BRAD ALDOUS: Daily Brad

1) Rapper Lil Wayne was arrested for felony drug possession at the California/Arizona border today. He and/or his entourage were in possession of weed, coke, ecstasy, a gun and 22,000 in cash, or as I like to call it: a picnic.

2) A new study finds that the nation's unchecked diabetes epidemic costs $174 billion a year, or more than the conflicts in Iraq, Afghanistan, and against "terror" combined. President Bush quickly
declared victory over Diabetes, and then blamed the condition on Osama Bin Laden.

3) Scotland Yard started an investigation Wednesday into a video that allegedly shows troubled British singer Amy Winehouse smoking crack. While anyone who has seen a photo of her lately knows, the fact that they need to do an "investigation" means Scotland Yard needs to get off the pipe as well.

4) The press continue to speculate over whether Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is injured or no. Here at the Daily Brad, we know only this. We're pretty sure sleeping with Gisele Bundchen cures EVERYTHING. Go Giants!

1) The writers strike continues, and after much confusion, according to an official press release, a spokesman finally announced that the AMPTP stands for "Assface Moron Penishead Tool Pricks". In case there was any doubt.

2) Madonna was in India today, with her husband, Guy Ritchie, and today she visited a crowded Mumbai slum. Residents showered her with rose and marigold petals. And she showered them with nonsense about the Kaballah.

3) In the political forum the field is divided into two sets of canidates, viable ones, and Fred Thompson. http://blog.rickbreslin.com/extras/doink_doink.wav

1) 40-year-old singer R. Kelly, could be facing arrest if he doesn't show up in court Thursday in Chicago. A spokesman for the singer announced that he would have been there for the original date except that he had young women to urinate on.

2) Apparently responding to her sister's behavior over the past year Jamie Lynn Spears announced this week, "I'll see your bald headed crotch flashing insanity, and I'll raise you a teen pregnancy. Checkmate?"

3) Very obese people who need a kidney transplant are far less likely to get one than normal weight people, and when they do, their wait is an average of over a year longer.The reasons for the wait vary, but most are due to their inability to leave the buffet.

4) A rare 710-year-old copy of the Magna Carta, among the most important historical documents ever to hit the auction block, sold for $21.3 million on Tuesday at Sotheby's. In related news, the only copy of the Magna Brada is still on ebay for the reasonable sarting bid of 10,000.00

1) An Italian musician and computer technician claims to have uncovered musical notes encoded in Leonardo Da Vinci's "Last Supper," raising the possibility that the Renaissance genius might have left behind a composition to accompany the scene depicted in the 15th-century wall painting. Even more shocking? The composition: "Who Let the Dogs Out?"

2) Prince Harry and his Zimbabwean-born girlfriend Chelsy Davy have ended their three-year romance, with the young woman growing tired of his playboy lifestyle and his incredibly tiny pauper.

3) Mary-Kate Olsen was being treated in a Manhattan hospital Tuesday for a kidney infection. Ashley was asked for comment, but was too busy dealing with her daddy issues and "Handsy" Lance Armstrong.

4) Barack Obama announced this week that he was "kind of a goof-off in high school." Not one to be out done, Hilary Clinton released a statement today that she, "slept with the entire debate team as well as most of the cross country squad."

5) And finally, President Bush pardoned two turkeys today. Michael Brown and Dick Cheney seemed incredibly grateful.

1) About 175,000 Curious George Plush Dolls were recalled Thursday, becoming the latest toy made in China found to be contaminated with dangerous levels of lead. This follows the lead paint related recall of around 51,000 Children's Fashion Sunglasses, and the 600,000 units of "Leady the Lickable Lead Paint Brush."

2) Aqua Dots, a highly popular holiday toy sold by Australia-based Moose Enterprises, were pulled from shelves in North American and Australia after scientists found they contain a chemical that converts into the date rape drug GHB when eaten. In other news, I ate about 20 of them tonight and have left my front door open. Ladies???

