BRAD ALDOUS: Daily Brad

1) Two women kissing in an advertisement led Singapore to fine a cable operator this week for breaching guidelines on sexuality in the conservative city-state. And here in the US, the self same advertisement led me to watch it 27 times.

1) Gary Gygax, who co-created the fantasy game Dungeons & Dragons died Tuesday morning at his home in Lake Geneva. He had been suffering from health problems for several years, but finally succumbed when he rolled a 9 and was eaten by a Gelatinous Cube.

2) Actress Bai Ling says she made an "innocent mistake" when she allegedly took a pack of batteries and two tabloid magazines at Los Angeles International Airport without paying for them. She added, "Don't celebrities get everything for free? I thought we did..." To which the store attendant replied, "Who ARE you? Wait, Didn't you used to be on the View? No, she was prettier...."

3) Rolling Stones guitarist and rock-and-roll bad boy Keith Richards is to become the new face of Louis Vuitton, the French luxury fashion house said Tuesday. Apparently the final two choices were Richards and a corpse, and Richards booked the gig by looking slightly more like death.

4) And finally, A NASA spacecraft has taken the first-ever image of an avalanche near Mars' north pole. A spokesman for Tom Cruise said that unlike everyone else on the planet, Tom knows he has to do something about it, because he's the only one who can really help.

1) Naomi Campbell was admitted to the hospital in Brazil this week. Her publicist announced "Following the successful procedure, she is now resting and is looking forward to getting back to hurling things at her assistants and bludgeoning her maids with cel phones."

2) Steve-O of "Jackass" fame was arrested for suspicion of vandalism and possession of a controlled substance at his Hollywood home today. And just when he was about to publish his new research on how climate change affects the world economy and international relations. Dangit.

3) Kid Rock has pleaded not guilty to a charge of battery from a fight at a Waffle House in Atlanta. Once again the old adage proves true: You can take Kid Rock out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the Waffle House.

1) According to a new study, disappearing bee colonies could drive up ice cream prices. In a related story, disappearing ant colonies could drive up the price of imaginary logic.

2) George Bush Senior endorsed John McCain today, and then promtply threw up into the lap of the Prime Minister of Japan.

3) There is much in the news about the power that the "Super Delegates" will yield in the upcoming election. I see no problems with that, as long as it doesn't take away from the time they spend fighting crime.

4) Finally, seven people died this week from Paraguay's first outbreak of yellow fever in 34 years. Here in New York, my friend Spence has yellow fever, but his girlfriend Miyuki says he's totally fine.

1) Italian scientists say they have proved Napoleon was not poisoned, upending the theory the French emperor was murdered by his British jailors. In a related story, Italian scientists have made no progress on studies of Cancer, AIDS, global warming, or Prioritizing studies.

2) Steven Spielberg is ending his involvement as an artistic adviser for the Beijing Olympics. Apparently, the Chinese didn't like his proposed Opening Ceremony: a gory, entrail filled, live 30 minute beach attack.

3) President Bush said Tuesday that recent displays of nooses are disturbing and insensitive. He added, "Especially to those us who are still working on tie-ing our shoes..."

4) Dolly Parton, 62, said on Monday she would postpone her upcoming North American tour after doctors told her to take it easy for six to eight weeks to rest her sore back. She blames her back problems on what she called, "the puppies." Here at the Daily Brad, we bet "the puppies" are incredibly happy if they get to be anywhere near her massive breasts.

5) Facebook has been renamed this week, switching to a more accurate name, StalkyourFriends.

1) The king of sexually explicit voice mails, E!'s Pat O'Brien checked into rehab today. Though here at the Daily Brad, we are pretty sure it was just to get near enough to harass Kirsten Dunst.

2) Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee will not quit the race, according to supporters. In related news, I do not heart Huckabee. In fact, I think he is a jackass. Also, Huckabee is a silly name.

3) And finally, Valentines Day is just a few days away. Or as I call it, "Hallmark is a genius day".

