswoman said that the royal household had been "taking environmental measures" for over 10 years, including the well known policy of, “if it’s yellow: let it mellow.”
2) A freelance videographer walked out of federal prison Tuesday after spending more time behind bars than any other journalist for refusing to testify to a grand jury. "Joshua Wolf has complied with the grand jury subpoena," prosecutor Jeffrey Finigan said in court papers filed Tuesday. Mr Wolf’s lawyer says Josh left prison with, “a firm resolve, washboard abs, and a new girlfriend named Andre.”
3) Lucky and Flo, two Malaysian black Labradors, sniffed out at least 150,000 pirated DVD’s in a secret compartment in a shop in the capital city of Kuala Lumpur on Saturday. Unfortunately, the bulk of the movies were copies of “Benji: Off the Leash”, “The Adventures of Milo and Otis”, and “Beethoven”.
4) Also in Kuala Lampur, Malaysian marine police seized a trawler carrying about 220 rare sea turtles and arrested 17 Chinese men for poaching, their second such seizure this week, a police chief said Thursday. It wasn’t a difficult arrest, said a source in the police department, as the boat carrying the turtles was going very, very slowly.
5) Former Spice Girl Melanie Brown gave birth to a daughter in California on Tuesday. Brown has announced that the father is her ex, Eddie Murphy. Murphy so far has denied the claim, saying they broke up because he was annoyed at her constant yammering in bed to “tell me what you want what you really really want.”

1) A 12-year-old boy who has collected more than 150 vacuum cleaners says he is learning to identify them by sound. "I'm getting pretty good at it," Kyle Krichbaum told the Detroit Free Press. "When I was really little I would always follow my parents around when they were vacuuming," he said. A source close to the family say Kyle gets beaten up alot.
2) Two U.S. evangelical groups whose leaders have disagreed over other issues, are both supporting a campaign against modern slavery. While the leaders were unavailable for comment, an illegal immigrant working as a maid for one of them said, “Que?” Abraham Lincoln would be so proud.
3) France rejected a ban on skinny models this week. The head of the French fashion federation had said in January that Paris would not take extra measures to ban ultra-thin models from catwalks because rules on their health were strict enough. Chanel designer Karl Lagerfeld defended his models last year. "They have skinny bones," he said. “Skinny, little anorexic bones.”
4) Iranian state radio reported that all 15 British sailors and marines held captive by Iran have confessed to illegally entering Iranian waters. They then reported that all 15 British sailors have also confessed that Iran is “awesome”, being Muslim is “really cool”, and finally that Perspolis Tehran Football Club is “way better than Manchester United.”
5) A defiant President Bush warned Democrats to accept his offer to have top aides speak about the firings of federal prosecutors only privately and not under oath, or risk a constitutional showdown from which he would not back down. The president elaborated, “This way, Cheney says they can lie all they want, and we can’t get in trouble! Oh wait, I wasn’t supposed to say that. Dangnamit!”

1) After four years of intensive collaboration, 18 top mathematicians and computer scientists from the United States and Europe have successfully mapped E8, one of the largest and most complicated structures in mathematics, scientists said late Sunday. In a related story, no one really cares.

2) A cat named Piper in Summerville, SC survived a fall of about 80 feet last week. Next up, 95 feet.

3) U.S. prosecutors charged a California man Monday with stealing fine wine he stored for upscale clients and then burning down a warehouse holding 6 million bottles worth $200 million to $250 million to hide the scam. Winos everywhere are calling for the death penalty.

4) U.S. restaurant chain Hooters, known for waitresses in low-cut blouses and orange short shorts, will open its first branch in Israel this summer, in the Mediterranean seaside city of Tel Aviv. Mark my words: This is the beginning of peace in the middle east.

5) Border guards in Kazakhstan have arrested a man for trying to smuggle a home-made grenade in a pot of honey, local media reported on Friday. Last week the same man was arrested trying to smuggle a similar grenade in a pot of vinegar.