3) Six weeks ago, in his Yom Kippur sermon at Temple Rodeph Torah, Rabbi Donald Weber offered to personally pay for six-month memberships to JDate for any singles in his congregation who asked. The same Rabbi, however, apparently refused a request to recompensate our jewish correspondent for a single visit to Jwhore.

4) Finaly, J-lo announced to South Florida concertgoers Wednesday night that she is pregnant, and her doctors have answered the question on everyone's mind when they announced today that yes, the fetus has a HUGE ass.

1) Pope Benedict XVI named 23 new Cardinals wednesday, and is now locked in a power struggle with manager Tony LaRussa.

2) President Bush defended honoring the Dali Lama today, telling critics, "Somebody has to defend the little fella - he looks like he hasn't eaten in years!"

3) Oprah Winfrey is going public about the thyroid condition that slowed down her metabolism and caused her to gain 20 pounds. Sources say she will not go public about the cases of Haagen Daas that helped the cause.

4) Neanderthals might have spoken just like humans do now, new genetic findings suggest. In fact many may have been better speakers than some people who live in the White House and are married to Laura.

1) Two nutrients found in eggs, spinach and other leafy green vegetables offer some protection against the most common cause of blindness researchers said on Monday. Timmy Swanson, age 7, has written this study off as "Mommy trying to get me to eat yucky stuff."

2) Vanessa Hudgens, the star of the wholesome, made-for-kids TV movie hit "High School Musical," apologized Friday for a nude photo of her on the Web and Walt Disney Co. said it was sticking by the performer. Her real life "boyfriend" Zac Effron is sticking by her too, announcing, "We totally love each other. We're like sisters. And best friends. And we do stuff. LIke shopping, and each other's make up..."

3) Starbucks opened its first coffee shop in Russia on Thursday, ensuring that every person living north of Moscow will now have to pay 3 billion rubles for a cup of shitty coffee.

4) Rapper Trick Daddy was arrested after a fight at a strip club early Tuesday.The rapper was charged with disorderly intoxication, resisting arrest, and being a total cliche.

5) Facebook, the popular social networking site, has removed what they called "obscene" photographs that show mothers breastfeeding their babies. A spokesman for the company, Nazi McJerkface, said, "Blah blah blah I'm an idiot."

1) A Russian woman set fire to her ex-husband's penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka, Moscow police said Wednesday. Sitting naked, watching television and drinking vodka? Guess who's moving to Moscow tomorrow!!Maybe the commies aren't so bad after all....

2) Sen. Larry Craig announced today that he "overreacted and made a poor decision" in pleading guilty to disorderly conduct after his June arrest following an incident in a Minneapolis airport bathroom. Here at the Daily Brad, we think he "overreacted and made a poor decision" when he stared for several minutes into an occupied toilet stall and then tried to entice an undercover cop to "play doctor."
"Let me be clear: I am not gay and never have been," said Craig, "however, I do enjoy sex with human beings who have penises."
With his wife by his side, Craig said he is the victim of a "witch hunt" conducted by the Idaho Statesman newspaper. Perhaps if he didn't wear a black hat, ride a broom and cackle over a cauldron Mr. Craig might have a teeny bit more credibility.
A police officer who arrested him June 11 said Craig peered through a crack in a restroom stall door for two minutes and made gestures suggesting to the officer he wanted to engage in "lewd conduct. "Craig would look down at his hands, 'fidget' with his fingers, and then look through the crack into my stall again," Karsnia wrote in documents accompanying the arrest report. Craig said the officer misinterpreted his actions. He was merely trying to decipher what brand of pants the officer was wearing and if they were straight fit or pleated. He continued with, "I'm always on the lookout for new herringbone slacks," which frankly made him sound even more gay. After he was taken for questioning, the police report says, Craig pulled out of a Senate business card and asked the officer: "What do you think of that?" A question he apparently also tried to use in the stall itself while pulling out something else entirely.
"...Craig moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot, which was within my stall area," the officer's report said. When the police interviewed him later, the senator said that "he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom" and that was why his foot may have touched the officers, adding, "It's because my thing is extraordinarily large. Make sure you print that: really, really large. Can you print my number too?" Craig has consistently voted against gay rights, a move gay spokesman have called, "Incredibly Gayronic."