1) Campaigning for Mike Huckabee, actor Chuck Norris said Sunday that Sen. John McCain is too old to handle the pressures of being president. Because we here in America love to take our political advice from the man who starred in "Top Dog" with a canine named Reno. Who outacted him....

2) Democrat Dennis Kucinich announced Thursday that he is dropping out of the presidential race. No specific reason was given, but we suspect it was to spend more with his super hot half his age wife. Dennis, we salute you.

3) When asked this week how long he will stay in the race for President, Rudolph Guliani replied, "You know, I feel like I have been asked that question 911 times."

4) Pakistan's President Pervez Musharraf lashed out Thursday at what he called Western "intellectual arrogance" toward his country, saying "... we are not such clueless people who do not know how to run a country, we have our own brains. Or brainses. Or is it brainsi? Oh, hurry up and give us $10 billion dollars."

1) Rapper Lil Wayne was arrested for felony drug possession at the California/Arizona border today. He and/or his entourage were in possession of weed, coke, ecstasy, a gun and 22,000 in cash, or as I like to call it: a picnic.

2) A new study finds that the nation's unchecked diabetes epidemic costs $174 billion a year, or more than the conflicts in Iraq, Afghanistan, and against "terror" combined. President Bush quickly
declared victory over Diabetes, and then blamed the condition on Osama Bin Laden.

3) Scotland Yard started an investigation Wednesday into a video that allegedly shows troubled British singer Amy Winehouse smoking crack. While anyone who has seen a photo of her lately knows, the fact that they need to do an "investigation" means Scotland Yard needs to get off the pipe as well.

4) The press continue to speculate over whether Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is injured or no. Here at the Daily Brad, we know only this. We're pretty sure sleeping with Gisele Bundchen cures EVERYTHING. Go Giants!

1) The writers strike continues, and after much confusion, according to an official press release, a spokesman finally announced that the AMPTP stands for "Assface Moron Penishead Tool Pricks". In case there was any doubt.

2) Madonna was in India today, with her husband, Guy Ritchie, and today she visited a crowded Mumbai slum. Residents showered her with rose and marigold petals. And she showered them with nonsense about the Kaballah.

3) In the political forum the field is divided into two sets of canidates, viable ones, and Fred Thompson. http://blog.rickbreslin.com/extras/doink_doink.wav

1) 40-year-old singer R. Kelly, could be facing arrest if he doesn't show up in court Thursday in Chicago. A spokesman for the singer announced that he would have been there for the original date except that he had young women to urinate on.

2) Apparently responding to her sister's behavior over the past year Jamie Lynn Spears announced this week, "I'll see your bald headed crotch flashing insanity, and I'll raise you a teen pregnancy. Checkmate?"

3) Very obese people who need a kidney transplant are far less likely to get one than normal weight people, and when they do, their wait is an average of over a year longer.The reasons for the wait vary, but most are due to their inability to leave the buffet.

4) A rare 710-year-old copy of the Magna Carta, among the most important historical documents ever to hit the auction block, sold for $21.3 million on Tuesday at Sotheby's. In related news, the only copy of the Magna Brada is still on ebay for the reasonable sarting bid of 10,000.00

1) An Italian musician and computer technician claims to have uncovered musical notes encoded in Leonardo Da Vinci's "Last Supper," raising the possibility that the Renaissance genius might have left behind a composition to accompany the scene depicted in the 15th-century wall painting. Even more shocking? The composition: "Who Let the Dogs Out?"

2) Prince Harry and his Zimbabwean-born girlfriend Chelsy Davy have ended their three-year romance, with the young woman growing tired of his playboy lifestyle and his incredibly tiny pauper.

3) Mary-Kate Olsen was being treated in a Manhattan hospital Tuesday for a kidney infection. Ashley was asked for comment, but was too busy dealing with her daddy issues and "Handsy" Lance Armstrong.

