BRAD ALDOUS: Daily Brad

1) The "International Brotherhood of the Moose" has come out in support of Barack Obama this week. Said a spokesman, "because he doesn't shoot at us."

2) Sweden's own version of the Loch Ness monster, the Storsjoe monster, has allegedly been caught on film by surveillance videos, according to Gunnar Nilsson, the head of a shopkeepers' association in Svenstavik, who installed the cameras.

"On Thursday at 12:21 pm, we filmed the movements of a live being. And it was not a pike, nor a perch, we're sure of that," said the shopkeeper.

Who is totally qualified to judge being that he is a ..... well....
shopkeeper.

3) Warner Bros., which owns the rights to the Harry Potter movies, is suing an Indian production company whose new film is called "Hari Puttar: A Comedy of Terrors."

"All I can say is that the title is not at all similar to Harry Potter and nor is our story line," said Mirchi COO, Munish Purii. He continued, "This is as ridiculous as when they sued us over "Indiona Juunz and the Temple of Gloom."

1) Grandma Lynn Spears said this week, regarding how to raise a child, "You're the mother and you know what your baby needs. That's what I've done and it seems to have worked." Yes indeed, oh guru of parenting. If by "worked" you mean knocked them up or pushed them into rehab....

2) Thirteen people were taken to hospital, one of them seriously injured, on the first day of the annual bull running festival in the northern Spanish town of Pamplona on Monday. THe second day promises more goring, and at least one bull grinning ear to ear.

3) The dollar has strengthened this week against some Asian currencies, notably the Vietnamese dong. No punchline, I'm giggling too hard to type.

1) Dylan McDermott has filed for divorce from wife Shiva Rose after more than 12 years of marriage. Apparently, the problems stemmed from the fact that all along she thought he was Dermut Mulroney.

2) I don't know if anyone else if following the R Kelly trial, but I, for one, believe he will fry.

3) German mail company Deutsche Post has inadvertently issued stamps bearing the image of Adolf Hitler's former deputy, Rudolf Hess, the company said on Wednesday. Next, said a spokesman, they will indadvertantly invade Poland.

1) NYC college student Maria Markova filed a lawsuit Monday that Lindsay Lohan took her $12,000 golden sheared mink coat while in the nightclub 1 Oak on January 26. In a related story, Wilmer Valderrama still has my Members Only jacket.

2) A barrel of oil now costs 132 dollars, or 3 euros.

3) President Bush announced Wednesday that Americans soon will be allowed to send cellphones to Cubans. Thus ensuring that the Cuban people will have the same freedom to have their movies interrupted by an "In Da Club" ringtone.

4) Security was tight as usual at Milan's San Vittore prison on Wednesday, where female inmates, launching their own womenswear line, showcased their new collection in the jail's courtyard. Apparently orange jumpsuits are the new black and white striped jumpsuits.

5) 27-year-old very pregnant actress Jessica Alba quietly wed producer Cash Warren on Monday. Asked how the wedding was, a source declared, "Well, uh, shotgun?"

1) Miley Cyrus AKA "Hannah Montana" has signed a seven-figure book deal with Disney Book Group. Apparently enquiring minds have been demanding the wealth of knowledge she has acquired now that she's FIFTEEN. Chapters will include, Dad's Rat Tail, Private School, Being Spoiled, and hypnotizing tweens....

1) Two women kissing in an advertisement led Singapore to fine a cable operator this week for breaching guidelines on sexuality in the conservative city-state. And here in the US, the self same advertisement led me to watch it 27 times.

1) Gary Gygax, who co-created the fantasy game Dungeons & Dragons died Tuesday morning at his home in Lake Geneva. He had been suffering from health problems for several years, but finally succumbed when he rolled a 9 and was eaten by a Gelatinous Cube.

2) Actress Bai Ling says she made an "innocent mistake" when she allegedly took a pack of batteries and two tabloid magazines at Los Angeles International Airport without paying for them. She added, "Don't celebrities get everything for free? I thought we did..." To which the store attendant replied, "Who ARE you? Wait, Didn't you used to be on the View? No, she was prettier...."

3) Rolling Stones guitarist and rock-and-roll bad boy Keith Richards is to become the new face of Louis Vuitton, the French luxury fashion house said Tuesday. Apparently the final two choices were Richards and a corpse, and Richards booked the gig by looking slightly more like death.