3) Miss Teen South Carolina, Laura Caitlin Upton, has become a laughing stock after her flubbed answer about maps during the interview portion of last week's contest. She said Tuesday, "I seriously think i only heard one or two words of the actual question." Which is funny, because I think I only heard one or two words of the flubbed answer. Hello!!! Hottie!!! Was she talking? Does it matter? I love her!!

4) Owen Wilson is in the hospital recovering after an alleged suicide attempt, according to Santa Monica Police Department phone logs. That or sources say it could have been his crooked nose tried to kill him........ Samuel L. Jackson was also seen at the hospital, though it has not been confirmed that he was visiting Wilson. Jackson may have just been agreeing to star in another movie, as he is apparently physically incapable of turning one down.

1) 21-year-old movie star Lindsay Lohan was booked on suspicion of driving under the influence and two felony charges of possession of cocaine last night. Upon hearing this, Judge Larry Seidlin immediately burst into tears, Paris HIlton exhaled with relief, and absolutely no one anywhere was surprised.

2) The last Harry Potter book came out on Saturday, and many fans are rapidly reading so that they don't find out that at the end: Harry dreamed the whole thing, they destroy the Death Star and he had the power to go home the whole time....

3) And finally, Tour de France rider Alexandre Vinokourov tested positive for a banned blood transfusion after winning last weekend's time trial, prompting his Astana team to pull out of the race Tuesday. French Officals are considering renaming the event the "Tour de Dope" and just letting the riders roid up and do the whole damn race in one stage.

1) Jon Bon Jovi wants the owner of the Mijovi energy drink to change its name, arguing it is too similar to his famous moniker.
A Mijovi spokesman said the words "itsmijovi" and "itsmilife" are meant to mean "it's my jovial life." The full phrase on the can is "itsmienergy.itsmijovi.itsmilife."
The New Jersey rocker has since brought suit against:
--Websters dictionary, demanding the removal of the word Jovial,
--the candy Bon Bons,
--the french language for the phrase "joeur de vive: which he called - "close enough",
--and a popular Bon Jovi Cover Artist, John Von Jovi, who is said to be returning to his former persona, " Bee Snyder of Twisted Mister.

2) Nothing, apparently, brings baseball fans together like hating Barry Bonds. But even through the boos, Bonds hit his 752nd home run Thursday, ending his worst slump in six years with a single swing — putting Hank Aaron's record only three homers away. Now, we're not insinuating that he uses performance enhancing drugs, but aren't his breasts getting bigger?

3) The Easy-Bake oven has been recalled for the second time in less than a year, according to the Consumer Product Safety Commission. The recall was issued because children were getting their hands and fingers trapped in the front opening, and some were even burned. This is the second recall in less than a month for Hasbro, following the Easy Grow Hydroponic Hemp Farm, because children were found smoking their clothes.

4) FInally, JK Rowling is up in arms regarding an early review of the last Harry Potter book which came out a day before the release date."I am staggered that some American newspapers have decided to publish purported spoilers in the form of reviews in complete disregard of the wishes of literally millions of readers, particularly children," followed by "Also, I like attention. Loads of attention. Look at me everyone. I can buy and sell you all!"

1) Pope Benedict is taking a tougher stand on sexual abuse in the Church than his predecessor. Last year he disciplined Rev. Marcial Maciel Degollado, the 86-year-old founder of the conservative Legionaries of Christ, who had been accused of sexually abusing boys decades ago. Of the "discipline", Rev. Delgado commented, "I've been a very bad little boy" and also "it hurts so so good."