4) Barack Obama announced this week that he was "kind of a goof-off in high school." Not one to be out done, Hilary Clinton released a statement today that she, "slept with the entire debate team as well as most of the cross country squad."

5) And finally, President Bush pardoned two turkeys today. Michael Brown and Dick Cheney seemed incredibly grateful.

1) About 175,000 Curious George Plush Dolls were recalled Thursday, becoming the latest toy made in China found to be contaminated with dangerous levels of lead. This follows the lead paint related recall of around 51,000 Children's Fashion Sunglasses, and the 600,000 units of "Leady the Lickable Lead Paint Brush."

2) Aqua Dots, a highly popular holiday toy sold by Australia-based Moose Enterprises, were pulled from shelves in North American and Australia after scientists found they contain a chemical that converts into the date rape drug GHB when eaten. In other news, I ate about 20 of them tonight and have left my front door open. Ladies???

3) Six weeks ago, in his Yom Kippur sermon at Temple Rodeph Torah, Rabbi Donald Weber offered to personally pay for six-month memberships to JDate for any singles in his congregation who asked. The same Rabbi, however, apparently refused a request to recompensate our jewish correspondent for a single visit to Jwhore.

4) Finaly, J-lo announced to South Florida concertgoers Wednesday night that she is pregnant, and her doctors have answered the question on everyone's mind when they announced today that yes, the fetus has a HUGE ass.

1) Pope Benedict XVI named 23 new Cardinals wednesday, and is now locked in a power struggle with manager Tony LaRussa.

2) President Bush defended honoring the Dali Lama today, telling critics, "Somebody has to defend the little fella - he looks like he hasn't eaten in years!"

3) Oprah Winfrey is going public about the thyroid condition that slowed down her metabolism and caused her to gain 20 pounds. Sources say she will not go public about the cases of Haagen Daas that helped the cause.

4) Neanderthals might have spoken just like humans do now, new genetic findings suggest. In fact many may have been better speakers than some people who live in the White House and are married to Laura.

1) Two nutrients found in eggs, spinach and other leafy green vegetables offer some protection against the most common cause of blindness researchers said on Monday. Timmy Swanson, age 7, has written this study off as "Mommy trying to get me to eat yucky stuff."

2) Vanessa Hudgens, the star of the wholesome, made-for-kids TV movie hit "High School Musical," apologized Friday for a nude photo of her on the Web and Walt Disney Co. said it was sticking by the performer. Her real life "boyfriend" Zac Effron is sticking by her too, announcing, "We totally love each other. We're like sisters. And best friends. And we do stuff. LIke shopping, and each other's make up..."

3) Starbucks opened its first coffee shop in Russia on Thursday, ensuring that every person living north of Moscow will now have to pay 3 billion rubles for a cup of shitty coffee.

4) Rapper Trick Daddy was arrested after a fight at a strip club early Tuesday.The rapper was charged with disorderly intoxication, resisting arrest, and being a total cliche.

5) Facebook, the popular social networking site, has removed what they called "obscene" photographs that show mothers breastfeeding their babies. A spokesman for the company, Nazi McJerkface, said, "Blah blah blah I'm an idiot."

1) A Russian woman set fire to her ex-husband's penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka, Moscow police said Wednesday. Sitting naked, watching television and drinking vodka? Guess who's moving to Moscow tomorrow!!Maybe the commies aren't so bad after all....