6) Chelsea Soccer Club warned their fans on Friday against throwing celery during matches, saying it was a criminal offence and that anyone caught lobbing the popular salad vegetable could be banned. "In future, if anyone is found attempting to bring celery into Stamford Bridge they could be refused entry and anyone caught throwing celery can be arrested. A spokesman from the London Celery Research Advisory Board stated, “It’s a total waste. You get a much better throw with tomoatoes.

7) Spanish matador Fernando Cruz’s chances of fatherhood have been lessened after the second bull of Tuesday's corrida caught him in the upper thigh, throwing him into the air, and gored him in the groin once he hit the ground. The bull’s chances of fatherhood have been lessened by the fact that he was stabbed repeatedly with swords.

8) South Korean carmakers plan to cut down on the number of scantily clad models at the Seoul Motor Show hoping people will look at the cars instead. In future news, this will be the worst attended motor show ever.

9) Martha Stewart has selected a meal for software mogul Charles Simonyi to take with him to the International Space Station on April 7. The meal features quail roasted in Madrian wine, duck breast with capers, shredded chicken parmentier, apple fondant pieces, rice pudding with candied fruit and semolina cake with dried apricots. Then, the mogul will experience not only the beauty of outer space, but what it’s like to have weightless diahrrea.

(special thanks to guest contributor of the week, "The Weepies!")

1) Heather Mills, estranged wife of Paul McCartney has joined the next group of celebrities who will strut their stuff on the ABC television hit "Dancing with the Stars." A spokesman for the show says Ms. Mills is hoping that one of the dances on the show will be the Lindy Hop.

Representatives for Ms. Mills say that she is indeed excited about the show and has been at home practicing the hokey pokey... "You put your left leg in, you take your left leg off... "

3) The CEO for Jet Blue announced Wed. that the recent shutdowns at JFK airport in NYC were "a BIG wake-up call for us." Unfortunately for all of the guests, the wake up call came about 6 hours late...

4) Two clowns were shot and killed by an unidentified gunman during their performance at a traveling circus in the eastern Colombian town of Cucuta, police said Wednesday. In a related story, I am never going to Colombia.

5) Chilean police arrested an Argentine woman allegedly trying to smuggle cocaine to Spain hidden in alfajores: chocolate-coated cookies. Asked how they discovered the cocaine, one very exicted police official said, "Those were the best cookies EVER!"

6) Israeli police investigating why a car was blocking traffic in the fast lane of a major highway Sunday found a couple inside having sex.
A patrolman gave the woman a ticket for holding up traffic. But not before he gave the man a high-five.

1) Brandy was involved in a fatal, four-car accident on a Los Angeles freeway last month, police said on Wednesday. The case is unusual, as the cause of such accidents is usually Tequila.

2) Norah Jones new CD, “Not Too Late” hits stores this week. And by hits stores, we mean, immediately lulls them to sleep.

3) Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro was euthanized on Monday. In a related story, Chinese food in Lexington, KY is delicious this week.

4) Miss USA Tara Conner, who nearly lost her crown for hard-partying in New York nightclubs, says in the upcoming issue of People magazine that her recent stint in rehab was a wake-up call. "I was an equality-opportunity (user) — I would try anything once," said Conner, adding, “especially if that anything could be snorted off of a strippers' breasts.”

1) In Khazakhstan today, border guards arrested a man trying to smuggle 500 parrots in his Audi from neighboring Uzbekistan. Guards grew suspicious when they discovered the car before his completely filled with crackers.

2) The department of Justice just got wilder! The founder of the "Girls Gone Wild" videos was sentenced Monday to two years probation and 200 hours of community service for violating federal laws designed to prevent the sexual exploitation of minors. In response, Joe Francis stated, “I’m dating Lindsay Lohan, and girls take their tops off for me and I make money. You could send me to Guantanamo and I’m still gonna have a smile on my face.”

3) The world's first rhino conceived by artificial insemination has been born at Budapest Zoo, officials said in a statement on Wednesday. This “test tube rhino” is proof to many that human beings have way, way too much time on our hands.