4) And finally, A NASA spacecraft has taken the first-ever image of an avalanche near Mars' north pole. A spokesman for Tom Cruise said that unlike everyone else on the planet, Tom knows he has to do something about it, because he's the only one who can really help.

1) Naomi Campbell was admitted to the hospital in Brazil this week. Her publicist announced "Following the successful procedure, she is now resting and is looking forward to getting back to hurling things at her assistants and bludgeoning her maids with cel phones."

2) Steve-O of "Jackass" fame was arrested for suspicion of vandalism and possession of a controlled substance at his Hollywood home today. And just when he was about to publish his new research on how climate change affects the world economy and international relations. Dangit.

3) Kid Rock has pleaded not guilty to a charge of battery from a fight at a Waffle House in Atlanta. Once again the old adage proves true: You can take Kid Rock out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the Waffle House.

1) According to a new study, disappearing bee colonies could drive up ice cream prices. In a related story, disappearing ant colonies could drive up the price of imaginary logic.

2) George Bush Senior endorsed John McCain today, and then promtply threw up into the lap of the Prime Minister of Japan.

3) There is much in the news about the power that the "Super Delegates" will yield in the upcoming election. I see no problems with that, as long as it doesn't take away from the time they spend fighting crime.

4) Finally, seven people died this week from Paraguay's first outbreak of yellow fever in 34 years. Here in New York, my friend Spence has yellow fever, but his girlfriend Miyuki says he's totally fine.

1) Italian scientists say they have proved Napoleon was not poisoned, upending the theory the French emperor was murdered by his British jailors. In a related story, Italian scientists have made no progress on studies of Cancer, AIDS, global warming, or Prioritizing studies.

2) Steven Spielberg is ending his involvement as an artistic adviser for the Beijing Olympics. Apparently, the Chinese didn't like his proposed Opening Ceremony: a gory, entrail filled, live 30 minute beach attack.

3) President Bush said Tuesday that recent displays of nooses are disturbing and insensitive. He added, "Especially to those us who are still working on tie-ing our shoes..."

4) Dolly Parton, 62, said on Monday she would postpone her upcoming North American tour after doctors told her to take it easy for six to eight weeks to rest her sore back. She blames her back problems on what she called, "the puppies." Here at the Daily Brad, we bet "the puppies" are incredibly happy if they get to be anywhere near her massive breasts.

5) Facebook has been renamed this week, switching to a more accurate name, StalkyourFriends.

1) The king of sexually explicit voice mails, E!'s Pat O'Brien checked into rehab today. Though here at the Daily Brad, we are pretty sure it was just to get near enough to harass Kirsten Dunst.

2) Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee will not quit the race, according to supporters. In related news, I do not heart Huckabee. In fact, I think he is a jackass. Also, Huckabee is a silly name.

3) And finally, Valentines Day is just a few days away. Or as I call it, "Hallmark is a genius day".

1) Campaigning for Mike Huckabee, actor Chuck Norris said Sunday that Sen. John McCain is too old to handle the pressures of being president. Because we here in America love to take our political advice from the man who starred in "Top Dog" with a canine named Reno. Who outacted him....

2) Democrat Dennis Kucinich announced Thursday that he is dropping out of the presidential race. No specific reason was given, but we suspect it was to spend more with his super hot half his age wife. Dennis, we salute you.

3) When asked this week how long he will stay in the race for President, Rudolph Guliani replied, "You know, I feel like I have been asked that question 911 times."

4) Pakistan's President Pervez Musharraf lashed out Thursday at what he called Western "intellectual arrogance" toward his country, saying "... we are not such clueless people who do not know how to run a country, we have our own brains. Or brainses. Or is it brainsi? Oh, hurry up and give us $10 billion dollars."

1) Rapper Lil Wayne was arrested for felony drug possession at the California/Arizona border today. He and/or his entourage were in possession of weed, coke, ecstasy, a gun and 22,000 in cash, or as I like to call it: a picnic.

2) A new study finds that the nation's unchecked diabetes epidemic costs $174 billion a year, or more than the conflicts in Iraq, Afghanistan, and against "terror" combined. President Bush quickly
declared victory over Diabetes, and then blamed the condition on Osama Bin Laden.