2) Sen. Larry Craig announced today that he "overreacted and made a poor decision" in pleading guilty to disorderly conduct after his June arrest following an incident in a Minneapolis airport bathroom. Here at the Daily Brad, we think he "overreacted and made a poor decision" when he stared for several minutes into an occupied toilet stall and then tried to entice an undercover cop to "play doctor."
"Let me be clear: I am not gay and never have been," said Craig, "however, I do enjoy sex with human beings who have penises."
With his wife by his side, Craig said he is the victim of a "witch hunt" conducted by the Idaho Statesman newspaper. Perhaps if he didn't wear a black hat, ride a broom and cackle over a cauldron Mr. Craig might have a teeny bit more credibility.
A police officer who arrested him June 11 said Craig peered through a crack in a restroom stall door for two minutes and made gestures suggesting to the officer he wanted to engage in "lewd conduct. "Craig would look down at his hands, 'fidget' with his fingers, and then look through the crack into my stall again," Karsnia wrote in documents accompanying the arrest report. Craig said the officer misinterpreted his actions. He was merely trying to decipher what brand of pants the officer was wearing and if they were straight fit or pleated. He continued with, "I'm always on the lookout for new herringbone slacks," which frankly made him sound even more gay. After he was taken for questioning, the police report says, Craig pulled out of a Senate business card and asked the officer: "What do you think of that?" A question he apparently also tried to use in the stall itself while pulling out something else entirely.
"...Craig moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot, which was within my stall area," the officer's report said. When the police interviewed him later, the senator said that "he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom" and that was why his foot may have touched the officers, adding, "It's because my thing is extraordinarily large. Make sure you print that: really, really large. Can you print my number too?" Craig has consistently voted against gay rights, a move gay spokesman have called, "Incredibly Gayronic."

3) Miss Teen South Carolina, Laura Caitlin Upton, has become a laughing stock after her flubbed answer about maps during the interview portion of last week's contest. She said Tuesday, "I seriously think i only heard one or two words of the actual question." Which is funny, because I think I only heard one or two words of the flubbed answer. Hello!!! Hottie!!! Was she talking? Does it matter? I love her!!

4) Owen Wilson is in the hospital recovering after an alleged suicide attempt, according to Santa Monica Police Department phone logs. That or sources say it could have been his crooked nose tried to kill him........ Samuel L. Jackson was also seen at the hospital, though it has not been confirmed that he was visiting Wilson. Jackson may have just been agreeing to star in another movie, as he is apparently physically incapable of turning one down.

1) 21-year-old movie star Lindsay Lohan was booked on suspicion of driving under the influence and two felony charges of possession of cocaine last night. Upon hearing this, Judge Larry Seidlin immediately burst into tears, Paris HIlton exhaled with relief, and absolutely no one anywhere was surprised.

2) The last Harry Potter book came out on Saturday, and many fans are rapidly reading so that they don't find out that at the end: Harry dreamed the whole thing, they destroy the Death Star and he had the power to go home the whole time....

3) And finally, Tour de France rider Alexandre Vinokourov tested positive for a banned blood transfusion after winning last weekend's time trial, prompting his Astana team to pull out of the race Tuesday. French Officals are considering renaming the event the "Tour de Dope" and just letting the riders roid up and do the whole damn race in one stage.

1) Jon Bon Jovi wants the owner of the Mijovi energy drink to change its name, arguing it is too similar to his famous moniker.
A Mijovi spokesman said the words "itsmijovi" and "itsmilife" are meant to mean "it's my jovial life." The full phrase on the can is "itsmienergy.itsmijovi.itsmilife."
The New Jersey rocker has since brought suit against:
--Websters dictionary, demanding the removal of the word Jovial,
--the candy Bon Bons,
--the french language for the phrase "joeur de vive: which he called - "close enough",
--and a popular Bon Jovi Cover Artist, John Von Jovi, who is said to be returning to his former persona, " Bee Snyder of Twisted Mister.

2) Nothing, apparently, brings baseball fans together like hating Barry Bonds. But even through the boos, Bonds hit his 752nd home run Thursday, ending his worst slump in six years with a single swing — putting Hank Aaron's record only three homers away. Now, we're not insinuating that he uses performance enhancing drugs, but aren't his breasts getting bigger?

3) The Easy-Bake oven has been recalled for the second time in less than a year, according to the Consumer Product Safety Commission. The recall was issued because children were getting their hands and fingers trapped in the front opening, and some were even burned. This is the second recall in less than a month for Hasbro, following the Easy Grow Hydroponic Hemp Farm, because children were found smoking their clothes.