4) The Christian right is going batty over a new film, Houndog, that includes a scene where Dakota Fanning, age 12, is raped. The film's most vocal critic has been Catholic League president William Donohue, who put out a press release Friday asking the Dept. of Justice to investigate.

Donahue said he knows he could watch a DVD copy of the film, but he said he's not interested: "If someone tells me that there's a statue of Martin Luther King with an erection receiving oral sex, I don't need to see it. Because I already own one.”

5) A San Francisco-area pastor who pleaded guilty to helping smuggle young leopard sharks from California to aquariums in Europe and the United States has been sentenced to a year and a day in prison. His lenient sentencing came about after the pastor pleaded, “Hey, at least I’m not buggering altar boys.”

1) Leonardo DiCaprio announced this week that he considered giving up acting for a time after the hit movie Titanic. In a related story, around that same time, I considered giving up going to the movies.

2) Gisele Bundchen has entered Brazil's growing debate over anorexia, saying families are to blame — not the fashion industry. “Fashion doesn’t kill people, parents do. And also guns, or sometimes lightning… aren’t I pretty??”

3) Oprah Winfrey says in the February issue of her magazine that when a relative told the National Enquirer that Winfrey became pregnant at 14 and lost the baby after birth, she cried for three days. And then she used 1000 dollar bills to wipe her tears, and sent the “Oprah Force” out to “disappear” the relative.

4) AMSTERDAM - Terrie Berenden, a pet shop owner in the southern Dutch town of Zelhem, has created a beer for her Weimaraners made from beef extract and malt. "Once a year we go to Austria to hunt with our dogs, and at the end of the day we sit on the verandah and drink a beer. So we thought, my dog also has earned it," she said. Berenden is said to be working next on a line of “pot” puppy biscuits, as well as “canine coke” for when your pooch needs that little pick me up.

1) The son of "The Big Bopper" has hired a forensic anthropologist to try to answer questions about how his father died in the 1959 plane crash that also took the lives of famous early rock `n' rollers Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens. Sources say the son is miffed that the only current tribute to his father is ice cream between two chocolate chip cookies….

2) In an unusual strategy for a Super Bowl advertiser, Nationwide Mutual Insurance on Wednesday will announce the surprise ending of its ad in the game: Kevin Federline will be dreaming of a show-biz career — while actually working at a rundown fast-food joint. "I felt that it was a good time to come out and make fun of myself," says Federline, 28, “ that and, I actually work at a rundown fast-food joint.”

3) Each year, wealthy Austrian businessman Richard Lugner invites a celebrity to be his guest at Vienna's exclusive Opera Ball. This year, Lugner and his wife will be accompanied by Paris Hilton. Sources say getting tickets for the event, which is broadcast live on national television, is extremely hard. Unlike Paris, who all sources say is extremely easy.

4) Lindsay Lohan has checked into rehab. "I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health. I appreciate your well wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time," said The 20-year-old actress in a statement issued Wednesday written on the side of a Jim Beam bottle. AA meetings just got a whole lot hotter…

1) Richard Gere joined 10,000 Indian prostitutes in Mumbai yesterday in what he called, “the most awesome day ever.” He was there to recognize many for their work on HIV/AIDS intervention programs, chanting “No condom. No sex!” Adding later, “I have personally tested many of these women, and it’s true, without a condom, you just get a mediocre happy ending.”

2) Fashion house Dolce and Gabana has been criticized in Great Britain for a series of ads that depict models with knives and gaping wounds. Most have passed the blame to new D&G creative director, OJ Simpson.

3) American Idol is coming to New York on January 24th to look for new talent for this years show, in what locals are calling the “biggest line up of losers since the Star Wars premiere.” Bridge and Tunnel plus show tunes equals ear pain...

4) The feud between Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump continues, in what sources are calling “ Fat Vs. Dumber.” In a related story, The Donald’s daughter Ivanka was blown away today in a strong wind.