2) A man who fatally stabbed his first wife in 1981 is accused of attacking his second wife with a knife in the same home, authorities in Ohio said today. I think there's an old saying about that: "Stab your first wife, shame on you. Stab your second wife, Someone Else MARRIED him??"

3) NBC's karaoke competition "The Singing Bee" was last night's top rated program, according to preliminary national estimates from Nielsen. This finally proves that the American Public will watch absolutely ANYTHING, as long as they don't have to talk to each other.

4) Atlanta Falcons' Quarterback Michael Vick was charged with dogfighting yesterday. Said Vicks, " I was in a 4G inverted dive with a MiG-28, uh, communicating. I gave that Russian the bird."

5) And finally, Contractors hired to clean up after Hurricane Katrina are fuming over delays in getting paid by FEMA. A government spokesman went on record saying, "Problems with FEMA? No! Reeeeally? No! C'mon! FEMA? No!

1) A week after admitting links to a Washington escort service, Sen. David Vitter today denied having relationships with New Orleans prostitutes, alleging, "I like to save my whoring for when I am at work in the nations capital."

2) Archaeologists uncovered a 2,400-year-old golden mask that once belonged to a Thracian king in southeastern Bulgaria this weekend. Unfortunately, when the archaeologist put it on, he turned into a a green-skinned cartoon in a wacky suit and began dancing to "Cuban Pete."

3) Researchers at UCLA announced on Monday that muscular young men are likely to have more sex partners than their less-chiseled peers. And here at the Daily Brad, we've decided that all researchers that formally announce obvious drivel deserve a swift chop to the throat.

3) Finally, according to a federal study released today, one in 12 full-time workers in the United States acknowledges having used illegal drugs in the past month. In a related story, 8 out of 12 workers habitually lie when participating in federal studies.

1) President Bush called today for "patience with Iraq" further stating that " We must succeed for our own sake. Or rather for mine. So I don't look like a jackass. I mean, er...more of a jackass.."

2) American Joey Chestnut emerged Wednesday as the world's hot dog eating champion, knocking off six-time titlist Takeru Kobayashi to prove that when it comes to consuming unhealthy food in mass quantities, nobody does it like us Americans. Yee haw.

3) Al Gore's son, Al Gore III, was pulled over for speeding on a California freeway early Wednesday and arrested on suspicion of possessing marijuana and prescription drugs. Asked for comment, Gore replied, "I have to go pay his bail. It's true, and incredibly inconvenient."

4) A former sales representative for Girls Gone Wild has filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against the company, its their founder, Joe Francis, and another individual. In a related story, I am suing Playboy for indecent exposure. My demands? A lifetime subscription....

The Spice Girls wannabe stars again. Cue nausea.

The original Girl Power group of the 1990s announced Thursday that they have agreed to reunite for six concerts around the world — their first since breaking up in 2001. And the world united in a single clap. And then a groan.

Sporty - the butch one,
Posh - the anorexic one,
Ginger - the red haired one,
Baby - the chubby one,
and Scary - The black one,

became a hit thanks to tasteless 6 year old girls everywhere, who until then didn't realize that you could dress terribly and sing badly, well into your twenties.

The Spice Girls' 2000 album, "Forever," had weak sales, and they began concentrating on their solo careers. And by solo careers we mean having sex with famous men and bearing their children. (see posh and scary)

Here at the Daily Brad, we're just giddy waiting to see what the Spice MIWLF's have in store for us.

PARIS FINDS GOD!
GOD CALLS FOR DO OVER!

1) Imprisoned hotel heiress Paris Hilton has said she believes God has given her a new chance. She explained that by "God" she means, the guard who has been giving her weed.

Hilton called television journalist Barbara Walters on Sunday from the medical wing of a Los Angeles jail. She cried constantly until Walters explained that she wasn't actually on TV.