3) Scotland Yard started an investigation Wednesday into a video that allegedly shows troubled British singer Amy Winehouse smoking crack. While anyone who has seen a photo of her lately knows, the fact that they need to do an "investigation" means Scotland Yard needs to get off the pipe as well.

4) The press continue to speculate over whether Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is injured or no. Here at the Daily Brad, we know only this. We're pretty sure sleeping with Gisele Bundchen cures EVERYTHING. Go Giants!

1) The writers strike continues, and after much confusion, according to an official press release, a spokesman finally announced that the AMPTP stands for "Assface Moron Penishead Tool Pricks". In case there was any doubt.

2) Madonna was in India today, with her husband, Guy Ritchie, and today she visited a crowded Mumbai slum. Residents showered her with rose and marigold petals. And she showered them with nonsense about the Kaballah.

3) In the political forum the field is divided into two sets of canidates, viable ones, and Fred Thompson. http://blog.rickbreslin.com/extras/doink_doink.wav

1) 40-year-old singer R. Kelly, could be facing arrest if he doesn't show up in court Thursday in Chicago. A spokesman for the singer announced that he would have been there for the original date except that he had young women to urinate on.

2) Apparently responding to her sister's behavior over the past year Jamie Lynn Spears announced this week, "I'll see your bald headed crotch flashing insanity, and I'll raise you a teen pregnancy. Checkmate?"

3) Very obese people who need a kidney transplant are far less likely to get one than normal weight people, and when they do, their wait is an average of over a year longer.The reasons for the wait vary, but most are due to their inability to leave the buffet.

4) A rare 710-year-old copy of the Magna Carta, among the most important historical documents ever to hit the auction block, sold for $21.3 million on Tuesday at Sotheby's. In related news, the only copy of the Magna Brada is still on ebay for the reasonable sarting bid of 10,000.00

1) An Italian musician and computer technician claims to have uncovered musical notes encoded in Leonardo Da Vinci's "Last Supper," raising the possibility that the Renaissance genius might have left behind a composition to accompany the scene depicted in the 15th-century wall painting. Even more shocking? The composition: "Who Let the Dogs Out?"

2) Prince Harry and his Zimbabwean-born girlfriend Chelsy Davy have ended their three-year romance, with the young woman growing tired of his playboy lifestyle and his incredibly tiny pauper.

3) Mary-Kate Olsen was being treated in a Manhattan hospital Tuesday for a kidney infection. Ashley was asked for comment, but was too busy dealing with her daddy issues and "Handsy" Lance Armstrong.

4) Barack Obama announced this week that he was "kind of a goof-off in high school." Not one to be out done, Hilary Clinton released a statement today that she, "slept with the entire debate team as well as most of the cross country squad."

5) And finally, President Bush pardoned two turkeys today. Michael Brown and Dick Cheney seemed incredibly grateful.

1) About 175,000 Curious George Plush Dolls were recalled Thursday, becoming the latest toy made in China found to be contaminated with dangerous levels of lead. This follows the lead paint related recall of around 51,000 Children's Fashion Sunglasses, and the 600,000 units of "Leady the Lickable Lead Paint Brush."

2) Aqua Dots, a highly popular holiday toy sold by Australia-based Moose Enterprises, were pulled from shelves in North American and Australia after scientists found they contain a chemical that converts into the date rape drug GHB when eaten. In other news, I ate about 20 of them tonight and have left my front door open. Ladies???

3) Six weeks ago, in his Yom Kippur sermon at Temple Rodeph Torah, Rabbi Donald Weber offered to personally pay for six-month memberships to JDate for any singles in his congregation who asked. The same Rabbi, however, apparently refused a request to recompensate our jewish correspondent for a single visit to Jwhore.

4) Finaly, J-lo announced to South Florida concertgoers Wednesday night that she is pregnant, and her doctors have answered the question on everyone's mind when they announced today that yes, the fetus has a HUGE ass.

1) Pope Benedict XVI named 23 new Cardinals wednesday, and is now locked in a power struggle with manager Tony LaRussa.

2) President Bush defended honoring the Dali Lama today, telling critics, "Somebody has to defend the little fella - he looks like he hasn't eaten in years!"