1) The 118th Rose Parade feted George Lucas on Monday with 200 stormtroopers, Ewoks swinging in trees and the Oakridge Boys. Yes, the Oakridge Boys.

Augie Lopez, 41, said she enjoyed aspects that could only be captured in person. Those included volunteers scurrying to scoop up horse poop, flowers falling off the floats, and the crazy bearded Oak Ridge Boy cooking Wicket the Ewok on a spit.

2) A spokesman for Kate Moss denied Tuesday reports the supermodel and rocker Pete Doherty had tied the knot during a candlelit Buddhist ceremony in Thailand on New Year's Day. The spokesman clarified that the “candle-lit ceremony” was actually “dinner”, acknowledging that it was a rarity to find Ms. Moss anywhere near “food.”

3) Johannesburg, South Africa — Oprah Winfrey opened a school Tuesday for disadvantaged girls, giving more than 150 students a chance for a better future, and to be screamed at by Dr. Phil.

"I wanted to give this opportunity to girls who had a light so bright that not even poverty could dim that light," Winfrey said at a news conference. She added, “I built this school, I’m not a fool, and I’m off to swim in my lap pool.” Jesse Jackson and Dr. Seuss were unavailable for comment.

4) California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger broke his right thigh bone last weekend while skiing in Sun Valley, Idaho. In a 90-minute operation Tuesday, doctors at St. John's Health Center used screws and cables to link the broken fragments of the bone to the core of his robot frame. A spokesman for the governor announced, “We’re confident that he will be back on his feet and just as incomprehensible by next week.”

5) Federal officials say it was probably just some weird weather phenomenon, but a group of United Airlines employees swear they saw a mysterious, saucer-shaped craft hovering over O'Hare Airport in Chicago last fall. A spokesman for the FAA dismissed the sighting as “yet another case of Stedman f#*&ing around on his hovercraft.”

1) America is ready to elect a black president, says Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. Then she exhaled…then she laughed…

The nation's highest-ranking black government official, Rice has said repeatedly she will not run for president despite high popularity ratings and measurable support in opinion polls. And by high popularity and measurable support, we mean she has a funny name that people recognize. Condoleeza. God Bless You!

The top U.S. diplomat also said Iraq is "worth the investment" in American lives and dollars. She said the United States can win in Iraq, although the war so far has been longer and more difficult than she had expected. “We were thinking more Grenada than Vietnam, and by win, I mean leave. Not bring peace, because let’s face it – those Allah freaks are cra-zeeee!

"I know from the point of view of not just the monetary cost but the sacrifice of American lives, a lot has been sacrificed for Iraq, a lot has been invested in Iraq," Rice said. “And if we admit now that we made a grave error, I’m gonna look really realllly bad…and that’s just not gonna happen.”

2) Hundreds have been killed in recent clashes between Somalia's Islamic militia and the country's secular government, officials said Friday. In response, the United Nations issued a call for peace in Somalia. They then issued a call for pizza from Rome delivered by canoe. Experts assure us the pizza will arrive first.

3) A Japanese research team has succeeded in filming a giant squid live, possibly for the first time, and says the elusive creatures may be more plentiful than previously believed. A spokesman for the International Calamari Association said simply, “Awesome!”

4) Miss Nevada USA was stripped of her title Thursday after racy photos of her appeared on the Internet, according to officials. Some of the photos show Katie Rees, 22, kissing other young women, exposing one of her breasts and pulling down her pants to show her thong underwear at a party in Tampa. Anyone in possession of said photographs is asked to mail them to moderator@bradaldous.com, so we can do an accurate and fair joke on the subject. Here at bradaldous.com - We’re all about conscientious journalism.....And thongs.

1) Paris Hilton, 2005's "worst worst dog owner" winner, placed second this year, for "treating her dogs like accessories," the magazines said. Hilton responded, “That’s ludicrous. I never once kept my lipstick inside my dog.”

In a related story, I am calling for immediate sterilization of anyone who votes in an online poll for a dog magazine.