"I'm not the same person I was," Hilton told Walters. "I used to act dumb. It was an act. I used to foget to wear panties. It was intentional. I used to act slutty. That was totally real."

She added, "nor do I want to be "that" person for the young girls who looked up to me." A spokesman for young girls denied any of them have ever looked up to Hilton, except for tips on home video making.

1) Paris HIlton was released from Jail today after serving only 5 days of her already reduced 23 day sentence. The sherrif's department announced the early release was due to a "medical condition." Confidential sources say sleeping on the metal cot was angering the large Herpes Monster which lives inside her vagina.

2) Under house arrest, Hilton will be able to go out to get her mail, the sherrif's department said, and be outside for about 30 minutes. Or, enough time to get to a bar, get blitzed on Veuve and drive home.

3) Paris was released from jail early Thursday, and will get credit for serving five days in jail. On her way out, she was heard asking Sherrif's Department Officials if the credit could be applied toward her GED.

4) According to sources, Hilton has been "fitted with an ankle bracelet, and she has been sent home. She will be confined to her home for the next 40 days." The ankle bracelet however is expected to be out drinking and driving by late tonight.

1) The Spanish government filed a lawsuit in a U.S. federal court on Wednesday seeking to block claims by Florida-based treasure hunters Odyssey Marine Exploration to any Spanish property recovered from shipwrecks. Said a spokesman for Odyssey, "We're still working on a good translation for "finders keepers, losers weepers." "

2) Pakistan's Supreme Court this week ordered a pop singer to change his lyrics after a college girl complained that male students teased her by singing the song when she passed by. In a related story, the Pakistani consulate reported this week a huge influx of women named Roxanne, Rhonda, Billie Jean, Peggy Sue, Cecelia, and Sherona.

3) The only giant panda released into the wild after being bred in captivity has died, setting back China's efforts to save the critically endangered species. "We have to give captive-bred pandas better survival training, especially combat and defence skills", said reserve veterenarian Yang Chunxiang. This news can mean only one thing. Ultimate Super Panda Soldiers!! They dissarm you with their cuteness and then they dissarm with their teeth.

4) Katie Holmes said on E! Tonight this week that she is ready to have more kids with Tom Cruise. Her exact words were, "Tom is great. He knows exactly how to HELP ME be a great mom. And whenever i ask for anything, all I have to say is PLEASE HELP ME and he comes running. And even when i feel like I CAN'T MAKE IT MUCH LONGER, he's always there."

5) Lawyers tied a young man to a tree and beat him outside a court in India Wed. for refusing to marry one of their relatives. All of the lawyers in the Supafugli family have refused comment.

1) The Rev. Jerry Falwell died Tuesday after being found unconscious in his office at Liberty University. Authorities are seeking Tinky Winky for questioning.

2) Higher primates such as humans are considered the brainiacs of the mammalian world. But now scientists suggest that one of our remote ancestors was a bit of a “pea brain." The scientists cited CT scanning, a 29-million-year-old fossilized skull, and Paris HIlton.

3) Lindsay Lohan and her mother have been sued by a New York City freelance photographer who claims the actress struck him with a BMW in the West Village. Several other suits are pending againts Miss Lohan from "cruel and unusual punishment" from audience members of "Georgia Rule"

1) Floyd Landis warmed up for his doping arbitration hearing with another swipe at the US Anti-Doping Agency, claiming USADA offered him a short sentence if he provided incriminating evidence against Lance Armstrong. That, or naked photos of Sheryl Crow.

2) Worried Congress' support for Iraq is deteriorating rapidly, Baghdad dispatched senior officials to Capitol Hill this week to warn members one-on-one that pulling out U.S. troops would have disastrous consequences. And by disastrous consequences, they mean, they'd lose their meal ticket. To the tune of billions of dollars.

3) Sheryl Crow adopted a baby boy today. This after my numerous offers to help her grow one the old fashioned way.