4) FInally, JK Rowling is up in arms regarding an early review of the last Harry Potter book which came out a day before the release date."I am staggered that some American newspapers have decided to publish purported spoilers in the form of reviews in complete disregard of the wishes of literally millions of readers, particularly children," followed by "Also, I like attention. Loads of attention. Look at me everyone. I can buy and sell you all!"

1) Pope Benedict is taking a tougher stand on sexual abuse in the Church than his predecessor. Last year he disciplined Rev. Marcial Maciel Degollado, the 86-year-old founder of the conservative Legionaries of Christ, who had been accused of sexually abusing boys decades ago. Of the "discipline", Rev. Delgado commented, "I've been a very bad little boy" and also "it hurts so so good."

2) A man who fatally stabbed his first wife in 1981 is accused of attacking his second wife with a knife in the same home, authorities in Ohio said today. I think there's an old saying about that: "Stab your first wife, shame on you. Stab your second wife, Someone Else MARRIED him??"

3) NBC's karaoke competition "The Singing Bee" was last night's top rated program, according to preliminary national estimates from Nielsen. This finally proves that the American Public will watch absolutely ANYTHING, as long as they don't have to talk to each other.

4) Atlanta Falcons' Quarterback Michael Vick was charged with dogfighting yesterday. Said Vicks, " I was in a 4G inverted dive with a MiG-28, uh, communicating. I gave that Russian the bird."

5) And finally, Contractors hired to clean up after Hurricane Katrina are fuming over delays in getting paid by FEMA. A government spokesman went on record saying, "Problems with FEMA? No! Reeeeally? No! C'mon! FEMA? No!

1) A week after admitting links to a Washington escort service, Sen. David Vitter today denied having relationships with New Orleans prostitutes, alleging, "I like to save my whoring for when I am at work in the nations capital."

2) Archaeologists uncovered a 2,400-year-old golden mask that once belonged to a Thracian king in southeastern Bulgaria this weekend. Unfortunately, when the archaeologist put it on, he turned into a a green-skinned cartoon in a wacky suit and began dancing to "Cuban Pete."

3) Researchers at UCLA announced on Monday that muscular young men are likely to have more sex partners than their less-chiseled peers. And here at the Daily Brad, we've decided that all researchers that formally announce obvious drivel deserve a swift chop to the throat.

3) Finally, according to a federal study released today, one in 12 full-time workers in the United States acknowledges having used illegal drugs in the past month. In a related story, 8 out of 12 workers habitually lie when participating in federal studies.

1) President Bush called today for "patience with Iraq" further stating that " We must succeed for our own sake. Or rather for mine. So I don't look like a jackass. I mean, er...more of a jackass.."

2) American Joey Chestnut emerged Wednesday as the world's hot dog eating champion, knocking off six-time titlist Takeru Kobayashi to prove that when it comes to consuming unhealthy food in mass quantities, nobody does it like us Americans. Yee haw.

3) Al Gore's son, Al Gore III, was pulled over for speeding on a California freeway early Wednesday and arrested on suspicion of possessing marijuana and prescription drugs. Asked for comment, Gore replied, "I have to go pay his bail. It's true, and incredibly inconvenient."

4) A former sales representative for Girls Gone Wild has filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against the company, its their founder, Joe Francis, and another individual. In a related story, I am suing Playboy for indecent exposure. My demands? A lifetime subscription....

The Spice Girls wannabe stars again. Cue nausea.

The original Girl Power group of the 1990s announced Thursday that they have agreed to reunite for six concerts around the world — their first since breaking up in 2001. And the world united in a single clap. And then a groan.

Sporty - the butch one,
Posh - the anorexic one,
Ginger - the red haired one,
Baby - the chubby one,
and Scary - The black one,

became a hit thanks to tasteless 6 year old girls everywhere, who until then didn't realize that you could dress terribly and sing badly, well into your twenties.