2) Lettuce was the most likely source of an outbreak of E. coli linked to a Taco Bell in New Jersey, federal health officials said Wednesday. Investigators had considered cheddar cheese and ground beef as well, finally stating, “The lettuce’s story kept changing, it was defensive, and it totally avoided eye contact. We’re confident we’ve got the right ingredient."

They said Taco Bell's menu, which offers various combinations of the same ingredients, made it difficult to pinpoint the source of the contamination. Most clues, however, led directly to the new E.colupa Supreme.

1) WASHINGTON - Unable to win Senate confirmation, U.N. Ambassador Bolton will step down when his temporary appointment expires within weeks, the White House said Monday. Inside sources say that Bolton's nomination has languished in the Senate Foreign Relations Committee for more than a year, blocked by Democrats and several Republicans, because many feel he “needs a haircut” and “his songs are trite and crappy.”

2) NEW YORK - Shares of Pfizer Inc., the world's largest drugmaker, sank Monday on news that the company had halted development of a key new cholesterol treatment, torcetrapib.That’s right, torcetrapib. In a related story, Pfizer has fired everyone in the “drug naming” department.

1) Ban Ki-moon started a six-week transition on Thursday for his new job as U.N. secretary-general, saying he plans to meet candidates for top jobs and hold wide-ranging talks with ambassadors and U.N. officials. He then plans to replace the entire cabinet with other Pokemon.

2) US magician David Blaine will try to escape from shackles after spending two days in a spinning gyroscope suspended above New York next week. To avoid any problematic calls of nature, the 33-year-old will not eat or drink for as long as it takes to empty his system. And to avoid any problematic arousal, the 33-year old will not look in any mirrors or at photos of himself.

3) Miss Israel has been given permission not to carry her assault rifle during service in the Israeli army because she says it bruises her legs. Reigning beauty queen Yael Nezri, a private who recently completed basic training, said the bruises were making it difficult for her to model in photo shoots. “Instead of fixating on my breasts, now everyone looks at my bruises. Hello! I’m up here!!”

1) LONDON (AFP) - In a special edition of The Observer newspaper's Music Monthly Magazine, Elton John shared his views on subjects ranging from being a music icon to the Iraq war to religion. "I think religion has always tried to turn hatred towards gay people. From my point of view, I would ban religion completely," he was quoted as saying. The pope responded “and I would ban that cheesy ass remake of Candle in the Wind. Touche fatty!”

2) Mel Gibson’s newest film “Apocolypto” come to theatres in December. The actor-director said he especially enjoyed making the epic history of the fall of the Mayan empire “Because there weren’t Jews then.”

3) STOCKHOLM (Reuters) - Two drunken elk are terrorizing children at a school in southern Sweden. Elk can weigh as much as 1,100 lb and personnel at the school described the erratic males as "completely mad". "The children are really scared," according to the receptionist at the school. She said police had contacted hunters and that if they did not calm down, they could be shot. They are also considering shooting the elk.

4) BEIJING (Reuters) - A man in southern China has applied to register a line of women's sanitary products under the name of Chinese basketball star Yao Ming, state media said on Friday.
Yao is one of China's best known and highest paid sportsmen. The 7ft-5in centre plays with the Houston Rockets in the NBA. This follows the registry of Dikembe Mutumbo adult diapers, Shaquille O’Neal hemmorhoid crème, and Manute Bol dental dams.

5) RACAS, Venezuela - President Hugo Chavez welcomed Colombian pop singer Shakira to his country on Saturday and said he may go undercover to watch the hip-shaking superstar perform. Chavez said that the other day he'd put on a wig and not even his bodyguards had been able to recognize him. "Maybe I'll put on a wig and go see Shakira," he quipped. In his bodyguards defense, it’s likely more the dress, heels, and whorish drag queen make up that threw them off.

1) LOS ANGELES - Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe, who started the year on an Oscar-winning high, are ending it on a low note: The couple have separated. Young men across the country are now on a quest to find out if Reese is indeed legally blonde.