4) Former astronaut Lisa Nowak waited nearly an hour at the airport for the romantic rival she is accused of attacking, donning a trenchcoat as the woman looked for her bags, a video released Friday shows. In a related story, are we really still talking about this?

5) Pope Benedict XVI urged tens of thousands of young Catholics packing a soccer stadium in Brazil Thursday to resist the temptations of wealth, power and other "snares of evil," and told them to promote life from "its beginning to natural end." The young brazilians in turn vowed to especially promote the "very beginning", and even more so during "Carnivale" or when they are "very drunk."

6) FInally, USA Today has announced that Katrina has dropped in popularity as a baby name. The paper reports that this has less to do with the catastrophe of Hurricane Katrina, and more to do the fact that most Katrina's are "total bitches."

1) According to a new study, as modern humans spread across Europe tens of thousands of years ago, they may have interbred with Neanderthals, creating hybrids. The study cites ancient human bones, cave paintings, and Daniel Baldwin.

2) Paris Hilton will spend 45 days in jail, beginning June 5. This marks the first time in history when people in jail have been more afraid of what they might catch from an incoming prisoner as supposed to vice versa.

3) Queen Elizabeth attended the Kentucky Derby yesterday. Prince Charles and his wife were conspicuously absent, as Charles feared someone might try and put a saddle on Camilla.

1) When 95-year-old Nola Ochs graduates next month, she will be the world's oldest college graduate. On Thursday, the Kansas Legislature honored Ochs with praise and standing ovations. Later that afternoon, SIgma Phi honored Ochs with keg stands, Strip Thumper, and jello wrestling.

2) The former director of a whaling museum and an antiques dealer pleaded guilty Thursday to illegally importing hundreds of sperm whale teeth from England and selling them to U.S. merchants. Displeased by this news? Jimmy Chang's Sperm Whale Denture Outlet in Brighton.

3) An Indian court ordered the arrest of Richard Gere thursday for kissing Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty at an AIDS campaign event, saying it was an obscene act committed in public. India recently ordered the arrest of Kirstie Alley, on the same charges, for wearing a bathing suit.

4) The rising popularity of text messaging poses a threat to writing standards among schoolchildren, an education commission says. "Text messaging, with its use of phonetic spelling and little or no punctuation, seems to pose a threat to traditional conventions in writing." A spokesman for schoolchildren responded with "u r fubar. lol. brb, sucka."

5) During an interview with 60 minutes, former CIA head George Tenet also defended the CIA's "high-value detainee" program, under which targets in the war on terrorism are interrogated at secret locations using "enhanced interrogation techniques." Tenet defined "enhanced interrogation techniques" as "cleverly verbally camouflaged torture."

1) U.S. hip-hop executive Russell Simmons on Monday recommended that the recording and broadcast industries voluntarily remove/bleep/delete the "misogynistic" words 'bitch' and 'ho' and the racially offensive word 'nigger'. When pressed, Simmons admitted no problem with "nigga", "whore" and "beeyotch," calling them "more pleasing to the ear" though "more difficult to rhyme."

2) An Indian state has ordered the wardens of a national wildlife park to shoot poachers of endangered one-horned rhinos on sight, officials said Monday. The warden has also ordered the rhinos to "try and be inconspicuous" and "at least try and run away.."

3) Blowing his nose and wiping away tears, the multimillionaire founder of the "Girls Gone Wild" video empire pleaded guilty to contempt of court Monday and was sentenced to 35 days in jail. Joe Francis will spend those 35 days with his new cel mate, and star of his next film, "Bubba Gone WIld."

4) Germany's celebrity polar bear cub Knut has received an anonymous death threat, causing alarm at Berlin Zoo on Thursday and prompting heightened security. Top-selling Bild newspaper said the zoo had received a hand-written fax with the words: "Knut is dead! Thursday midday." Investigators are centering their investigation on the Zoo's former celebrity baby, Dolph the Panda.