The Spice Girls' 2000 album, "Forever," had weak sales, and they began concentrating on their solo careers. And by solo careers we mean having sex with famous men and bearing their children. (see posh and scary)

Here at the Daily Brad, we're just giddy waiting to see what the Spice MIWLF's have in store for us.

PARIS FINDS GOD!
GOD CALLS FOR DO OVER!

1) Imprisoned hotel heiress Paris Hilton has said she believes God has given her a new chance. She explained that by "God" she means, the guard who has been giving her weed.

Hilton called television journalist Barbara Walters on Sunday from the medical wing of a Los Angeles jail. She cried constantly until Walters explained that she wasn't actually on TV.

"I'm not the same person I was," Hilton told Walters. "I used to act dumb. It was an act. I used to foget to wear panties. It was intentional. I used to act slutty. That was totally real."

She added, "nor do I want to be "that" person for the young girls who looked up to me." A spokesman for young girls denied any of them have ever looked up to Hilton, except for tips on home video making.

1) Paris HIlton was released from Jail today after serving only 5 days of her already reduced 23 day sentence. The sherrif's department announced the early release was due to a "medical condition." Confidential sources say sleeping on the metal cot was angering the large Herpes Monster which lives inside her vagina.

2) Under house arrest, Hilton will be able to go out to get her mail, the sherrif's department said, and be outside for about 30 minutes. Or, enough time to get to a bar, get blitzed on Veuve and drive home.

3) Paris was released from jail early Thursday, and will get credit for serving five days in jail. On her way out, she was heard asking Sherrif's Department Officials if the credit could be applied toward her GED.

4) According to sources, Hilton has been "fitted with an ankle bracelet, and she has been sent home. She will be confined to her home for the next 40 days." The ankle bracelet however is expected to be out drinking and driving by late tonight.

1) The Spanish government filed a lawsuit in a U.S. federal court on Wednesday seeking to block claims by Florida-based treasure hunters Odyssey Marine Exploration to any Spanish property recovered from shipwrecks. Said a spokesman for Odyssey, "We're still working on a good translation for "finders keepers, losers weepers." "

2) Pakistan's Supreme Court this week ordered a pop singer to change his lyrics after a college girl complained that male students teased her by singing the song when she passed by. In a related story, the Pakistani consulate reported this week a huge influx of women named Roxanne, Rhonda, Billie Jean, Peggy Sue, Cecelia, and Sherona.

3) The only giant panda released into the wild after being bred in captivity has died, setting back China's efforts to save the critically endangered species. "We have to give captive-bred pandas better survival training, especially combat and defence skills", said reserve veterenarian Yang Chunxiang. This news can mean only one thing. Ultimate Super Panda Soldiers!! They dissarm you with their cuteness and then they dissarm with their teeth.

4) Katie Holmes said on E! Tonight this week that she is ready to have more kids with Tom Cruise. Her exact words were, "Tom is great. He knows exactly how to HELP ME be a great mom. And whenever i ask for anything, all I have to say is PLEASE HELP ME and he comes running. And even when i feel like I CAN'T MAKE IT MUCH LONGER, he's always there."

5) Lawyers tied a young man to a tree and beat him outside a court in India Wed. for refusing to marry one of their relatives. All of the lawyers in the Supafugli family have refused comment.

1) The Rev. Jerry Falwell died Tuesday after being found unconscious in his office at Liberty University. Authorities are seeking Tinky Winky for questioning.

2) Higher primates such as humans are considered the brainiacs of the mammalian world. But now scientists suggest that one of our remote ancestors was a bit of a “pea brain." The scientists cited CT scanning, a 29-million-year-old fossilized skull, and Paris HIlton.

3) Lindsay Lohan and her mother have been sued by a New York City freelance photographer who claims the actress struck him with a BMW in the West Village. Several other suits are pending againts Miss Lohan from "cruel and unusual punishment" from audience members of "Georgia Rule"