2) CHICAGO - Oprah Winfrey this week gave her audience what she called the "gift of giving back." She was not referring to STD’s. In a show that aired Monday, Winfrey gave more than 300 audience members $1,000 debit cards. People can give the entire sum to one person — relatives aren't eligible — or they can split it among charitable causes. "You're going to open your hearts, you're going to be really creative, and you're going to spend it all at once on one stranger or spend a dollar on every person," Winfrey said. "Imagine the love and kindness you can spread with $1,000." Audience reactions ranged from “Awesome!” to “What bullshit!” to “Can I give it to my dealer? In exchange for weed?”

3) BEIJING- Two Chinese families are suing a hospital 15 years after they took home the wrong newborn babies, state media reported Tuesday. A couple surnamed Lu, who gave birth at a hospital in Nanning in 1991, suspected that the boy was not her biological son after a test in 2004 showed their blood types were incompatible. Hospital spokesman Xiu Nang Di responded, “C’mon – you all look the same! Honest mistake! Brown rice or white rice?”

4) Kevin Federline. Do I really need a punchline? Popo You’re an idiot. And the gravy train has come to an end….

5) LAS VEGAS - A court has upheld a Las Vegas city regulation barring erotic dancers from raunchy physical contact with their customers. No word on how this will affect the legalized prostitution..?

6) Two unsuspecting fraternity boys want to make lawsuit against Borat over their drunken appearance in the hit movie. The young men "engaged in behavior that they otherwise would not have engaged in," the lawsuit says.

The film "made plaintiffs the object of ridicule, humiliation, mental anguish and emotional and physical distress, loss of reputation, goodwill and standing in the community," the lawsuit said. Funny, I thought that was what FRATERNITIES WERE FOR!!!!

1) BLANTYRE, Malawi - A Malawian man who gave up his 13-month-old son to be adopted by Madonna said Sunday he had not realized he was signing away custody "for good." He also said he had not realized that his 15 minutes of fame was “almost up” and plans to stretch it for as long as reporters keep coming by and giving him sandwiches.

Banda said he was illiterate and so had no idea of the significance of the adoption papers he signed in the High Court in the capital, Lilongwe. He also claims he has no idea of the significance of the 6 figure tell all book deal (which will be ghostwritten) entitled, “Madonna Ate my Baby!”

2) WASHINGTON - Majorities of Iraqi youth in Arab regions of the country believe security would improve and violence decrease if the U.S.-led forces left immediately, according to a State Department poll. Experts also believe that violence would decrease if burkhas were outlawed, and mosques installed stripper poles.

3) TACOMA, Wash. - A man accused of having sex with the family dog has been charged under the state's new animal cruelty law, which makes bestiality a felony, a prosecutor said.

Michael Patrick McPhail, 26, pleaded not guilty Thursday to one count of first-degree animal cruelty. He claims that “the bitch totally asked for it,” and bemoans “what the hell am I supposed to do with 600 dollars worth of doggy lingerie??”

4) MOSCOW (Reuters) - A Russian region has ordered an inquiry into a report that hunt organizers, keen to make the King of Spain's chances of killing a bear easier, provided a tame one drunk on vodka. The Queen of Spain called the bear “lucky” further stating, “he got me the same exact way…only I have to sleep with the jackass.”

5) KAZAKHSTAN (Reuters) - The Kazakhstan central bank has misspelled the word "bank" on its new notes, officials said on Wednesday. "The mistake ... is not just a spelling problem -- it has political undertones," said a letter from members of parliament to the President. The letter continued, “We urje yu to tell the Nationel Banke knot too poot out the noates with a misstaak in the Kazakh lenguaje."

The Kazakh word for bank is the Cyrillic form of "bank." On the new note, the word was written with an alternate Kazakh form of the letter B, which has a slightly different pronunciation, specifically Sp.

6) BEIJING (Reuters) - Two middle school girls were sent to hospital on Friday in northwestern Shaanxi province suffering from vomiting and dizziness after their teacher forced them to split a bottle of baijiu -- a powerful grain-based alcohol, as punishment for neglecting their studies. The newest enrollee in the Chinese middle school? Ted Kennedy.