5) An explosion set fire to a Miami house being used to grow marijuana hydroponically on Wednesday and the force of the blast sent the occupant flying into the yard, police said. When asked for comment, the occupant responded, "Dude! That was Crazeeee! Does anyone have any corn chips?"

1) Hawaiian crooner Don Ho died this morning. Don Imus has refused comment.

2) Kate Middleton and Prince William have ended their four-year relationship. The Sun newspaper reported the breakup Saturday, saying the couple had reached an "amicable agreement" to separate. Inside sources cite Miss Middleton as objecting to the prince's newly appointed "royal fluffer."

3) Michael Jordan's split last December from his wife of 17 years, Juanita, is No. 1 on Forbes.com's list of "The 10 Most Expensive Celebrity Divorces." According to Forbes, Juanita should received somewhere in the vicinity of a "gajillion" dollars, as well as several pairs of sneakers, and Scotty Pippin.

4) Steel and coal from the Titanic have been transformed into a new line of luxury wristwatches by Geneva watchmaker Romain Jerome SA. The watches were offered for sale for the first time in Basel for between $7,800 and $173,100. And for $173,100, we hope that a ghost of one of the passengers comes out of the watch and tells you the time.

5) Two fans have asked Florida to pardon rock bad-boy Jim Morrison, who was convicted of exposing himself during a Miami concert nearly 40 years ago. The two men, Kerry Humpherys of Utah and David Diamond of Ohio, sent a letter to Florida Gov. Charlie Crist last month asking him to issue a full pardon to Morrison. "I'm a big Doors fan. It was all trumped up and he shouldn't have this hanging over him." A stamp. 39 cents. Pen and Paper. $2.75. Having so much free time that you try to get a pardon for a junkie who's been dead for 36 years? Priceless. There are some things that money cant buy. Like a life. Kerry and David? You're dumb.

Dear iTunes:

I signed in to the iTunes store a while back to check out the Celebrity playlists, as I am occasionally known to do. I, like you, am obsessed with celebrities and music, so when the two see fit to make out, I’ll be there. When I arrived, I was greeted by the photo of someone I have never, EVER seen before, and a name which meant even less. After some exhausting research (a google search), I found out that the tool that iTunes was trying to hoist on me as a celebrity is a defenseman for the Calgary Flames. That’s a hockey team, in case you, like I, don’t give a flying crap. His name is Andrew Ferrance. And while I have nothing against him personally, dear Andrew is about as much a celebrity as the dog excrement I stepped into on 9th avenue yesterday on the way to lunch at the Westway. I’ve seen pro hockey games live, I used to collect the trading cards, and I even know the names of some hall of famers and a few current players. But first of all, a defenseman?? And second, a Canadian? Jesus, iTunes! The depths to which you have sunk. There are so so many celebrity whores out there just drooling for publicity, you can’t tell me that you couldn’t find someone better than this kid, who, by the way, included neither Stevie Wonder or Tom Waits or Elvis Costello on his list. And every person who isn’t mentally challenged (and even most of them) know that you have to include at least one of them, better two. (see Five For Fighting, Liz Phair, Sergio Mendes) Even Alanis Morisette knows this (and she is most certainly retarded as I hear she is dating Ryan Reynolds). Anyway. In response I am putting up my own celebrity playlist, so buy em, and just listen and love me even more than you suckers already do.
Smooches, B


Brad Aldous’s Playlist
Release Date: April 11, 2007
Total: 10 songs
$11.88


“Close to You” (Track 1): “Maxi Priest may have been a major one hit wonder, AND looked like a wanna be Milli Vanilli, but what a great song by which to do it. The bass line is just perfect for a sweaty afternoon romp.

”Mahna Mahna” (Track 2) “ Perhaps the penultimate song of my childhood, Mahna Mahna and the two Snowths know how to kick it old school. I’m pretty sure they would kick Eminem’s ass in a rap battle. And all they would have to say is,”Mahna mahna…............ ..bitch.”