3) Oprah Winfrey is going public about the thyroid condition that slowed down her metabolism and caused her to gain 20 pounds. Sources say she will not go public about the cases of Haagen Daas that helped the cause.

4) Neanderthals might have spoken just like humans do now, new genetic findings suggest. In fact many may have been better speakers than some people who live in the White House and are married to Laura.

1) Two nutrients found in eggs, spinach and other leafy green vegetables offer some protection against the most common cause of blindness researchers said on Monday. Timmy Swanson, age 7, has written this study off as "Mommy trying to get me to eat yucky stuff."

2) Vanessa Hudgens, the star of the wholesome, made-for-kids TV movie hit "High School Musical," apologized Friday for a nude photo of her on the Web and Walt Disney Co. said it was sticking by the performer. Her real life "boyfriend" Zac Effron is sticking by her too, announcing, "We totally love each other. We're like sisters. And best friends. And we do stuff. LIke shopping, and each other's make up..."

3) Starbucks opened its first coffee shop in Russia on Thursday, ensuring that every person living north of Moscow will now have to pay 3 billion rubles for a cup of shitty coffee.

4) Rapper Trick Daddy was arrested after a fight at a strip club early Tuesday.The rapper was charged with disorderly intoxication, resisting arrest, and being a total cliche.

5) Facebook, the popular social networking site, has removed what they called "obscene" photographs that show mothers breastfeeding their babies. A spokesman for the company, Nazi McJerkface, said, "Blah blah blah I'm an idiot."

1) A Russian woman set fire to her ex-husband's penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka, Moscow police said Wednesday. Sitting naked, watching television and drinking vodka? Guess who's moving to Moscow tomorrow!!Maybe the commies aren't so bad after all....

2) Sen. Larry Craig announced today that he "overreacted and made a poor decision" in pleading guilty to disorderly conduct after his June arrest following an incident in a Minneapolis airport bathroom. Here at the Daily Brad, we think he "overreacted and made a poor decision" when he stared for several minutes into an occupied toilet stall and then tried to entice an undercover cop to "play doctor."
"Let me be clear: I am not gay and never have been," said Craig, "however, I do enjoy sex with human beings who have penises."
With his wife by his side, Craig said he is the victim of a "witch hunt" conducted by the Idaho Statesman newspaper. Perhaps if he didn't wear a black hat, ride a broom and cackle over a cauldron Mr. Craig might have a teeny bit more credibility.
A police officer who arrested him June 11 said Craig peered through a crack in a restroom stall door for two minutes and made gestures suggesting to the officer he wanted to engage in "lewd conduct. "Craig would look down at his hands, 'fidget' with his fingers, and then look through the crack into my stall again," Karsnia wrote in documents accompanying the arrest report. Craig said the officer misinterpreted his actions. He was merely trying to decipher what brand of pants the officer was wearing and if they were straight fit or pleated. He continued with, "I'm always on the lookout for new herringbone slacks," which frankly made him sound even more gay. After he was taken for questioning, the police report says, Craig pulled out of a Senate business card and asked the officer: "What do you think of that?" A question he apparently also tried to use in the stall itself while pulling out something else entirely.
"...Craig moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot, which was within my stall area," the officer's report said. When the police interviewed him later, the senator said that "he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom" and that was why his foot may have touched the officers, adding, "It's because my thing is extraordinarily large. Make sure you print that: really, really large. Can you print my number too?" Craig has consistently voted against gay rights, a move gay spokesman have called, "Incredibly Gayronic."

3) Miss Teen South Carolina, Laura Caitlin Upton, has become a laughing stock after her flubbed answer about maps during the interview portion of last week's contest. She said Tuesday, "I seriously think i only heard one or two words of the actual question." Which is funny, because I think I only heard one or two words of the flubbed answer. Hello!!! Hottie!!! Was she talking? Does it matter? I love her!!

4) Owen Wilson is in the hospital recovering after an alleged suicide attempt, according to Santa Monica Police Department phone logs. That or sources say it could have been his crooked nose tried to kill him........ Samuel L. Jackson was also seen at the hospital, though it has not been confirmed that he was visiting Wilson. Jackson may have just been agreeing to star in another movie, as he is apparently physically incapable of turning one down.