7) Next summer, 17-year-old Daniel Radcliffe (known to the world as Harry Potter) will take to a London stage in the Tony Award-winning drama Equus. Even performing nude during one scene, according to a report in Newsweek. He hopes that the role will show his range, make audiences see him differently, and help him finally get Hermione in the sack.

(Special thanks this week (for several punchlines) to Watson "Flounder" Kawecki!!!)

1) BILOXI, Miss. - Leann Real promised her husband, an avid sports fan, that if they ever had a son he'd get to pick the name. ESPN Montana Real was born this week. Leann plans to have a girl next, which her husband has already named SPICE.

2) BERLIN - A plastic surgeon who was cheated out of payment by several women, has given pictures of their newly enlarged breasts to police, in the hope the photos will help trace them. The entire police forces of Germany, Austria and volunteers from around the globe are on the case. And I plan to keep an eye out for them on this side of the pond...

3) NEW YORK (Reuters) - Bidders, at least one them costumed, paid top dollar for Star Trek items on Thursday at the start of Christie's auction of memorabilia from the seminal television and movie franchise. Enterprise Captain Jean-Luc Picard's chair sold for more than $ 62,000, and now the 34 year old buyer only needs to find room for it in his apartment, in mom’s basement.

4) SYDNEY (Reuters) - An Australian conman who wanted to be a fireman stopped at traffic accidents to offer help and even stole a fire truck so he could impress his girlfriend, who thought he was a fireman. The man’s lawyer said his client wanted psychiatric treatment because he had a "burning desire to overcome his disorder.” And an even stronger desire to put out his burning desire with a fire extinguisher.

5) 16-year-old actress, Keisha Castle-Hughes, who was nominated for a best-actress Oscar for her role in 2002's Whale Rider, is expecting a baby in the spring. Which confirms rumours she has been riding more than Whales…

6) Sienna Miller, who disparaged Pittsburgh in a magazine interview, apologized on Friday, saying her remarks were taken out of context and that she found the city and residents gracious. She added, “when I called it “Shittsburgh”, I meant it in a nice way, like, this town is…. the..shit.” In a related story, during the time you read this clip, Jude Law slept with two more nannys.

7) Reuters reported last week that the rumors of his death may encourage Osama Bin Laden to make another video just to prove everyone wrong. In a related story, hopeful teenage boys and college jocks everywhere are spreading word of another celebrity death, Paris Hilton. (thanks to Dale Peterson…)

1) Astronaut Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper joined an elite club of spacewalkers this week, becoming one of 7 women to have ever participated in a spacewalk. A major reason for the lack of female spacewalkers is the spacesuit, which isn't designed for small sizes, said the 5’10” Piper. Another reason for the lack of female spacewalkers is because they usually have a headache.

2) Dozens of children fainted Thursday, apparently because of mass hysteria, after school authorities in Nepal killed a snake, considered as sacred by many Hindus. A similar incident occurred last year when children in Nepal discovered there was no such thing as Dalai Lama Claus.

3) A Vietnamese man who once appeared on national television to demonstrate his ability to resist electric shocks has been electrocuted while repairing a generator, an official said Tuesday. In a related story, Paris Hilton’s celibacy has been hit by lightning.

4) Four prisoners in an El Salvador jail hid cell phones, a phone charger and spare chips in their bowels so they could coordinate crimes from their cells, according to prison officials. The phones were discovered when one of the prisoners began farting the 1812 Overture.

5) Greenpeace called on the EU today to ban the use of chemical plastic softeners in sex toys because they contained dangerous substances known as phthalates. This is all part of Greenpeace’s controversial new campaign, “Save The Sex Toys!”

6) A 56-year-old NY woman who won $1 million from a state lottery game four years ago has improbably hit the jackpot again. Valerie Wilson, who works at a Long Island deli, said she won another $1 million on a lottery scratch-off game last month. Sources in Long Island confirm that everyone now officially hates Valerie Wilson’s guts.