“Rock With You” (Track 3) “This was my first 45, and I am sure that I was dancing my parachute pants off on the pool table… that filled the basement where the record player was. MJ may be a freak, and a whack job, and a pedophile, and have a friend who‘s a monkey, but back when he was little – Freaky McWeirdo could kick it!

“Killing in the Name“ (Track 4) “Sometimes, a brother just needs to destroy shit...and Rage Against the Machine knows that when I choose to smash my apartment to bits, I like to do it to a funky ass beat.

“Delta Dawn“ (Track 5) “This was the first song I ever learned by heart, and according to my female parental unit, I sang it at the top of my lungs with “Gusto“…her words. "What’s that flower you got on?" Indeed, temptress Helen Reddy, indeed..

“Pink Gardenia“ (Track 6) “I used to play this song twice in a row on my early morning college radio show just to see if anyone would call in and complain. The song conists of the title being spoken, and then about 25 seconds of CRAZEE guitar wailing by the Flat Duo Jets. Then they do it again. Then they do it once more. Awesome!!

“Big Booty Hoes“ (Track 7) „“Cause I likes em, yo, you know what I‘m sayin…? Nobody tells it like it is like Biggie…

“Love In Vain“ (Track 8) The story of my ever loving life. Steve Tannen wrote this gospel and the lord said....“Word.“

“Do What You Gotta Do“ (Track 9) Greg Tannen writes some smooth ass tunes, and this one is especially kick ass. The bass solo is wicked.

“The Fox“ (Track 10) When I am getting ready for an evening on the town, as I am known to do, I like to get my energy up, so I put on a little Nickel Creek, and this diddy is like lighting a fire under your own a**. Try and not dance while this is playing, oh I know you can't, because it's IMPOSSIBLE.

"I Believe" (Track 11) Stevie Wonder is my favorite musician of all time. Also, the Calgary Flames can bite me.

"The Heart of a Saturday Night" (Track 12) While I honestly enjoy the Shawn Colvin version better than Mr. Waits, he still wrote it. And he's awesome. And so am I.

Hope you enjoyed my 1st Playlist.
If you see iTunes, please kick them in the crotch. Hockey players....dag.

1) According to a royal spokesman, Queen Elizabeth II has hired a team of consultants to carry out the first-ever audit of carbon emissions from her three official residences. The spokeswoman said that the royal household had been "taking environmental measures" for over 10 years, including the well known policy of, “if it’s yellow: let it mellow.”
2) A freelance videographer walked out of federal prison Tuesday after spending more time behind bars than any other journalist for refusing to testify to a grand jury. "Joshua Wolf has complied with the grand jury subpoena," prosecutor Jeffrey Finigan said in court papers filed Tuesday. Mr Wolf’s lawyer says Josh left prison with, “a firm resolve, washboard abs, and a new girlfriend named Andre.”
3) Lucky and Flo, two Malaysian black Labradors, sniffed out at least 150,000 pirated DVD’s in a secret compartment in a shop in the capital city of Kuala Lumpur on Saturday. Unfortunately, the bulk of the movies were copies of “Benji: Off the Leash”, “The Adventures of Milo and Otis”, and “Beethoven”.
4) Also in Kuala Lampur, Malaysian marine police seized a trawler carrying about 220 rare sea turtles and arrested 17 Chinese men for poaching, their second such seizure this week, a police chief said Thursday. It wasn’t a difficult arrest, said a source in the police department, as the boat carrying the turtles was going very, very slowly.
5) Former Spice Girl Melanie Brown gave birth to a daughter in California on Tuesday. Brown has announced that the father is her ex, Eddie Murphy. Murphy so far has denied the claim, saying they broke up because he was annoyed at her constant yammering in bed to “tell me what you want what you really really want.”